Struggling with teen daughter's desire for perfection

[Attahua]

hi, am wondering if there are any parents out there with these same daily struggles.....my daughter is 15 and in my eyes has just completed a very successful year 10! Despite her anxieties , which she has previously had help for, she managed to achieve straight As in her end of year exams BUT although getting 95% on her maths exam in the top maths group and 4 As and 2 Bs in previous maths tests/assignments throughout the semester, her teacher gave her a B on her report card, every other subject was an A. I personally am just proud as punch but to her this B is unfair and she feels she has worked really really hard for nothing! She is disappointed , I get that but her reaction is over the top as she had a complete meltdown and feels what is the point on working so hard and striving for an A to only get a B!!! Not only that but her goal all year was to get English Dux and class Dux and she won neither ( her close friend won those!) She did however achieve Dux in CSI and Art but again in her eyes not good enough and during her meltdown she simply ripped up her awards!!!! I was angry and devasted and said some hurtful things ...words I regret but I was so angry myself at the way she was behaving , yelling and screaming at me, swearing, slamming doors etc. once again blaming me for moving us away from family five years ago to a country town where financially we are far better off as I have a permanent teaching position here. My partner of six years tries to then parent and this turns into an even bigger argument, he has schizoeffective disorder and although he has not been hospitalised in over two years we both are guilty of reminding him , especially when we are all angry, of the grief and pain he has put us through. He was the main reason too for us moving here initially!! My daughter is my life and up until the last five years I have raised her by myself since she was two. Her biological father refuses to have any contact because he has to pay child support!!!? I feel guilty because I think/ know that as much as I love my girl she is an only child and spoilt, I understand her desire to do well but a very quiet part of me thinks she is having a tantrum because she didn't get what she wants!!!! I feel guilty saying this. I also have to confess that when I am particularly frustrated I pull my hair and try to hurt myself physically.... a hard thing to admit out loud so now I blame myself for bad role modelling and to make it worse my daughter blames me.....I am guilt ridden over so many past behaviours but I also do take meds and do seek help when needed....something she now refuses to do!!!! Is my daughter really unwell or is this a teen phase????? We still have year 11 and 12 to survive yet!!!!!

[MIFANTCARER]

Why weren't we told how difficult it was going to be as a parent.

The blame and guild can be overwhelming, especially when you can't stop the hurting or pain of one of your children.

I too have a high achieving teenage daughter with social anxiety, I too care for a loved one with mental illness (my Dad) and I work in the mental health industry and support families like ourselves.

What I can say is there is no quick fix, no band aid or easy solution, it will take honest communication, ending blame and forgiveness. I also suggest that you get support / mediation from an agency like headspace, relationship Australia, counsellor or psychologist. And allow each of you to work through your own feelings both privately and together.

You are not alone, I can promise you if you stick with it is worth it.

Good luck and best wishes.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Attahua,

Thanks so much for sharing. @MIFANTCARER made a really good point about ending blame and encouraging forgiveness. I think this is really important, not just towards others, but also towards ourselves. Sometimes in the heat of an angry moment we might say things we later regret. I know I certainly have! And unfortunately, we usually get angry with the people we’re closest to, most likely because we care about them and don’t like to see them suffer when we don’t think they need to. But it's important to be kind to yourself and remember that you are only human, and that's okay!

I’m wondering, have you spoken with your daughter about why it’s so important for her grades to be perfect? It might be helpful to try and open this conversation up and explore how she feels about it. It sounds like she is doing really well but is minimising her achievements as not good enough for some reason?

Maybe some of other members have some helpful suggestions as well or can offer some support. @Janna and @Ginny both care for children with MI and might have some valuable insight to share.

All the best,

supernova.

[Attahua]

Thank u so much!!! I have been in contact with headspace in the past and will try again. We have a CAMHS app next Thursday which my daughter is refusing to go to but will gently encourage her. She thinks she is the only one that can help herself but she doesn't know how, I said outside support can help us all find the tools!!! She was seeing a pyschiatrist but because she hadn't done the 'homework' he set due to school load, sporting and music commitments and part time work he flippantly said he may as well end his life!!! He was trying to be funny but not really the kind of suggestion u make to a vulnerable teenager!!!

[Attahua]

Thank u so much for your reply! I have no idea why she strives for perfection except that I do know she constantly compares herself to other friends and family members. She seems to think if she got better grades her family in particular would like her more .... It is so left field as her family love her regardless and are blown away by her achievements and determination!! I have only ever encouraged her but never put pressure on her!! I want her to be happy.....end of story!!! She seems to think everyone in her class thinks she is dumb .... quite possibly someone may have made some silly comment which my daughter has then taken as gospel!! I just don't understand myself where this is all coming from and it breaks my heart to witness! I just hope one day soon she sees the same amazing young woman that we see when she looks in the mirror!!! It's so difficult for teens these days.... she tells me your popularity is based on how many likes u get on yr fb profile pic and that u have more chance of getting more likes if u post at 7 pm , apparently it used to be 10pm!!! And I thought being a teen in the 80s was hard!!!!!! Hopefully this 8 week break away from school will give her time to just rest!!! I think not really knowing 100% what she wants to do career wise    has been a trigger as they have had to choose subjects recently for year 11 using the SATAC guide as a reference to see what uni courses have prerequisites.... I totally get how that in itself can be daunting if she doesn't yet know what she wants to study at uni.....although film making is high on her list....either way she will have to study away from home and probably move interstate....Anyway I have booked a CAMHS app for next Thursday and will do my best to get her there ....naturally she is refusing but I am just going to have to be persistent as we cannot keep going like this!

[NikNik]

Hi @Attahua

You're definately not the only one who has questioned whether these types of things are typical of teenagers or if there's something more there.

Everyone has provided you some great referrals and advice. I just wanted to add one.

There's a great website for 14-25 year olds called ReachOut - it's online, anonymous and accessible 24/7. They also have peer support forums, kind of like this!

I think alot of people (teenagers and adults) feel like seeking "external" support means they can't fix things themselves. I try and stress to people who have that perspective, that reaching out to the appropriate support and doing things that are in their best interest, IS fixing things themselves. It's the act of taking responsibility to seek that support is "fixing it themselves"

Keep us updated and we're here if you need us.

Nik

[Former-Member]

Hi @Attahua,

It is marvellous that your daughter feels so passionate about her studies. Although from a practical point of view there is an idea from psychology that the really high achievers academically are not the most successful in life generally. There is also a push for young women to study science and technology subjects which must be an added pressure for young people who want to do well.

When I read your post I did wonder if your daughter has a reason for being disappointed with her results. Maybe the B is genuinely unfair. So I am wondering if you have investigated this yourself or just accepted what the teacher has done. Your daughter would have a reason to be angry and frustrated if this was the case and she is receiving no support. 

[Attahua]

Oh yes I definitely investigated and have now given all previous tests and assignments to the teacher of director and learning to seek another opinion from the other maths teacher..... am reluctant to check my emails though to see if there has been any response as my daughter is now calm and talking to me again.... although she has been asking!!!Next year she is doing physcology , top maths, top English, chemistry , creative art and art/ design and the compulsory religious ed... But she is now thinking of dropping chem and doing a full year of art..... year 11 art is a massive workload but then again so was year 10 art

[Attahua]

Thank you... this is one I was not familiar with so will casually mention it to my daughter x

[Attahua]

Btw I just realised I spelt psychology wrong... Whoops x