Husband with suspected BPD

[DontLookStrickn]

Hey there,

I would love to speak to people who have gone through suspected BPD with their spouse. 

I have asked him to go to emergency for support, as he is currently in an episode (although this time seems a little different),

Content/trigger warning

but he told me what I was asking is the equivalent of asking a 'junkie' to seek help with a needle in their arm...

I've currently moved out of our home so he can have space to do the 'dangerous' things I don't allow or encourage him to do e.g cheating, drugs, alcohol.

I just want this episode to end so I can go home to my best friend but I'm worried because this episode is different he may not love me anymore, and what I believe is an episode may not be...

TIA

[tyme]

Hey @DontLookStrickn ,

Thank you for sharing. 

I see a lot of strength in that you stand your ground when it comes to not allowing him to do 'dangerous' things around you. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I reckon he respects you more for taking this stand.

Can I just confirm, are you referring to borderline personality disorder or bipolar?

Can you also clarify what an 'episode' looks like (just the general... no specifics)? Only if you feel able to.

[DontLookStrickn]

Hey, 

Thanks for saying that. I don't feel too strong or respected right now, but I'm sure in time it will stop hurting as much.

I/we suspect he has borderline personality disorder. His episodes are too infrequent to quantify bipolar.

His usual episode will look like the following;

- everything will be fine the out of no where he will become secretive and start to put me down more often. Will usually say thing are my fault when things go wrong, and is less supportive towards my needs.

- out of the blue, he will start hanging out with someone he has met from work. This will turn in to over night stays, doing activities without asking me to come along, and excuses as to why I can't come.

- then a fight occurs and he says he is leaving me. He will become nasty about money, what's his and what's mine, and will have no kind bone left.

- he will live with the work colleague for a few weeks/months where I will hear nothing from him and he will block my number, I'm unsure what happens during this time, he says usually dangerous and risk taking behaviour.

- all of a sudden I'll start getting kind messages or calls asking how I am. The 'love' starts to blossom again and he ends up leaving that person for me and we start the relationship cycle again with intense love and admiration.

This episode however has been different.

- We have recently bought a house together, he usually moves out as we were previously living with my family, now I have temporarily moved out as he has no where else to go. I think the sense of security by having his own house may be playing in to this.

- he had sex with his work friend on our bed while I was at work. This has never happened before.

- he believes in marriage and the rules around monogamy, in his vulnerable moments when he talks he seems to feel worse about cheating as this is the first episode since being married.

- he is being kind about money, kindly texting to check in on me, and calls me just to chat. I have explained that it brings me too much anxiety and depression to do this, as the reason I moved out was so he could do what he needed to do to end the cycle.

- when I moved out 4 days ago, he wasn't 'in love' with me and didn't fear losing me. When I spoke to him this morning he said he was incredibly sad and didn't know why, I did ask if he was scared of losing me, and if this was why he was keeping contact, he said maybe a little more than before but not really.

I'm just incredibly confused and feel like I'm being pulled in to the mind games, even if they are unintended. 

I don't know how best to support him right now because his flippancy is making me angry and upset, and I honestly just want to scream at him that I shouldn't have to ask permission to come home!

Hope that's a helpful insight to your question @tyme 

[tyme]

It sounds incredibly hard and unstable for you @DontLookStrickn .

I hear you are married, but I wonder if it is better you have separate bank accounts. Or one shared, but also have a separate one. I only recently read about financial and how people try to control the other through money etc. I'm going to look for the article to show you: https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-05-22/how-to-protect-yourself-from-financial-abuse-in-relationships...

Of course I cannot say whether you husband has BPD or not, but from what I have read, he is terribly unstable and perhaps feeling very low inside. Therefore, he is seeking external things to satisfy him and give him that dopamine hit each time he feels low.

Does he want things to change? Does he want the relationship to improve?

I'm glad you have removed yourself to give him space. I hope you can talk about things and perhaps have something written so you can refer back to it later.

Hearing you.

[DontLookStrickn]

Thanks for sending the article. It has definitely made me think about other options I can employ.

I spoke with him on the weekend and he seems to getting to the end of this period, usually the end is a very emotion break down and then he will build himself back up.

I told him I reached out to a community to try to understand what he cannot tell me in these moments. He wanted to ask a question, hopefully someone can help the both of us?

His question is - when you feel compulsions, firstly, what do they feel like? Secondly, how do you stop acting upon them?

He has said he wants the relationship to change, and he wants both of us to get help. I couldn't agree more. From what I have read, I have not promoted a healthy safe haven for him. Now that I understand slightly better, hopefully we can manage these challenges together, with therapist, to ensure massive eruptions are kept to a minimum.

I've googled and not found exactly much. I hope that a therapist who specializes in BPD is able to provid more support and guidelines. My question to you all - what does a safe haven look like to you? What does your person do for you when life is becoming too overwhelming and you cannot self regulate?

[scruffypuffball]

@tyme @DontLookStrickn this does not sound like bpd to me....I saw a therapist at a hospital once and described my best friends behaviour to him and he said it was bpd.  BPDs are not manipulative or sadistic, they are just messed up.  This guy sounds more like he has narcissist traits.  The fact he is cheating on you etc, putting you down.  Just research a bit on narcissism to rule that out...