17yo BPD Daughter. Lying, won't come home

[WgA-IM]

My 17yo has BPD & is medicated for ADHD & Depresdion.

Has really escalated, resulting in breakup w BF after 18months.

Now won't come home, staying out, self medicating w marijuana and Alcohol. 

Now, refusing to come home to take meds. Immediate withdrawal from depression meds will be diasterous.

She is hightened, disregulated and raging against us due to her pain over breakup. We cannot physically drag her home. What can we do? I am sick with anxiety and stress.

[tyme]

Hey @WgA-IM ,

Im sorry to hear how hard it is for

you. Do you think she is safe?

If not, the only option is to phone police. There’s little that can be done if she is refusing to return unfortunately.

Does she have any supports in place? Like a MH team?

[WgA-IM]

Thanks.

She is with a friend, I think she is safe there, but don't know once she leaves.

She texts, but lies so cannot trust any information. 

She has a good GP and psychologist, but of course the picture she gives them is from her viewpoint. That of the observer and those she hurts is very different.

Trying to avoid police, but it may be the only option soon.

[tyme]

It's a tough one. @WgA-IM 

I have BPD, and I know that if she doesn't want to return, it's unlikely she will. That is coupled with being a teen... 

I'm hearing you. 

Do you have supports for yourself?

[WgA-IM]

Yes, just starting on that now.

My community support person is warm but I dont feel is super familiar with many of the intricacies of BPD.

My GP is great, and I'm seeking support if private psychologist.

Thanks for your support.

[BasicBird]

Is there a reason why she doesnt want to come home? 

It's possible people lie to have their needs met. What are those needs she is wanting have? 

You don't need to answer me that. That's something you will find out and take it from there 🙂

[Tranquil_Atoms]

I acknowledge that what you are facing right now cannot be easy. @WgA-IM 

I know as a parent all you want to do is reel her back in, get her help and keep her safe.

Your daughter is currently lost in her own journey and may need your help finding her way back.

Be ready for when this happens with an environment you think she'll feel safe and comfortable in.

Also do your best to take care of yourself as well. 🙂

[WgA-IM]

Thank you. She is returning home more regularly,  but even then is frequently disregulated and such a different child to that we've known.

She's an identical twin, so has the additional aspect of having a more 'normal' version of herself to compare to.

• The parenting is so difficult- wanting to give space and support, but not accepting disrespect, dishonesty and abuse.  

[tyme]

It's a lengthy process. @WgA-IM Part of it is growing up into an adult as well as having BPD on top of that. 

Perhaps the biggest thing is for her to know you still love her no matter what. 

People with BPD often feel abandoned by their loved ones because of the guilt and shame of what they have done. As much as you are hurting, I'm sure she is hurting ten times more. Knowing that you have an open door for her will give her the option to return when she is ready.

With my BPD, the most helpful thing was when people gave me choice. Rather than telling me "You MUST come home", they said "You're more than welcome to return when you feel ready". This in turn helps the borderline feel in control of their lives, particularly because their life most likely feels so out of control. 

By her refusing to come home is probably her asserting the little control she has left in her borderline life. 

[WgA-IM]

Many thanks @tyme , that is a helpful perspective