New. And exhausted.

[Jaye-Kay]

Hi, my first post here after joining this forum. Carer's role has a special place in my heart; it can be a very challenging role and invisible work - but real work and a real contribution to the world. I am supporting an adult daughter, across the other side of the world, through recovery from severe isolation, depression, anxiety and emotional abuse within a friendship (the person who has been a big part of actually causing my daughter to completely self-isolate for many years.)

This is very tough for me as I am supporting via phone, daily, sometimes for 2, 3 or 4 hours a day - just to help her get through the process of completely rebuilding her shattered life and broken sense of self.

meanwhile, I also have "mental health issues"  Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and am recognising thst some of my issues have been passed on to my daughter, thus part of the cause of her having become completely enmeshed in a toxic friendship with a person with BDP. (the BDP person, lovely in many ways, and I am not "blaming" her - though she has been highly inappopriate and actually disturbed and distrubing,, she also needs support. but my daughter is clearly not the person to be able to give it...)

so I am working through my own pain, starting therapy this week, and meanwhile trying to stay strong, steady, blanaced - for my daughter. I feel - exhausted. and geographically I am quite isolated.

I also hope to be supportive to others here: it is important to me to feel I have contributions to make in the world. thanks for being here and good to "meet " you

[Former-Member]

Welcome to the Forums @Jaye-Kay. It must be so difficult trying to be there for your daughter emotionally when you can’t be there physically. I can’t imagine how worrying it must be for you. Being there for her for hours a day must be incredibly hard when you are also working through your own pain. I’m glad to hear that you’re starting therapy this week and wish you all the best with it 🙂

In the meantime, you might like to take a look around the Forums. There are lots of other mums in a caring role. A few that come to mind are @Janna, @Attahua and @Untethered. You can read a bit about @Attahua’s story here.

Welcome once again @Jaye-Kay and happy posting!

[Janna]

Hi @Jaye-Kay and welcome.]

Although my situation is completely different to yours the one thing that stuck a chord with me was C-PTSD.  I have also been diagnosed with this as a result of my childhood trauma and abuse and many years of living in a toxic and abusive relationship with a man who had an undiagnosed personality disorder.

I have also had to traverse the difficult road that combines self and others.  Me with C-PTSD and my son with major depression and social anxiety.  It's been a difficult road to travel and has required careful toggling of needs.  My own versus my son, not to mention my daughter.  As a parent and carer I am certain that I could have done better.  I acknowledge that there were times when my own emotional needs were greater and more acute than theirs.  I also acknowledge that I have had shortcomings which may, or may not, have had a significant impact on my children's emotional well-being.  

At the end of the day you have to realise that you are doing the best you can within the given circumstances.  That "yes" there are things that you may or could have done better, and that there are things that you simply can't do.  Just remember that there is no school or degree or anything of the sorts which stipulates that you must do or have done x, y, z in order to qualify as a good carer/mother.  As long as you are doing the best you can, C-PTSD and all, then that is adequate and in essence far more than some others would do.  

Continue with your support of your daughter to the best of your ability and within the constraints of being geographically seperated.  You are doing a great and commendable job spending so much time over the phone in your attempts to support her.  Don't ever question that you aren't doing enough and do not blame yourself.  It is what it is and you are doing the best you can.

Take care and remember to allow yourself to have some time out along the way.  To be a good carer you also need to keep yourself healthy, strong and resillient.

All the best

Janna ❤️

[Untethered]

I must be so difficult to support your daughter from afar, although there are times I wish I my daughter could be somewhere else just for a little while to give me rest, I know my worry would prevent that from happening... so we do the best we can from wherever we are.

I also think we can we can all look back and see how our own mental helath issues, whether that be anxiety, depression, substance abuse, difficult relationships... could have contributed somehow to the issues our children now suffer with. That said, feeling guilty or ashamed is not a standpoint where yiou can begin to help and support them.

I found letting go of those things and trying to focus on the issues in the here and now has been very helpful, even when I begin to feel depair that the journey is so long and so arduos and the life my daughter has at the moment is not ideal, i remond myself that I am actually doing the best I can with the resources available to me.

Stay poistive, stay hopeful and stay in touch.. with those that can support you, as many on here say, looking after yourself is a priority ifn order to be the best support to your daughter.

I sincerely hope you can assist your daughter navigate her way out of the situation she finds herself in, remember though you cannot do it for her, you can only be that guiding hand on her back gently pushing in the direction she needs to go.

I wish you all the very best and hope you, as I have, find comfort on the words and experiences of the other carers on this forum.

[Jaye-Kay]

thank you so much for welcoming me here and your warm and thoughtful responses. hope to communicate with you all more fully - here or on other threads: but right now am just getting reaady to go and attend a new support group, which is about taking care of me! quite right, I am no good to my daughter (or myself) if I am a mess of guilt and cllapsed in despair....

so taking a risk and going off to connect with others in person, who also struggle.  in my family - there is "trans-generational trauma" It's not my fault and yet I acknowledge personal response-ability in my own and my daughter's struggle and I intend to offer her a reparative experience

thanks. take care of yourselves, also. JK