Caring for my cold mother

[Nobrainswilson]

Hi, I'm not sure where to start. I have trouble explaining myself and finding the right words. Sorry if I ramble on..

I'm 53. I am dealing with perimenopausal issues and chronic pain. I had back surgery 3 years ago which made things worse so have a lot of nerve pain. I've had depression most of my adult life. I'm a Disability Support Worker. I do less hours now due to pain. I have 1 son, he'll be 21 next month. He currently lives with his dad, (been seperated for 19 years) who has terminal cancer. Last March I moved in with my mother. She will be 90 in a couple of weeks. I couldn't afford to rent on my own anymore and it seemed the right time to move to be able to help her stay in her public housing that she's lived in for 47 years. 

My mother has been very critical of me for ever. We were never close and I thought it was because I was rebellious. I thought it was because I was useless, lazy, wouldn't wear make up ...  didn't become successful and rich etc. I thought it was my failure as a human that made her appear to dislike me, dismiss me, talk to me like I'm stupid.  I have two older brothers. They're 9 and 10 years older than me. The biological father left before I was conceived. He came back one day, had his way with her and left when she became pregnant with me. I've often thought that she probably has negative feelings about me because I was conceived. So now here I am, living in her house. I've given most of my household stuff away. There's no room here to store anything. I try not to get in her way, make too much noise, clean up after myself. But what I am really struggling with is any negative thing she says, even though it might be small and insignificant to others, it makes my blood boil. I struggle so much to not be upset by her. I don't know how to be unaffected by her. As an adult. 53 years old! And I cry most nights from the realisation that for whatever reason, my mother has never had love or empathy for me. I will help her as her health declines with age (she'll live to 150 to spite me). I'll try to do what I can but I don't know how my mental health will survive. How do I deal with a cold hearted woman. How do I heal from realising that I've never had the love of a mother, only criticism and rejection. 

I'm on HRT for peri and pregablin for pain. I need to go back on anti depressants. It's so expensive to see a GP and hard to get appointments.  I have a feeling I've typed way too much and I appreciate it if anyone made it all the way to the end lol.. thanks.

[amber22]

Hey there @Nobrainswilson 

I'm so sorry to hear that you and your mums relationship is so tough. It can be really mentally straining, especially when you also have to deal with your own other mental and physical challenges. 

Do you currently have anyone else that can support you? This could be formal (like a mental health professional) or informal (like friends, or other family members)? It might be worth spending more time with them, and starting to set boundaries or limit your time with your mother. Do you think this might help? 

Sending hugs,

Amber22

[Shiki]

Hi @Nobrainswilson 

it sound likes your going through a real hard time at the moment. thankyou for reaching out and seeking help. This sounds like there is alot of built up feelings between you and your mother, have you actually tried to sit down with you mum and tell her how you feel? I know your trying your best to keep the peace, does that mean you don't try to spend time with her try to be friends? sometime we get so caught up in trying to keep the peace we tend to actively try to stay out of the way and doing so your not communicating much with that person and so you can build that barrier between you even more so you might be trying to do your best however they could see it as your ignoring them or not interesting in talking thats not to say this is your situation but my point sometimes if one party is not trying to make amends to the relationship perhaps you need to take the first step which could break a barrier with her and create an environment where you two can speak about things. BUT the most important thing right now is look after yourself, do you have any supports whether its other family or friends you can talk to ? I would encourage you to seek out further help and work through this trauma with a trained professional as it sound like there is alot of unpacking to be done here for you, If you cant create a happy environment with you mother perhaps you need to relocate elsewhere if your able to as it not good to be stuck in an environment that's constantly triggering you. please do seek out some professional help and if you ever need to talk to someone in meantime please contact the lifeline support number.

warm regards

[Miss-wish]

I'm sending lots of hugs @Nobrainswilson, Toxic parents are horrible and unfraternally we will never be good enough for them. Are your brothers able to help? do you have friends you can hang out with / get support from? social groups to attend? loud music and a lock on your door? really good noise canceling headphone?  

The blue knot can help with childhood trauma https://blueknot.org.au/ and you can get 20 free sessions with a psychologist a year, there are GP's available online and some of them do claim via Medicare.

Does your mother have an aged homecare package? if so getting her a support  worker could help take the pressure off you.

[Nobrainswilson]

Thankyou for that link. I forgot I had come here and made a post. 

The oldest brother moved out of home when I was around 10. From when I was around 12 maybe, him and his gf (now wife) would visit and the first thing he would say to me, every damn time that I saw him, he would say to me, "have you grown any boobs (he used a different word starting with T then an I then another T and an S) yet?" (I was always a very very skinny kid with no boobs) When I would get upset by his bullying, mum would tell me to lighten up, he's just joking with me. I don't have a single good memory of time spent with him. He is very arrogant, very much the same nastiness as mum. My other brother is like me, very sensitive and introverted. He used to talk about feeling bullied by mum too. We don't talk much anymore.

I do have some good friends. I've distanced myself from them all over the last couple of years. My cup is overflowing and I don't have the energy, mentally, to 'be a friend' for anyone. They understand, so far. 

My sons father died two days ago. I've been at his dads house with my son and his boyfriend, trying to console my son. He's a sensitive kid.  He had to do CPR on his dads lifeless body until the paramedics got here. I got here not long after that. Breaks my heart that he went through that. So I'm busy trying to get this neglected house cleaned up and we are hoping the current wife doesn't take this house from my son! Life really shits on people sometimes doesn't it. And I actually feel bad that the healthy, smart, confident parent was taken from my son when im such an unhealthy mess lol... low self esteem is a cruel bitch! 

Anyway, thankyou again for that link. I did a long email last night at around 2 am lol. Mind racing. I know I'll get through all of this but I don't know how lol.  

Hope your world is full of love and health.