Lived Experience Forum

[Jlol]

I've had "depression" since I was about 6. This was the time I started going to school. 

I hated school. I was an outdoorsy kid who grew up in the country. I found sitting at a desk repeating sums and spelling incredibly boring. And I never understood why the teachers would yell at us all the time (early 90s, might be different now). School felt like a punishment (after all one of the actual punishments we got at school was to stay back and do more school work).

I remember really distinctly the day I became depressed. About 6 months into the school year I had gotten into trouble yet again for not coming into class after the school bell rang. I just broke down in tears (I'd never cried before at school) and just kept saying "I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I don't know what I'm doing wrong".

From that day forth I became hypervigilant at school. I went from being an extraverted playful kid, to quiet and shy. I would ask the teachers repeatedly if I was doing something wrong, even if I wasn't. I would cry immediately if a teacher so much as raised their voice at me. I became terrified of getting into trouble again. I would cry at home before going to school - I found the environment so stressful.

My parents caught on that something was wrong and the teachers at the school said I was being bullied (I found this out later), which wasn't true. My parents had me change schools. Then when I still had the same issues the changed schools again. And again.

No matter what it felt like school was a huge punishment - like being in jail, almost. This was compounded by me becoming so shy and timid and quiet.

I remember at about 13 I was walking to school, dreading it of course, when the thought popped into my head "if you were dead you wouldn't have to do this". I was shocked, even concerned I would have these thoughts. But as they days went by the thought would come back whenever I passed the same landmark on my walk to school. And eventually they actually became a source of comfort.

I felt that I had at least some sense of control. Like I could end my life and never go to school again and I had that power, and no one could take it away. The thoughts increased and extended outside of the walk to school, including at my first job.

Fast forward to being an adult and I feel the same about work. Of course its not quite the same as school, but it kind of is. I'm required to be here 8+ hours a day - for-(pretty much)-ever. Then there is commutes and chores either side of that. 0 time for "play". The alternative is I don't work, my bills go unpaid and I live on the street which would be much worse.

I work hard, made a career, but only out of a sense of duty not because I want to. I hate my day-to-day life which is just an endless loop of wake-up, commute, work, commute, chores, sleep.

Just like school, work feels like jail. I feel like a robot just doing what needs to be done. No time to be myself, not time to do hobbies or things I actually like. Sometimes I feel like jail would be easier - at least there's no illusion of choice and less expectations (probably).

So anyway, if I am unable to get the time to do the things I actually want to do in life and am stuck spending the vast majority of my time doing things I actively dislike, am I actually depressed?

[hanami]

Hi @Jlol 

I think it's an interesting question - what is depression and how does it manifest differently in different people. I remember having weird thoughts as a kid. Anxious thoughts of dread. I do say that I've had anxiety ever since I can remember because of this. The thoughts would sometimes stop me doing things because I would be so caught up in fear. I think the same might be said of depression. If your feelings of sadness and despair are impacting your daily life you could have depression. A health professional would be the only one to confirm of course. Are you able to find some time to factor in some activities that bring you joy? Or are you not motivated to do this? I think that might be a good place to start. But if you have no motivation to start doing even that, then a diagnosis by a health professional might be necessary. There are so many supports out there. Depression may come and go but it doesn't have to rule your life. There is always hope. Just my thoughts of course!

Hanami

[Jlol]

Are you able to find some time to factor in some activities that bring you joy? Or are you not motivated to do this?

I am incredibly motivated to do this.

But I can't because of work, commuting and chores. And, also, the energy these things take to do.

That's why I make the comparison to being in jail. I'm sure prisoners are motivated to do a whole heap of things they enjoy. But they can't. Same with me.

[Spring1983]

Hi @Jlol 

Holding down a full time job takes real perseverance if you're experiencing depression, whatever the cause. Give yourself credit for doing that.

I get the prison analogy. It illustrates your point well. However, I wish better things for you. I understand prison food is bad, the beds are hard and there's rather a lot of random chaos!

It sounds to me like you feel very trapped into a routine because of your work. The time you spend at work is for your employer. The remaining hours in the week are yours to manage however you like. If you want time for play you have to make it yourself. Adopting a more flexible approach to your schedule might help with this.

Can you start with small changes to fit some joy into your day to day? Maybe start taking ten minutes just for yourself when you get home each day to do an activity you like or just chill out. What about setting aside time one evening a week, just an hour or two, to dedicate to doing a hobby or other fun activity. I find Wednesday good as it's nice to mark being half way through the week.

Start small to make changes where it suits you and keep plugging at managing your feelings of depression. Your doctor is the best person to tell you whether what you're experiencing is situational or if a diagnosis is in order. They can help you get through either, or both.

It seems that if you are keen to have a better work life balance the obvious choice is to seek a different job closer to home. If that's not your first or most immediate choice then maybe see if you can shift some of your week day chores to the weekend to lessen the demands on you Monday through Friday.

I hope you can find a way to be open to change for the better, even just a bit at a time. Good luck with whatever you choose.

[Spring1983]

Thanks @tyme 

Spring1983

[tyme]

Hey @Jlol ,

For me, depression was like living under a dark, thick cloud 24/7. Everything took energy. I didn't cry. I was sort of numb in life. Nothing was meaningful for me. Laughing was 'fake'. The depression was so oppressive and it felt like it wouldn't lift.

In terms of being 'sad' or just not 'enjoying life', that seems to lift after a good few sleeps, a few PRNs and some 'me' time. It doesn't have the lasting feeling like depression does.

I'm no clinician. I'm speaking purely from experience.

[EmpoweredPath]

Hello @Jlol,

When we're constantly under stress and pressure, we may feel depressed if we're always doing things out of obligation, thinking "you have to" instead of doing things because we genuinely want to do them, thinking "I want to". Neglecting our personal interests and only focusing on our obligations can have negative effects on our mental well-being. It's crucial to make time for the things we enjoy and want to do, as it can help us maintain a healthy balance in life. If we don't prioritize our own needs and desires, we may find ourselves struggling with negative emotions when stress becomes overwhelming.

You might feel like you're constantly being boxed in by people and circumstances, almost like being in prison. This feeling is akin to being trapped and not having the freedom to do what you want. Your search for freedom should lead you to find who you are. It's natural to seek release from anything that feels limiting or restrictive in order to experience true freedom. 

[Jlol]

@EmpoweredPath this is exactly what I think the problem is. Exactly.