Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[ArraDreaming]

Not sure if I have post this in the right place but things are tough at the moment, our son (almost 4) has entered us into probably our most challenging time of parenting so far as he struggles with crippling anxiety and behavioural issues, which is causing stress in my partner and I's relationship, as we work out that we have different ideal parenting styles and the demands of caring for a child with extra needs and an 8 month old weigh heavily on me. 
I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, though we are fortunate to have a fairly cruisy little baby, it is still incredibly difficult to manage our older ones behaviour. My partner works so I am home with both of the kids full time. Our oldest was attending kinder 2 half days a week which was a welcome relief for us even just for a couple of hours but refuses to go now and no amount of bribery will do the job, with his energy and hyperactivity it's like having 6 children. The stress of it all means at the end of the day I am too exhausted, worried, anxious about the next day to enjoy time with my partner, her work is a challenging and demanding role especially coming out of COVID, so we are both weathering our own storms. But I can help but feel some resentment towards her... that sounds terrible... but I feel like this isn't what I signed up for??? I used to go to work everyday, come home and jump straight into family life after, exhausting but that was what we had going, now I am home 5 days a week and feel so unsupported during the day, I do my best to manage H's behaviour, but then come 6pm I get told that's not the right move to be making with him? i've been home all day with them both with no help and nobody to call, I like to think what I do works in the moment, and hate being told I'm not doing something "right". Just having a little rant. 

[Paperdaisy]

@ArraDreaming I can totally relate to that. I have two under 5 and and Mr 5 is very anxious and doesn't like going to school most days. It's so great you're reaching out here. I don't have the answers but I find it really helpful to check in with others in the same situation. It helps remind me that "this too shall pass" and to try and enjoy the moments even though they are challenging. 

Maggie Dent has been so helpful for me in understanding my childs personality. My partner also really like this site https://www.the-father-hood.com/ for Dads. 

I hope things get easier for you in time😊

[Shaz51]

Hello @ArraDreaming 

been wondering how you were going with your 2 little ones at home 

it can get tiring at times 

I will tag @frog , @Anastasia 

and @Determined for you too 

[Determined]

Hi @ArraDreaming 

I don't have any answers but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

I have 2/3 children (14 &16)  at the moment with emotional challenges and my wife also so feeling like the one holding the zoo together.

I would very much like to return to full time work but that would not be in the beat interest of my family. I get the feeling resentful 😌 

And the conflict in parenting style also.

My darling take the 'friend' rather than parent approach yet I am the one who has to manage school and appointments. Yet get undermined on significant decisions. 

Yep weary and over it at the moment so hearing you. 

Are you able to talk to your partner about this? I  know I can't 😕

[Anastasia]

Hello @ArraDreaming 

I hear you. My boys both had "seperation anxiety" going to pre school and then school. It was awful. I drove to work in tears in many occasions.

I really feel for you juggling, it is a lot. 

Not saying the situation is the same but this worked for me...

I took them separately to a child psychologist. I sat in on the session due their age. First she spoke to me alone on the phone to understand what's going on. 

It turned out that due to my own anxiety having seperated from my then husband I was reacting to leaving my children and they picked up on this and reacted by crying, clawing at my legs and begging me not to leave them. The psychologist gave me "instructions" on how to behave at drop offs and it only took one day for older son and about five for younger (much more headstrong) to turn the behaviour around. 

I am not saying this is your situation by any means but just putting it out there in case it helps. 

Being a parent is the hardest "job" in the world and I commend you Jay 🙏

[frog]

Hi @ArraDreaming that sounds exhausting. I hope there are some good moments to break up the hard slog.

Do you have any close family or friends that could give you even a couple of hours respite? It's not always possible I know. I was quite isolated as a stay at home parent.

Both my kids were very anxious and it manifest in very different ways. The second one is still struggling with a range of diagnoses - Autism spectrum, ADHA, Major Depressive Disorder and anxiety. It's a long haul, but having seen the older one find their feet I try to maintain hope. I am a single parent (not at all my choice) and felt/feel guilty for everything that goes wrong. It's not rational to carry that, but hard to avoid. Reading your post, I see someone shouldering a huge load.

The different parenting styles issue is really tough. I have a lot of empathy for the person doing the hard slog and having to make hundreds of little decisions everyday. Maybe being 100% at home, or work makes it more likely that the differences are in sharp focus. Could it be worth discussing whether there's a way for you to share the split?

Does the school/kinder offer any support re refusal to go?

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Hi @Anastasia @Determined @Shaz51 @Paperdaisy parenting is hard hey.

[ArraDreaming]

Hi @frog @Anastasia @Determined @Shaz51 @Paperdaisy sorry for late reply we got very busy here and then went away for couple days this week. 
We have had a lot of support from his kinder but we're running out of options, we are considering taking him for the rest of the year and revisiting next year as 3yo kinder is not mandatory here, we will look at another activity on kinder days instead. He is so distressed about going, and without actually knowing the cause we can at least take away large part of the issue, see what a break does and go back next year. 

I was thinking about my comments I said about my relationship with my partner. I feel guilty about being angry/annoyed at her, it's like a cycle. I worked out maybe I feel annoyed because this isn't what expected my life to be like, I mean, it's good, don't get me wrong but I used to run a successful small business, go to work, come home to 1 child and a baby who were so happy to see me the end of the day, and all of a sudden due to COVID my business has shutdown forever, and I am now a stay at home dad, with different demands and things each day, it's hard work,going from working individually each day to have 2 kids hanging off you all day,  trying to help them and fulfil every need, and one that seems to hate you 50% of the time, not something I really envisioned for myself, but I also respect my partner and see that she has studied and worked very hard in the sector she is in and does great work. 
our oldest is just escalating as the days go on 
He is such a gorgeous kid who doesnt do these things on purpose but today it was terrible, he pushed our baby off my lap (and onto the couch cushion next to me). I was sitting holding him and he came past and pushed him. He immediately feels bad but it's impulsive.I used to be a lot like that. 

[Paperdaisy]

Hi @ArraDreaming It's so hard isn't it. With mine we have found it helpful to mix up the morning routine as sometimes I've found they get into a pattern of negative emotions and the routine and it becomes a cycle. My understanding is that children look for cues in their environment, so we would mix up who did the drop off or go to the park first and then drop off. I found it helped stop the build up, prior to going and some days we avoided the meltdown altogether. Sounds like you are doing the right things though, and you can revisit it next year. 

I can totally relate to having the kids hanging off you all the time. My work days are like respite and a lot of my friends with kids say that too. My husband has been looking after the kids 1 day a week and he is exhausted and happy to be back at work the day after. It's really hard work and it sounds like you're doing a really great job and you care about those kids a lot. Try and find a window to look after yourself too, when your partner is home. Best of luck with it all😊