Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Otter123]

Hi! I'm new to this and looking for some advice and support as I'm struggling to understand my partner's behaviour and want to learn more about it. We've been together for ~8 yrs and have a preschooler with another on the way soon. He's always had anxiety and depression, which was managed ok. In the last few years, he's become increasingly attached to his mobile phone (my son has to compete a lot for attention and often joins in on what he's looking at to get closer to him), is terrible with finances and just spends $, binges on junk food daily, is a workaholic (but is better with his new job this year) and is cold emotionally (angers easily, prefers his own company and often overreacts). About a year ago he had a mental breakdown hospital admission (first time ever) related to bullying at work and working excessively and has not been the same since. The doctors suggested he probably had BPD although I don't think so, with differential diagnoses of situational crises, major depression disorder, adjustment disorder or Aspergers. Recently, after a year of treatment his psychologist thinks he's got PTSD. He often complains of being tired, usually has daily naps and god help us if we wake him up. He spends all of Saturday playing cricket and Sundays doing house projects or maintenance on his own (even though I tell him not to and to take it easy), so pretty much I do my own thing on weekends. Other than cricket, he avoids doing things socially. He's difficult to talk to, avoids lots of topics, and is sensitive to criticism/advice - so I don't understand what's going on. I'm worried about what's going to happen in the future, with a child on the way and very limited support from him. What is the prognosis of PTSD? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Roadrunner]

Hi Otter123.

Welcome to the SANE forum, where you may be able to get some feedback and support about the difficulties you are describing. Certainly it would be very isolating for you to be living with you partner and with a little one on the way.  The way to get support is as you have done, and there are members here that will help you.   As a starting point, you may find this link useful, as well as other resources availablle through the SANE Forum:  https://saneforums.org/t5/Welcome-getting-started/PTSD-and-sharing-a-place/m-p/1072815#M969                                                All the best. Roadrunner (one of the forum Moderators)                                                                                                                                          

[Appleblossom]

@Otter123 '

You have a lot on your plate, with one on the way.

My son over bonded with his father on tek stuff. It was the shape of their relationship.  I could not control it, just persisted with showing him other ways or being and relating, so that he would have options.

Re partner's issues

I find Pete Walker's stuff good.  Eg "Shrink the Inner Critic" "From Surviving to Thriving"

Your partner might be placing too much pressure on himself and not know how to relax.  I had that problem too.  

https://yes-pdf.com/book/785 

[Owen45]

Yes, I have PTSD but unfortunately no one to support me.  Just need to cope alone as best I can. Best of luck supporting your partner. 

[flybluebird]

Hi @Otter123 

Sending a warm welcome to you here on the forums - what came to mind for me when reading your post was an alternative service - Australian specific trauma service called blueknot 
- they have a lot of online resources & a helpline that as being a partner, you can use to ask for advice or chat about how to possibly help your partner with complex trauma. If he was at the point where he’d be interested himself in also using the helpline - there is that available as well.

Having lived with the after effects of trauma myself I know it to be a very complex time & I hope you can find the supports that suit your situation. If your partner won't speak with you much about it, perhaps reading about how trauma effects people might be of some use for your own understandings?

I personally found learning how trauma impacts the brain & it’s responses really helpful along my own recovery process. 

[wellwellwellnez]

I was looking at your list of conditions and thought I might add something else that lines up with those symptoms. Something I've been able to work with in myself once I identified it. I'm also integrating some key traumas but the condition I'm talking about is AVPD an "attachment theory" concept.

It's underresearched but affects something like 60% of males (and a fair chunk of females) to varying degrees. Nicknames I have for it include "man cave disease", "clinical shyness", "the "yes I am and must be an island" complex" and "feelings dismissal reflex syndrome".

Good news is, it's not really a disorder so much as a set of personality traits. Doesn't need to be "cured" but it does need to adapt and evolve (or people progresively become too much to deal with (which is not fun (or healthy (or good)))).

My favourite source is Ryan Liberty who falls for AVPD people a lot thus gets them in special ways.

Doctor Ramani and Doctor Todd Grande are also good youtube clinicians re: AVPD (and other stuff).

Unfortunately (and predictably) most AVPD people struggle with talking about it.

Some of us try but there's a signature struggle to it.