Struggling with teen daughter's desire for perfection

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @Attahua

You sound like a very caring mother and wife. 

So compassionate....

[CannonSalt]

Hi @Attahua ! Sometimes getting a mark back, no matter what it is, can feel anti-climactic. Perhaps your daughter is using that anxious energy to fuel herself and rehearsing for year 11 and 12, and so she doesn't quite know what to do with the feelings after she's got the mark and it's over. Trouble is, even though she put the work in, she didn't get the mark she thought she deserved. Sometimes, attempts to console can just feel hollow and fake in the heat of the moment and lead to the bad feelings getting worse and 'you're not listening to me!' and then tantrums. Not that I speak from personal experience of throwing any such tantrums, of course. *shifty eyes*

My mother sent me an article she'd read about boys being taught when faced with difficulty to redouble their efforts - and girls were taught that ability, talent was either 'you've got it or you don't'. What you were saying about your daughter thinking people will love her if she's smart reminded me of the article. I'm not sure if this was the article, but it seems similar: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201101/the-trouble-bright-girls I read when I was a kidlet a book on gifted kids which said they can struggle when they get into uni and everyone's a bright spark, so they suddenly have to develop a work ethic and habits, not just rely on their memory and skill - so maybe there's something that could be tweaked in your daughter's work habits.

High school in the later years can be very insular for newcomers - she might be having trouble making friends, even though she's involved in sport and music outside of school. Would your daughter be interested in reading about advice from people who've been there, done that, survived and done well? http://www.education.vic.gov.au/school/students/Pages/vce.aspx has a few perfect scoring students and their strategies. When you were her age, could you see how amazing you were? It takes time to learn to love yourself warts and all. It does sound like she's struggling early, and it sounds like you've been doing a good job by her for years. Please be kind to yourself. There is a lot of support available for teens sitting their final exams - hopefully she'll be willing to avail herself of that.

[Jaye-Kay]

Attahua, yes I agree - you seem like a very caring, supportive and loving mum and a woman with a lot of strength and patience.

I am also supporting my daughter (older than yours - but a part of her is still stuck in a frozen plaze of teenage years when she was badly bullied - and that part is not able yet to complete adult developmental transition, because of paralysed fear)

she has so many issues - I recently decided to simplfy things by just repeating over and over again: that I love her and ee so many great strengths and qualities in her. that school is unfair (but it is what it is) and that all the hoops she must apparently jump through - that's also unfair (but we can't change the world overnight and I believe she can find her way through) and that the world can also be bloody unfair and tough: but again, I believe she can develop the resources to live a good and happy life and find the situations where the world can be a kind and pleasant place to be. and I am there for her.

I just keep repeating this, in same or similar words, over and over again, as I realise the fear underlying the many other layers of stuck and/or swirling emotions. it's starting to help - just that she feels she genuinely has an ally.. I say she doesn't have to "fix" anything about herself. there is nothing "rong" with her - even if she sees a psyche, that's not because there is anything wrong with her: she is just experiencing normal human pain to what feels llike impossible and overwheleming expectations (by the way, I do not think it helpful of the psychologist to set homework, in her case. I see his rationale, but it might have been cleverer to just ease of and not make "fixing me" yet another set of tasks... maybe he could  just let her be and let her be heard...  tell her this, maybe, also.......

I told her about Susan Jeffers (self-help teacher, who wrote Feel The Fear and Dare to Connect)  - SJ had this great phrase: we alays seem to have to be trying to achieve "more, better, best" and we need to let ourselves off the hook

sure your daughter wants to do well in the world and make a good llife, but above all young people need to feel valued just "because you are you"  I know you do this for her, and I think, as parents, we have to amplify it so much - because we're truly up against all the other confusing messages that are being thrown at our kids......  

these are just my reflections today and I hope something in this helps.

[aristosane]

Hi @Attahua, just a thought on your daughter's CAMHS appointment next week.... 

When my daughter first had contact with CAMHS in 2013 she was let down hopelessly by her appointed worker who told her that there are lots of children out there suffering with anxiety but they manage mainstream schooling.  This broke her trust in the system so we felt like we were back at square one.  

She too refused appointments, with the same attitude as your daughter saying only she can help herself. After some time I managed to get her back to CAMHS whereby my daughter would wait in the car and the CAMHS worker would come out and speak to her in a place my daughter felt safe.  After 2 or 3 sessions this way, they would walk around the block and talk.  Just a suggestion...

Good luck

[ARadders]

Sounds just like my 16 yo daughter who has anxiety, social anxiety and now anorexia nervosa. She is genuinely devastated to receive marks that the other kids would be stoked with. I have no answers however you're not alone and it is a really hard journey. My girl is in year 11 and going great guns academically but emotionally and mentally all over the place 😞