Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Appleblossom]

I am not a natural when it comes to boundaries with other people. I am trying to learn which boundaries are relevant for me both with respect to my family relationships and in general. Being cut off a lot is becoming an alarm bell .. for me ... some people are habitual and dont even realise ... so I jump in and or butt in too ... some people take that in their stride and have the sense of evenness about it .. others only seem to think they have the right to interrupt. Being able to do what we can for ourselves or the group seems important. I have not been able to take many things for granted. I also get confused about reciprocity and how that works in relationships too.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Appleblossom,

Just so I can understand a bit better, do you mean boundaries around when you're communicating with others? I hope I've understood this ok, so I'm going to have a crack at responding to what you've written.

Being cut off, I think, is a bit of an issue with people not really listening. Sometimes people get very excited or eager to add to a conversation that they butt in. It's often unintentional, but on the receiving end, it can seem rude, and leave others feeling unheard. 'Active listening' is a pretty hard thing to do. It's listening when people talk, and not thinking about what we want to say next. It's attending to, and being inquistaive about what people are saying, and showing that you want to understand, and respect their viewpoint. But it's a two way street. Communication works best when to people can have their say, but they also listen - really listen -  to others.

I think people usually butt in because they've not yet had their chance to have their say. Giving people time, and the space to say what they got to say, while showing that you've heard, and made an effort to understand them can then allow them to listen and then move on to what you want to say. It can go something, like 'this is really important, so let's focus on this for now, and then I'd also like to add my perspective, I have a few ideas to share too.' Once you've covered what they have to say, you could then ask, 'This is what I've heard [paraphrase what they've said], is that right? if it's ok, could I add my views?' If you're in a group, this is even more tricky. It usually requires one person to assume the role of facilitator. Is there someone like that in your group?

[Appleblossom]

As a music teacher and shy person I have usually been in the listening role. As an educator I value ... the "bringing out" of the good in the other person. I am beginning to realise that most people have a chip on their shoulder about something .. and feeling "heard enough" is a very subjective issue... out in the general community.... tower of babel .. comes to mind. I guess if I listen ... then I would also like to be heard a bit ... that is the aspect of reciprocity I am referring to. Not saying it should be "even stevens"... but I am sick of being a general dumping ground and not getting respect. When starting new friendships I am starting to back off when butted in on a lot .. as it stresses me emotionally and physically. Sometimes there is a gentle push and pull .. and if it is gentle I have hope that it may be a decent connection ...? Yes now that I have a clear boundary for my physical situation .. I guess the issue is clarifying communication. Can we keep talking about this ... I know there a books .. and I am reading .. I appreciate your response.

[Former-Member]

People start to heal the moment they feel heard.......this is what we all yearn for - to be heard, understood and loved.

In my experience the truly reciprocal friendship or relationship is a rare beast. One will often have friends/family who are needy or live with a lot of drama. People are often pressured and stressed, and become negative easily as you say @Appleblossom

As an adult we all get to choose who we have in our lives or at least, how much time we spend with them. No such thing as the perfect friend/partner, but maybe you could write down 5 key qualities you look for in a friend, and keep that in mind when you meet new people.

I always think that 2-3 caring, authentic friends are better than 30 superficial, unreliable friends.

The other part of this is to reduce your need to depend on others for your own happiness. Work on finding a deeper peace within so that you are less affected by the vagaries of human behaviour. Sometimes it can be wonderful to sit alone on a lilypad, and enjoy the stillness of the pond 🙂

Best wishes,

Frog

[Appleblossom]

Thank you for your reply @Former-Member

I feel heard a lot more these days .. firstly through my students and their parents .. on the forum .. in a few social situations .. at least I vocalise more .. so that I can start to be heard.  It has only been since joining this forum that I have developed anywhere near adequate counselling support for the level of trauma I have experienced.

Generally I have found self reliance best ... and gone that way reasonably successfully most of my life .. but it does get lonely.

I LOVE the IDEA of 2-3 good caring authentic friends but that has not been my luck ...

I actually raised this topic with my psychologist today.  I used to take it very personally that I had not managed to make good friends. I put myself down that I had not tried hard enough or that there really was something seriously wrong with me that the psychs did not understand that would make me such a reject.

My daughter blamed me for not having enough friends.  The weird thing .. it was through my direct value on socialisation in my parenting decisions that she got to develop her friendships.  My mother on the other hand mocked any friendships I had then .. tried to turn the tables on me ... I though that socialisation was huge cos I saw the isolation caused by MI and used that as my main strategy for getting good outcomes for kids .. regardless of how I looked or was percieved .. I did not have the luxury of that .. but still .. made sure kids had lots of age appropriate peer social activities and celebrations.

But in reading a bit more ... about trauma and anthropogy and power relationships .. I no longer blame myself. I watch people boasting about their friends from kinder .. and I think to myself "how immature" and why are you doing this in such a dramatic way .. far too much intensity for the social situation .. ie drinks after Shakespeare  ... that I dont have kinder friends is not because I was mean or anti-social ..it was cos parents moved a lot ..

the reason I have only one friend from school .. is similar

but by high school ..  I was very shy & introvert ... she is loud, dominant and not at all intellectual .. we just happened to live in same area and go to same school .. and did a few kind things for each other .. but we dont really get each other .. I find her bogun and cant believe her politics .. but still respect the basis of friendship we have .. which s distant.

The psych today .. said that having a lot of acquaintances works for me ...

thats true .. it stops me from being isolated .. keeps things a bit convivial ... I dont argue about things that I know the other person will not agree on .. no point .. I try to be diplomatic .. and actually cant believe how obnoxious and complaininey .. most "normal" people are  .. and they still believe they are entitled .. to friends .. lover .. career .. etc

I would love an acquaintance to become a good true friend .. and have "dared greatly" enough times in trading confidences etc .. so no longer going there .. 

I have been challenged .. with either not doing enough ... in some area of life .. or over doing it ... and what are you trying to prove .. I have noticed that other put up hoops for me to leap through .. I dont do that .. maybe I should start .. but I am going to stop leaping at others commands .... except in order to keep the show on the road.

The psych admitted I had much more active social life ... than others who were referred through OPEN PLACE and had in care experiences .. so I guess I have done well condsidering ..

Often in public conversation people make generalisations that protect their own world view. 

I dont do facebook at all ..

to berate myself at lack of friendship is counterproductive .. so I console myself with solo activities and some group ones.

[Former-Member]

Wow, @Appleblossom, I can so relate to everything you've said here, you're so good at putting it into words, thank you, I hear you 🙂