Wives caring for Husbands

[Former-Member]

hey @Jo4123, I'm so glad to hear that you've reached out to a few people. And I think it's totally understandable to be worried about it getting around the town. I grew up in a small town and I think I know the worries you're feeling.

You're not alone ❤️ 

Here are a few ideas for supporting your husband

• You could speak to your GP and encourage him to do so
• Here is a factsheet for Families, friends and carers from SANE
• This Carers Gateway has heaps of extra info

I also wonder if you have support for your own mental health? 

[Tootsy]

My husband does get help but everything you say happens here too, the fixation on one thing (neighbour that spies, the noisy cockatoo etc). Last night again I said one thing and it gets twisted into a big thing, he ends up drinking more crying and saying how much I upset him. I end up with the sleepless night. I really don’t feel like his wife much anymore, just his carer and he tells me I’m not great at that sometimes too. I work full time on not much money to keep a roof over our heads and come home to be his carer. It’s exhausting, I ask myself why me often. Married 4 years (my 2nd) and I never envisioned this life for my 50s. My son is getting married and we can’t stay at the wedding long as my ex will be there and for some reason he gets fixed onto that, so we won’t stay. It’s not my life anymore, it’s all about him and if I said that too him he would say it’s an easy fix for him (suicide threat). Sorry to rant on

[Shaz51]

Ohhh @Tootsy 

Sending you lots of understanding hugs my friend 

I totally understand,  I have to watch what I say , how I say it , when to say anything 

My husband says I am not his carer, he won't get help any more 

Finding the right balance can be tricky at times and then we have to remember our own self care also 

@moderator 

[Tootsy]

Thank you @Shaz51 somehow it’s comforting knowing I’m not the only one going through this., I was thinking today as I said this wasn’t my life plan but I’m guessing it’s not hubbys either. No one asks for mental illness so we are meant to help other wise we wouldn’t be here, I know many wouldn’t stay and in a sense I understand why. Do we stand up for ourselves more or let things slide? That’s the magic question

[tyme]

Hey @Tootsy @Shaz51 ,

Just reading through and wanted to share that earlier this week, I attended a conference on MH. One of the carers spoke from her lived experience and explained that although she was a carer, she was really, a wife. She mentioned that as soon as she pulled the word 'carer' out, it made her husband feel very disheartened as one needing to be cared for.

The terminology in turn added to their reliance and co-dependency.

Do you think the term 'carer' has anything to do with what you are describing @Tootsy @Shaz51 ?

Perhaps the term 'carer' also causes us to behave in certain ways? I'm not sure. I'm only throwing this out here.

I'm interested to hear what you have to say.

Kindest, tyme

[Shaz51]

That is a good question  @Tootsy , I have let a lot of things slide over the years and earlier in my marriage I have cried in the bathroom by myself 

But it depends what you think we should stand up for ourselves more , over the years I have learnt to leave a suggestion,  a small statement and let him think about what I said 

Don't know how long you have been married , here for you if you have some questions xx

@tyme  carer vs wife is tricky sometimes , and when something happens like my husband ended up having a breakdown and ended up in hospital 

Myself went into carer mode even though I was not his carer

I had to change my attitude and try to be his wife 

[tyme]

By all means @Shaz51 , being a wife doesn't mean you can't also be caring for him. I'm more thinking the terminology of 'carer'.

Only a thought 🙂

[Shaz51]

Interested in knowing more @tyme 

What are your thoughts xx

[tyme]

I'm not sure. I think the term 'carer' can be harmful at times. For a child, fair enough, but to be the carer for an adult may be demoralising? Now, I'm not saying caring for someone. I'm talking about using the term 'carer' - not the action of caring for someone. @Shaz51 

So instead of saying, this is my wife or this is my husband, they may say "this is my carer" which reinforces that the person needs to be cared for? Will the then put in the energy to get out of that?

These are just my thoughts. All situations are different. Say, for example, Mr Shaz was not well, would you say to a doctor/nurse, "I'm his wife" or "I'm his carer"? And would your answer impact the his recovery?

[Shaz51]

I have said that I am Mr shaz wife @tyme 

And yes it would impact his recovery as he has said years ago " that I am not his carer but his wife "

Other thing he says is "  I am married to you ( me ) not my family "