Relationship breakdown and menopause

[Patrick1]

Hello, I am a 48 year old married man.  I have been happily married for 17 years.  I have three children aged 15, 13 and 11.  I am facing a crisis in my marriage and I don't know who to turn to or who can help.  If any members can make suggestions or explain how they have coped in this type of situation I would be most grateful if they would share them.  My wife and I have been going through a stressful period for sometime now.  Challenges with work, raising kids, moving cities (Sydney to Brisbane), moving countries (UK to Australia), worries about our ageing parents and currently living in the middle of a house rennovation.  To make matters much worse my wife is perimenopausal and has developed depression. I am trying to do everything I can to support and help her but she seems to hate me.  She is cold, distant, short tempered and irritable.  I know this could all be related to the menopause so I am trying to be understanding. I have spent time reading about the menopause to educate myself.  Communication seems to be the best way to manage the relationship difficulties that the menopause can cause.  However, she doesn't want to talk to me or open up to me. I feel rejected, lonely and very unhappy. I worry and stress so much these days.  I am tearful and have difficulty sleeping. I have sleeping pills but am trying not to become dependant on them.  I am so anxious that this could be the end of our marriage.  She has emotionally and physically withdrawn from me.  I am starting to have paranoid thoughts and am catastrophising. It's hard to stay sane at the moment.  Can anyone help?

[Bunniekins]

@Patrick1   hi Patrick1 i have been in a similar position as your wife. dont give up on her she needs long term help.  encourage her with yourself to seek counselling.  my ex had an affair on me when i was actually sick with schitzoaffective disorder.   it is a form of schizophrenia.  he left me alone and to fend for myself.  your wife needs to see a psychologist .... a good one is hard to find but dont give up keep looking.  look after yourself during this and remember it is the mental illness talking not your wife.

[Patrick1]

Thanks greenpea. I really appreciate your understanding and suggestions. Sorry to hear your ex did that to you. I have also experienced this type of betrayal and it hurts.

[Messsedup]

Yep. I'm on the other team here. 48 3 kids and disconnected with all the hormonal crap too. Please be present and help shift her load. This is what I've tried to explain to my partner but he takes it all personally and I end up feeling gaslit and even further depressed.
Without knowing what your wife is feeling and putting her in the same basket as me, I would say with 3 kids, not having family or a friend network other than you, and having all the normal juggle us women take on, might be doing her head in. It's overwhelming. Take some extra load, get those kids organised, the home comfortable, those nagging jobs completed and then buy the damn groceries or flowers and plan some meals you can cook or take her on a date!
Yes, these things are team efforts but this is temporary. Show your love and effort.
I hope these hard uncertain times pass. Remember to communicate your needs carefully, especially if they are physical. Our bodies and minds are not always in sync with yours. Love languages differ.
So begins your next chapter in life.
I also believe you can both exercise your way out of this mess. Get moving together. It's great for the mind.

[Patrick1]

Hi @Messsedup Messedup, thanks for your reply. You nailed it, she is overwhelmed with so many. things at the moment. Our teenage kids are really hard work at the moment, our house is being rennovated, we both feel guilty as we can't be there to support our elderly relatives back in the UK. Thanks for your suggestions, I am going to try do some more things to help her. Cheers.

[Wife668]

I’m feeling the exact same way with almost identical aged kids, but as you know (as you messaged re my own post), it’s my husband who’s depressed and struggling. 

I totally sympathise with how hard it is to support when you yourself feel hated, rejected and dismissed. I feel precisely the same way. I don’t know about you, but I often wonder, whether it’s depression and it’s out of our control, or has my partner just become so miserable in our relationship that it wouldn’t matter what I did or didn’t do, he’s checked out for good! It’s so difficult. All of it. 

It’s easy to suggest to take on as many things as you can to help her out as much as possible, but, you also need to focus on looking after you too. I worry if I do too much, for my husband, it’ll enable his lack of interest and his defeatist attitude. I don’t want him to think I’ve for it all handled and he therefore checks out and withdraws even further…. Do you know what I mean?

Finding the answers to how we keep supporting, and how we keep up the faith and love, whilst also not feeling desperate, suffocated and outright hurt, is a tricky thing to find. 

I’ll be praying you for you and your wife, as I am myself (and I don’t even believe in god, so you can see, I’m counting on a miracle) 🫣

[Patrick1]

@Wife668 - thanks for your prayers. I don't believe in god either but appreciate the gesture. I agree - it is very difficult to know how much of my wife's unhappiness is due to depression and how much is down to her dissatisfaction with our relationship. Will the depression end? Will our relationship survive? I have no idea. Thanks for your reminder to look after myself. I am trying to eat well, exercise and limit alcohol. I hope you are being kind on yourself too.