Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Determined]

That would be hard @Shaz51 💔

At least Dad is always happy to see me and appreciates me. 

Darling on the other hand seems to think I am the enemy. 

I have to be happy as smiling all of the time, stressed and overwhelmed is not an option for me it seems. 

Maybe I should step back and let her sort stuff out for her Dad 🤔 (Hypothetical response, I would not do that to either of them) . 

[Shaz51]

Yes mum is happy to see me but puts the guilt trip on me @Determined 

Walking with you my friend 

@Smc 

[tyme]

Hearing you @Determined - it's so true what you said about balancing compassion and at the same time not allowing abuse to destroy a relationships.

You are truly an inspiration to me. 

Please take care of yourself. I trust your judgement in all this.

tyme

[BlueBay]

totally understand your feelings @Shaz51 

we used to visit MIL once a week or fortnightly and it was hard.  We would feel guilty for not going more often but she didn't know who we were and after 1/2 hour we would go because there was nothing we could do.

But i do empathise with you; it's hard when you have your own health to worry about and your hubby as well.  And work too.

Just go when you can, don't try to be too hard on yourself. Because you know deep down that you are doing the best you can.

Big hugs lovely xxxxooo

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Shaz51, 

I feel for you and I understand because I used to feel the same way when I would visit my dad. I would also go twice a week and felt guilty because I didn't go more often but as you said it really can be emotionally exhaustive. I think at the end of the day it's important about getting the balance right - as much as it's important to support your loved one it's also important to take care of yourself and the other people in your family that also need you. 

I feel like guilt feelings and being a carer often go hand in hand for a lot of people. 

Hugs,

FloatingFeather

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Determined,

I'm glad to read you have found your dad a place - it's a shame it's quiet a distance away from you but from my experience the fact that your dad is accepting to the move is half of it. I was lucky that my dad was also okay with the move but I did see quite a few people over the time (when I was visiting my dad) whose loved ones struggled with being in a facility.  

As much as my dad moving into a facility was a big change for the family upon reflection I did find some positive growth from the experience (which may sound a bit odd). I learnt better to prioritise people in my life (who needed me more and who could wait), put boundaries in place to better protect myself, learn that I didn't always need to be in control and allow other people to help, that life is ever evolving and nothing ever stays the same and that is normal and okay (even if it is hard). 

When my dad first moved I was visiting him four times a week - after a couple of months I realised that wasn't sustainable and I was becoming very worn out. My children and my husband were coping the brunt of my exhaustion and I wasn't taking care of myself. I learned to trust the people who were taking care of my dad. I even went to the facility on random times and days to check that he was always being consistently taken care off (and he always was).

It takes time and is a big adjustment period for all those involved. My advice is to go easy on yourself, know that some people will step up and some people won't cope so well (that was my experience anyway). Just remember to take care and prioritise yourself in all of this too.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

[Determined]

Thanks @FloatingFeather 

It helps hearing stories like yours and @Shaz51 & @BlueBay  et.al

Have not found a place for Dad yet. He is still in hospital while  we try and find a respite space. 

I know I need to step back but struggling with that notion

I know I can't keep up the daily visits, financially, emotionally or physically. (Edited CANT ) 

Relationship with darling probably won't survive either if I fall apart and have another burnout. 

[Shaz51]

Thank you for your story @FloatingFeather 

I know we are not alone in this but sometimes it feels like we are doing it alone xxx

Mum has been in the aged care now for 8 weeks,  my aunty says that she has. Accepted that she is staying in hospital and that she is good 

But I think she plays it for me 😥

@Determined , how is your darling coping with all this daily xxx

I know my husband is getting tired of it with his MIL 

[FloatingFeather]

Sorry @Determined I must of misread that you had found a place for your dad. I wish you well with finding a place that works the best for everyone. How is your dad's health currently? I hope he is doing okay.

I totally understand and respect what you say around struggling with stepping back. I had a few people at the time (when I was going through this with my dad) saying the same type of thing to me around stepping back. As much as I appreciated everyone's concern and advice I had to do it at my own pace and time - I struggled with it too.

If you have any questions, concerns etc please feel free to ask. Hopefully amongst the community we can help you 

[FloatingFeather]

I totally understand what you mean @Shaz51 about feeling alone even though we have great support on the forums xxx

I think I felt the most alone when I went to visit my dad by myself. Even though I know I had lovely people around me that supported me I physically spent a lot of time visiting my dad alone which had its good days and bad days.

I hope you mum has settled in - what you say around your mum seeming to be okay with your aunty but may play it a bit for you reminds me of what happened to my best friend. When her mum was in care and other people visited her they would all tell my best friend how well she was doing but when my best friend went to visit her she acted more upset. I'm not sure if it was because she felt she could speak more honestly with my best friend or not but I know this upset my best friend sometimes.

I am grateful that we can share our experiences and relate to each other around this. It's a tough and confusing thing to go through but at least to have others to share with helps make it a little easier I think 🙂