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Something’s not right

Lost1
Senior Contributor

What about the aftermath?

Okay so what happens after things calm down? 

Im confused as to what to think or feel when my husband is in his “normal person’ phase?  

Normally he is an awesome man but when he is schizophrenic and or on the bipolar slide he is just so awful. 

He says things that I can’t unhear and makes me feel lower and more desperate than ever.

The ‘normal phase is great but although I try not dwell on the illness and it’s effects I constantly find myself angry or just down right depressed. If he’s mentally ill it isn’t his fault and he doesn’t have control so I feel awful holding everything against him but it’s my experience too and it is damn horrible to go thru or even remember. 

 

So how do I stop the hell times clouding over the good times?

 

And what do I do about my resentment towards him (even though I know deep down it’s not his fault)?

 

 

10 REPLIES 10

Re: What about the aftermath?

The flip side of resentment is guilt. 

If im not angry and resenting him I’m feeling guilty that I resent him for something I know isn’t his fault so to speak. 

It’s like a merry go round lol

Re: What about the aftermath?

@Lost1 Hi Lost1 firstly I would like to say well done for sticking it out. I have schizoaffective disorder and my ex ran a mile (things are better now between us) when I was psychotic and before I was diagnosed. I wish I could give you an answer that would fix everything for you but I can't. Except make sure you have lots of special time for yourself. Make sure you spoil yourself I think that is very important. 

 

Do you have any hobbies that you like doing? Are there any which you would like to take up to give yourself respite?

 

It is hard but speaking for myself I know I would have appreciated my ex being more like yourself but you cannot turn back time it is what it is.  Take good care of yourself. greenpea x

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: What about the aftermath?

@Lost1 

I guess I deal with things knowing that I too have many imperfections. I do not believe that anyone is immune from life's difficulties and that we all have ups and downs in different and often no less difficult ways.

 

I try and remain positive and focus on what we have rather than what has been taken away.

Re: What about the aftermath?

Hi @Lost1  ..... 👋💕

 

My hubby is “switching” too, although we don’t have a diagnosis yet, for many reasons, some of which include -

 

He doesn’t seem to have any awareness that he is unwell.

In saying that he is carefully concealing the most alarming aspects of his eating disordered behaviour.

He is lying outright when I have spoken out about such things, making me appear vindictive / deluded / exaggerating .... especially as the said behaviours are lifting the eyebrows of seasoned counsellors when they have listened to and believed me .... however none of those ones have been in a position to make a difference, only empathise.

He has a lot of innate self-deprecating charm which is both disarming and endearing  in it’s natural state, but under the influence of this illness he can turn it on like a blinding screen.

The flip side is emotionally abusive behaviour ..... sometimes hot, other times very cold and calculated, and passive-aggressive controlling behaviours are very present, which means there is a vindictive cost to manage when I do speak out, which impacts the kids’ mental health.

 

Then he can suddenly be very genuinely considerate and vulnerable, self-sacrificing and cheerful.

 

It is very hard to live with because these aspects are generally extreme, and usually unpredictable, although he does also go on the warpath when he is stewing mad about something, or simply irritated and consoling himself by wounding others.

 

So ..... my suggestion is to develop a shield.  I find I can now raise one when he is being awful, and it is in the form of being quite formally polite.  I try to remain matter-of-fact and ignore the derisive behaviours as much as possible, knowing that his daily regimen takes him off jogging and to the gym across the day, so dealing with these states is in intervals.  I also have my own commitments, as do the kids, so we just tend to stay out of each other’s way when things are intense.

 

When he is being lovely I lower the shield and join in, unless I am nursing a recent emotional wound, because I have learned to “apply my own oxygen mask ahead of helping others” and need time to heal.  I can’t pretend I am okay when I am not .... but I can adopt a service role and just quietly get on with things that need to be done for the house, the kids and myself while I wait for his season to change.

 

And self-care, self-care, self-care ..... learning to be your own best friend and look after you is an important recovery mindset too.  I get my nails done and paint them colours I enjoy seeing so close to me.  I go for massages when I can afford the time and money, because it’s someone caring for me, even though it’s their paid job to do so.

 

Everybody has their faults and inconsistencies, nobody is perfect, but this is in a different category.  This trashes boundaries and is unhealthy.  A diagnosis will make a huge difference for us because it will bring the issues and awareness of the issues to light, but rather than being any sort of magic cure, it will just set us on the difficult path towards recovery .... but it will also bring validation and integrity to a situation that is sadly so lacking in both.

 

The forums are a real source of courage, strength, inspiration, solidarity and understanding.  I don’t know how I would be coping without this support.

Re: What about the aftermath?

Hi @Lost1 

Just checking in to see how you’re going ?

Have you thought any more about what self-care options are available to help counter the effects of your husband’s behaviour ?

Have you been able to work up a bit of a shield of reserve when he is behaving in a way that offends your feelings ?

You matter, and how you feel matters.

There are subtle ways to create boundaries for yourself.  

Relationships Australia may be able to help with this too.  You can call them when you need help to work out what to say and do under such comfusing treatment.  

http://www.relationships.org.au

Thinking of you ....

Re: What about the aftermath?

I am trying, it’s been and is a long haul. We’ve separated bedrooms to give me some ‘special space’ to myself and a bit of refuge.
It’s hard cos on his bad days he resents this action too but on his good days he understands. Sigh

Re: What about the aftermath?

I do my knitting lol and thank you for your perspective- it’s not every day I get to hear from someone on my husbands side and it helps to know that by staying it does make his life better even if sometimes he doesn’t say it.
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: What about the aftermath?

@Lost1 

There is a topic Tuesday happening now on compassion fatigue. Link on carer forum 'home' page. You might find it helpful.

Re: What about the aftermath?

Doing the separate bedrooms thing here too @Lost1 , cos we are both not sleeping much otherwise .... and same, sometimes it’s appreciated, other times resented.

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