Lived Experience Forum

[Balderdash]

First time poster, unsure how this works yet. Left my career 4 months ago to work through some big feelings, but they don't run out... Lots of good days, overall thankful to feel anything at all, but after a panic attack this arvo I sat down to be with my feelings. Chucked on some tunes, held myself and cried, but I've been feeling my feelings for hours, and I'm exhausted. I've decided that's enough for now, time to rest and redirect my focus, but I wanted to go back to work weeks ago and have to wonder if I'll ever run out of Big Feelings, or if I'll be incapacitated for more time than I can afford. How long do you put up with this before intervention? What does intervention even look like? I already have a GP, psychiatrist, SANE guided program, supportive partner, am long-term sober, and practice yoga, meditation and exercise daily.

I know there's no shortcut to wellness, but I'm tired.

[tyme]

Hey @Balderdash ,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

I can certainly hear where you are coming from and I can certainly relate.

I'm sorry to hear you had a panic attack today, and that you have been feelings these big feelings for such a long time. 

Everyone deserves a bit of a break.

I think the greatest thing is not to rush. If recovery takes a bit longer for you, then so be it. I found that the more I tried so hard to recover, the more my recovery was hindered. I sort of had to 'let go' of trying and just give myself a bit of a breather.

However, unlike probably most people, it took me over 15 years to learn this secret. When I eventually told myself to show myself a bit of compassion, then within 3 years, things were better than I could have every imagined.

Give yourself room to heal. 

Allow yourself to heal because you deserve it 🙂

[MermaidHair]

Hello @Balderdash, firstly welcome to the forums, I'm really glad you're here.

It sounds like despite doing everything you can and doing your best, you're still struggling, and I get a sense that you're being a bit hard on yourself for feeling this way because "I have all these supports in place and I am doing everything right, surely things should be getting easier"? And as you mentioned there are lots of good days, and you're thankful, but then there are the times like this, and it feels defeating.

I really feel you, I have been there, I think anybody who has ever been on a mental health journey to wellness or recovery has been there, sometimes we go there. The feelings don't really run out rather, I think they ebb and flow. It helps me to remember that wellness isn't a destination but a journey, and these painful patches and glitches can all be part of it. It sounds to me like you've done so well to help yourself, I'm really proud of you!

Regarding intervention depends, are you safe right now? Sometimes things do need to be changed and tweaked so make sure you're communicating everything you're going through to your doctors and support people.

I hope you feel less tired soon 🙏

[Xibon]

Hi @Balderdash 

Firstly I want to say thank you for reaching out, and that from an outsider's perspective its truly impressive how proactive you are being in your own recovery. With your GP, psych, partner, sobriety, yoga, meditation, and exercise you have a lot of protective factors in place, and I think you should be applauded. 😊

I can't speak for your experience, and wouldn't wish to. But in my own journey, recovery takes a long time and is not a straight line. There have been so times for me where it felt like I was just in a 'waiting' place, where I couldn't understand why negative feelings wouldn't abate, and where I just wished things got better overnight or I would feel nothing at all.

When you say you wanted to go back to work weeks ago, do you think work would help you to feel more grounded if you were able to go back in a reduced, safer capacity/less hours? Sometimes I feel as though just having something to go do makes me feel more... worthy? Which I know sounds silly haha.

I'm not sure what intervention means here, I'm sorry. If you're referring to more aggressive psychiatric treatment options, this may be something to discuss with your psychiatrist. Remember that you have autonomy, and any decision made about treatment options is entirely up to you and your informed consent.

I hope you're being kind to yourself through these times. If you need to talk, please feel free to reach out. We are here for you 💛

Kind regards, Max

[D1ng0]

Hey @Balderdash I'm new to this online community too, and undoubtedly can't offer nearly the level of support that other folks can, but I want to say that you're not alone and I really feel for you. That level of exhaustion can be life-defining when you're in the midst of it. I'm right there as well.

The way I think about it (which might work for you, or might not) is that there will always be ups and downs. My focus is on minimising how intense the lows are over time, so the dips look less spiky and more like a gentle wave. When I try to think about when the struggle will finally end, full-stop, I feel helplessness because it seems so impossible. Aiming for incremental change helps me feel less hopeless. Since I'm suffering from chronic nerve pain every second I'm awake, I had to find a way to be content with the exhaustion, at least for now and the foreseeable future, because it will not go away. It's been possible to accept that exhaustion, but it is hard. It's so bloody hard. I recognise that and I really do empathise with you. It doesn't feel fair at all. But, the way I think about it, I've been here before and have eventually come around to feeling happiness, energy, vigour, etc. I trust that I will again, I just don't put an expectation on myself that I have to feel that way right now. That's such a heavy demand on an already overwhelmed mind/soul.

I don't know if any of that helps, please feel free to take it or leave it. Everyone's so different, so you might not relate to anything I'm saying. I wish you all the best. It sounds like there is a support network for you to access and improve to your benefit, and I'm sure that this community can offer good advice in that arena 😊

PS: I've been sober for a couple of years. You have my respect!

[tyme]

How are you feeling today @Balderdash ?

We are thinking about you.

[Balderdash]

Scuse the dip. Yeah, not great, just broke 17mths sobriety and have discovered hangovers can last 2 days. All of these replies are so thorough and thoughtful, I don't have as much capacity to keep up with the convo today, but I'm still here. Cheers folks, will chime in later. 

[tyme]

Oh, I'm sorry this has happened @Balderdash ,

Please know we are thinking of you and hope you are able to get the help you deserve to stay sober.

From my experience, if you haven't had alcohol in a long time, and then you have it, the hangovers are worse...

Please take care and keep your fluids up.

tyme