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Something’s not right

Tilly20
Casual Contributor

Used to cope

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't doing the greatest before. In fact I spent a lot of time really depressed and anxious before when I was living in my family home. I used to have school to escape to for over 12 hours a day (after school/uni activities) and I could leave the house and do stuff with friends. I moved out with my boyfriend in 2018 and it was like a massive weight disappeared. I could pursue what I was passionate about, work on myself and relax every night at home. But I had to break up with him and move back home. That's where the trouble started.  I couldn't handle the routine and screaming and negativity anymore. My depressive and anxious thought processes started happening again. I went on exchange this semester, not because I wanted to travel, but to get financial support while getting away from it (It's my last semester before my job is meant to start later this year). My brother has autism and is severely intellectually disabled. My mum has anxiety, needs my help, and is also a pressure cooker for negative and threatening comments. Talking to either of them isn't an option - and its difficult to understand why if you aren't from a family like mine - so please don't describe the benefits of doing so. I have to be really careful to control my feelings or outbursts as they can trigger stronger outbursts in my family. I'm not very successful. The environment is no worse or better than before I came back from my ex, or my exchange, but I I haven't been coping at all. The depression and catastrophizing thoughts are back with a vengence, and my anxiety has escalated to anxiety attacks every time a small thing goes wrong with my 'Way Out'. My Way Out is to move to another town for my graduate job in 3 months. I'm asking to bring the start date forward but they are known to reply slowly. This has been years in the making and it has been the one thing i've been holding onto.

Given how much I have receeded, I'm also terrified that I won't be functional anymore when I finally get there. Being social and productive and having a 'normal' and constructive setting to do it in has been such an anchor throughout my life. The idea of taking that away from myself makes me feel so defeated.

I know that it's not long now, but the aimlessness (and also strict routine) of my life at the moment is just giving my brain space for the destructive thought patterns. I haven't had here at home where I haven't cried and freaked out about situations that aren't real.

8 REPLIES 8

Re: Used to cope

@Tilly20  Hi Tilly20 I have a son with a primary diagnosis of autism and when he was at his worst before his schizophrenia was diagnosed when he was 16 it was a nightmare in the house so I do understand I really do. I also developed schizoaffective disorder due to the stress and my eldest moved away to europe to get away from it all it was a nightmare to say the least. It sounds like your mum needs alot of help which you are unequipped to give her at this time .... is there another adult that could do that for her? You have to lead your own life sweetheart you really do otherwise it will swamp you and suffocate you as it is all so depressing (as I say I really do appreciate where you are coming from).

 

Would your mum see a professional for help? She sounds like she needs help from either a psychiatrist or a psychologist to deal with the stresses of living with your brother. Again is there a a family member who could help you organize your mother into some help?

 

I will be online throughout the day if you want to talk. Just put a @ infront of my name and I will receive a notification of your post. Take care of yourself and know that you are doing nothing wrong in wanting to live your life. Love greenpea

Re: Used to cope

@Tilly20 

Hello.

Smiley Happy

School, learning and uni have been life savers for me too.  Being a sister with needy sibs is hard.  All I can say is find a place in your heart to keep precious your memories of YOU coping and you will be able to find that person again.  Sometimes the winds roar for a long time til we find our feet.

Take Care

Apple

Re: Used to cope

Thanks @Appleblossom,

 

Coping isn't something I do at home. And outside is like living a 2nd life. I don't understand what memories of coping are. what do you mean?

 

Tilly

Re: Used to cope

@greenpea 

 

Thank you for reminding me of that, it's really kind of you to say that from your perspective. Sometimes it's hard to think about that because of all the guilt from leaving and growing up as a 3rd parent. We kind of had family cut off from us or others live too far away. I wish she'd get more support, but I don't think she feels like anything is wrong - like psychologist and psychiatrists are for her son, not her. Her and I also have a pretty bad relationship. My older sister did the same thing years ago so my 50% stake in being the extra parent became a 100% stake and I'm done with it. I've checked out. I just want to get away. 

If you don't mind me asking, what changed when your eldest went far away?

 

Tilly

 

Re: Used to cope

@Tilly20  Hey Tilly20 it is funny that we are talking about my eldest son because he is doing so well now that I barely mention him on the forums. He has a girlfriend now of 8 years, a house and a good job with heathcare benefits. He tries to visit once a year and we speak everyday on whatsapp. So we as a family are still very connected. He has been making noises about coming home again and I have just come out and said that he would be crazy coming back that his life in Germany is wonderful.  I think he has forgotten how hard living with and around his brother is.  You go live your life sweety. Just because you will move out etc doesnt mean that you will never see your family again or be there for them. It just means that you have breathing space to reach for your dreams.

 

As for your mum sometimes people have to crash to reach the point where they realise they need help. You are a good daughter but you cannot do it all yourself anymore otherwise you will get sick as well. Take good care of yourself and keep in touch. I am always here if you need to talk. Love greenpeax

Re: Used to cope

Hi @Tilly20 sending you hugs 💕

Are you able to break up your routine? For instance could you stay at a friend's for a couple of nights each week?

Or is the town you're moving to within commutable distance so you can do a weekly day trip and start the moving in feeling by finding your new fave coffee shop, park garden or yoga classes or workshops etc?

Re: Used to cope

@Tilly20 

I reread your first post. 

You have already achieved a lot and been very smart about working through social and emotional situations and finding solutions.

My daughter did an exchange for similar reasons.

Congrats on getting near your career goals and have some proactive plans in place.

You also have cared a lot about your family of origin.  It is not your responsibility. 

 

I was intimately involved with struggling younger sibs and it was hard.  I tried to get my mother to get the benefits of therapy, I did not judge or argue, but she was stubborn and would not, sadly that did not work well for any of us, but it is wot it is.  Its history now.

 

Different generations have different attitudes.  Can lead a horse to water but cant make it drink kinda thing.

 

Your responsibility at this stage is to "launch" and you have created your own opportun ities.  WOW! That spells out a lot of RESILIENCE.  You might see it as a separate life, and in some ways it is.  I never really had a home I could relax in, for tons of reasons, and am working on that now in my personal situation.  Eventually, tho, there is a lot of COPING in your personality, which you can gradually merge with the whole of you.

 

I love what @OnlyLove and @greenpea  suggested.  This is YOUR time.

 

The whole love life thing ... is often a roller coaster ... nature of the beast ...

 

stay on your own path and feel at home in your own space whether it is a tiny bedsit or share house ..  whatever. 

 

These are difficult times.  The news media is constantly catastrophising.  I heard on ABC radio show today a US journo describe the US situation as much calmer than it appears in our news.  How can we know, but panic can be catchy too.

 

Post here and let us know how you go.  The forum has developed into a real community, and is always open to new people, or for intermittent posters.  DO what you have to do.

Smiley Happy

 

 

 

 

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Re: Used to cope

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