Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

SELF HATRED

JOHN 7: 38 “He who believes in me, as the scripture said, from his innermost being shall flow rivers of living water”.

LOOKING FOR A DRINK IN A DRY WELL

Jesus knew
- who he was,
- where he came from,
- where he was going,
- who his Father was
- and that all of his friends will deny him.

BUT WHAT WAS HIS RESPONSE?? Jesus picked up a towel, and washed their feet .'. — the behaviour of others did not determine His actions. This is true freedom, the freedom from the actions of others.

How many of us have our actions predetermined by others and so in fact, are not living life but merely responding to it, as being physically born from below, our life initially centres around the things of the earth. We look to others for the affirmations of worth, acceptance, security, love and commitment.

As we look to others to meet our spiritual desires, desires that only God can meet, we find that they first want us to meet theirs. We are, as one lady said in a conference, “Like two ticks and no dog.”

We then become angry and bitter towards our mate, our friend, our parents, the Pastor or the child. However the anger does not stop there. We begin to hate ourselves for needing other’s to love and accept us, before we can get on with life.

We hate having our mood controlled by outside influences - the glance of another, the casual unkind word, the lack of interest in what we do and the subtle hints at our inferiority.

In short, we hate ourselves for not being free, as we find ourselves under the control of another, a slave going hat in hand begging for our daily allotment of acceptance, security and assurance.

We hate that we have become, an emotional leach and we know it. We thirst and find ourselves constantly looking into dry wells for a drink.

WE CANNOT EXIST HATING OURSELVES, SO... we tend to believe that others have created the feelings of ill will that we have towards ourselves. However we know they have not created our inner misery only revealed it. I have observed this about hatred, we can live hating others (since some seem to have the need to hate) BUT we cannot exist hating ourselves.

Oswald Chambers in one of his devotionals put this well when he says in this paragraph “MOST OF THE SUFFERING IN LIFE COMES BECAUSE WE REFUSE TO BE DISILLUSIONED" EG: If I love a human being and do not love God, I demand of a man or woman an infinite satisfaction, which they cannot give. I demand of them every perfection every rectitude, and when I do not get it, I become cruel, vindictive and jealous – we need to move through the transfiguration of Love and the discipline of Disillusionment into the satisfaction of God. There is only one who can satisfy the aching abyss, the aloneness of the human heart, and that is - the Lord Jesus Christ.”

We may attempt to drink at a wells that holds no water for the inner man - we look to our mate, our boss, our parents, our children, our Pastor... begging them to give us what they do not possess. If we do thet we have the misery that we deserve, because the end result is not only hatred towards those who fail at being God for us, but self hatred for being in a such pathetic place.

Anything that we make to meet man’s deepest needs is a god, albeit a false god, so in the end must fail us.

As all carnal men do, we make the government a god and demand that the government intervene in everyone’s life but their own, that others may even be forced to meet their needs, we too often demand from Governments what only God can give.

However, NOTHING will meet the deepest longings of the human heart but Jesus, and he has structured life in such a way that NO other can. He made us for himself and in him we would find life.

ANSWER TO SELF HATRED
As is everything in the Christian life the answer is for the simple and the weak. Those who have lost the strength to pull the world towards themselves or draw themselves towards it and humbly say, “I have a God, His name is Jesus, and He meets all my needs, Amen" Ah, but this statement is not made without some measure of disillusionment. Not that we are desire to be lottery Christians who want to obtain, in an instant, what others have gained through a process (a lottery type Christian wants to gain the spirituality, fruit, and maturity of spiritual men and woman, without going through the process of having Doctrine, people, mates, teachers, vocations or places that FAIL them). No, GOD IS NOT MAKING MUSHROOM BELIEVERS - BUT OAK TREES. One is immediate; the other is a lifetime in the revelation making.

TO DISCOVER THAT THE WORLD DOES NOT MEET OUR NEEDS IS NOT A PLEASANT EXPERIENCE AND NORMALLY TAKES SOME TIME.

However, upon discovering that Christ Jesus meets the inner needs of man, we do not withdraw from man, but on the contrary we are drawn to others, but with a much different attitude - now we do not run to other’s begging life, but to give life.

JOHN 7: 38 “He who believes in me, as the scripture said, from his innermost being shall flow rivers of living water “
Amen

by Ray Andrews

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member

I think it is really important to high-light those issues about spirituality and self-hatred.

Water SYMBOLISM is huge and very important.  Physical water realities are huge too.

It is a very interesting post .. will def look more at Oswald Chambers

thanks

Apple

[Appleblossom]

Oswald Chambers was one kool dude.  Enough for his widow to publish his works for 30 years.

Apparently he didnt like "religious types"

Ministering to WWI Australian and NZ soldiers in Egypt and he died there a young man.

I then looked up his UTMOST ... and found that the language was of his age and can seem outdated, but I really felt inspired in learning about this man.

Reminds me of a different theologian of the period, Simone Weil.

Thanks @Former-Member

[Shazab]

Hey @Former-Member it seems to me that self hatred could be a natural consequence of knowing God before we get to the stage of self acceptance, truly loving yourself can be hard enough even without mental illness becoming involved, even the most God like of us has said "When I contemplate oh my God, the relationship that bindeth me to Thee, I am moved to proclaim to all created things "verily I am God"; but when I consider myself, lo, I find it courser than clay." Just thought you might find that interesting

[Makeitstop]

Thanks for this... Fantastic article!! While it has been a revelation I've needed, I am now awake stressing afresh about the 'empty well' situation I have to sort out in my life (well one of them). Here comes yet another night without sleep... this insomnia thing is getting ridiculous!!! Why is it the worst of the anxiety and thoughts kick in at night...I'm beginning to dread the days end.
I wrote you a long reply late this arvo and the stinking internet dropped out just as I pressed send/post.... aaaggghh... anyway Appleblossom I wanted to know if you are a Christian or even if there are others here on the forum who are.
I am keen to chat about faith and MI and the wrestle, challenges and battle I face in this area....sooooo many questions and confusion....
Anyway just putting it out there!!

[Former-Member]

@Makeitstop, apologies, only just found this post you contributed (2months ago). I think your wish to 'chat about Faith & MI' is valid. Today I can't quite figure out where to start. Are you still about? Theres a small handful of believers here that I can tag, who might find the topic interesting.

One thing that come to mind that concerns me in Mental Health is the term 'delusion' Those wit faith could easily be labelled delusional because what we 'believe' is very hard to prove 'real' - in scientific. Who really has the right to say something in not 'real' or not 'truth' ?