Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Welcome & getting started

Re: inconsistent behaviour

@Herewegoround 

Not sure how she will respond, given the mood you have described.  What you say sounds utterly reasonable, but I have been rebuffed a lot given similar statements. Fell on deaf ears.

Wish I could be more optimistic, a lot depends on her willingness.

 

My health became a lot worse given living in similar conditions, and I had to set a BOUNDARY.  Generally I am not a boundary person, and tend to try and bridge all things with goodwill and love, but I really had to accept that I had to develop a firmness in myself NOT to be buffeted so much by my adult children, no matter what they said or did.  Find some inner line ... which you can hold to, and detach when things are frosty.  I think part of it is their need to separate from us and their lack of ability (for whatever reason) to negotiate their own "launching". That said, there are western notions of what is appropriate separations, and often other cultures are more at ease with multi generational living, and do not take it with so much "shame", but what is simply necessary and economic good sense.  

 

Sometimes being too kind or gentle can actually set up a dynamic where the other seems hard hearted..Sometimes being breezy or matter of fact, can help shift the dynamic. 

 

Definitely make some statement, anything that NEEDS to be said.

 

Not sure how your house is set up, but I tend to withdraw form what I call his end of the house.

 

We had a shared love of our cats too.  Give her space to get her act together, and manage it on your own, then I hope you can share "cat stuff" later.

 

Mother child "dyads" will always be uneven in many ways ... it is def not 50/50 ...yet there is a quality about it that is a great privilege for us mothers.  Protect yourself, you do not need too much fallout from her growing pains.

 

There is a bit written on rigid and porous boundaries that I found helpful.  My kids having quite rigid boundaries, and me never being able to develop any, and being too porous.  Later as they mature, they will be more receptive to love.

Re: inconsistent behaviour

Omg that sounds exactly like us. She has strong boundaries I don’t.
Where do you find this inner strength? She would love me to retreat, my bad I don’t. I want the loving caring daughter back so I push. I try to do kind things for her mostly because she Normally asks me to do things and then is always very appreciative, it’s a great atmosphere.Maybe that’s what she means about me being controlling.
I don’t know what needs to be said except I’m worried she will want to take her diner into her room to eat. I’ll lose it if that happens it’s communication time. That would be the end I don’t know how to say eat here. Plus she hates anyone telling her what to do....she’ll do the opposite.

Re: inconsistent behaviour

@Appleblossom @Shaz51 @ShiningStar @BPDSurvivor Well Apple your lack of optimism was well founded. She stormed off when I told her the atmosphere making me unable to eat. I wasn’t going to say that but I did. Saying something like your not blaming me and also said that I don’t know how hard  it is ,after my understanding how hard it is being here statement.

she came out to get some food and I told her I didn’t blame her it’s just what happens.I asked her to tell me how hard it is. She responded I come out of my room and get all of this shit. I said you won’t like this but can you put the ointment in Sooks mouth, she said no I don’t want to help you with anything I said it’s for sooks I’m putting her under undue stress( it’s a two person job) she answered no....as I was asking her to talk she yelled stop telling me what to do! Hmm isn’t she dictating to me what to do.

I respected her room and did not enter but I have texted . “ it’s not your fault. Communicate what your needs are tell me how hard it is. Tell me what I need to do to find a mutually beneficial situation. I will stop focusing on you. We need to say it .please. I’m not blaming you, I’m not saying it’s your fault. I don’t know what I don’t know. She hasn’t read it but she will, eventually and i now wish I hadn’t sent it as she will still say I’m telling her what to do. Personally I think I’m asking her to help solve a problem.

people say why don’t I ask her to leave but I cannot do that as her father demanded her and her then partner leave this house around 6 years ago. It was n ugly scene and It was a trauma for her which she doesn’t need repeating.

i actually don’t know how long I can take this though... will she eventually disclose...is there a way of phrasing things that would help. Eg how do you want to move forward....what are your ideas??

i find it hard to believe that last week she was telling me the only person she wants to talk to when she is sick is me.

 

Re: inconsistent behaviour

Sorry about all that. @Herewegoround 

It makes sense you want an feeling of affection and appreciation and she has expressed it before and so probably will come back to it.   Maybe you could tweak it this way or that, but I honestly do not think that your phrasing is the problem.  It sounds as if when she is in that mood, she does not want to engage.

 

I try not to get too verbal with my son and avoid arguments, but sometimes, we have to say what we need to say, whilst living in our own home.

 

My children have had me begging and pleading and apologising for decades.  Lately I am over it and not wanting to let them get me in that position. I have been told I give my power away by a few people.  I am beginning to feel I have some rights.  You have rights.  

 

Its sad about the cat tho.  My son and I bonded over our cats, and one needed daily medication for a year before he died.  My son did help me, a little.  Eventually I figured out a way to do it on my own, by wrapping the cat up in a towel and holding it like a baby and having pill ready to pop in back of throat.  It seemed the quickest and least traumatic for the cat.

 

We cannot control how others behave to us.  Sometimes pushing can be helpful and I know mothers who do it.  It is not something I have had success with.  I keep expectations simple.  When he is well, I hope that good moments and good experiences filter through and give a basis of respect for himself, for others and for me.

 

Things we can control and things we cannot ... is often put in a circle

ControlCircle-scaled.jpg

 

There are similar and more complicated versions on the net ...

I keep having to do little exercises all the time.

Re: inconsistent behaviour

Thank you @Appleblossom @I appreciate your words. You definitely know what I’m going through. For the first time last night I found it hard sleeping. I woke in the early hours of the morning determined I was going to break her rule and engage with her in the morning before work, I was going to.... so many things went through my head. I read your post and then started to read about boundaries, that I need to respect her boundaries that I can only state my boundaries when she is open to listening. I also read more on passive aggressive which states never withdraw speaking to someone as it’s worse than a physical punch. That validated that it is wrong that she gives me the silent treatment. Well I changed my mind I always new it would lead nowhere just put fuel  on the fire. In the morning I did go and get my tea she moved to the other side of the kitchen no words were spoken. When she left I said see you hun which is and has been the usual beginning of a day ( when she is receptive she usually says it first)

i want to stop thinking about this I want to say this is her problem forget about it , do what I have to do but I find my self constantly over thinking ,working out different ways to speak to her I cannot get her out of my head it stops me focusing on what I’m doing sometimes I add a little extra worry that might happen. How do you get to that point where you don’t do this?

Anyhow I have my son and daughter in-law coming for dinner tonight. I want to focus on that.i did manage to tell my daughter and explain that it was organised last week them picking tonight because there is no work tomorrow, to which she uttered sneeringly “oh great”. I now worry that she will not come home or that see will ruin the evening...I’m trying to let that go that’s my warped  thoughts. Knowing they would be here tonight is what gave me the courage to speak yesterday it really is one of the few things keeping me together.

Re: inconsistent behaviour

@Herewegoround 

Keep focussing on making a lovely evening for your family. Glad you have that.

 

I had to make some statements even though I know my son was not 'ready to hear', because I had to highlight things outside his knowledge and understanding and somehow inject change.  I really do not like to give advice ... so take anything I write with a grain of salt and act from your own perspective.

 

Your concern about daughter's possible negative actions, maybe justified She has expressed it, but fingers crossed she will manage herself properly. Let it firm your resolve to manage the evening well and your daughter without fear or favour, but focus on the positive outcomes ...if she steps out of line maybe its time to suggest she seeks therapy or other "help".  

 

 

@BPDSurvivor @ShiningStar @Shaz51 

Re: inconsistent behaviour

Thank you. I understand that we all have our own tiggers traumas and different dynamics. I appreciate listening to what helped you and what you had to do but I also understand even though it’s similar it’s not the same. I will definitely take things with a pinch of salt.

Re: inconsistent behaviour

Hi @Herewegoround @Appleblossom @Shaz51 @ShiningStar  and others passing.

 

Just wanted to invite you to tonight's topic Tuesday which begins in about 30mins (7pm AEDT). Click here:  Topic Tuesday // Supporting loved ones living with BPD // Tuesday 25th January, 7pm-8:30pm AEDT 

 

We invite all, especially carers for this chat.

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

For urgent assistance