Things are not okay.

[Velociraptor]

Yeah, I think he is a good fit. I’ve been seeing him for 3 years now, but I think I’m finally starting to trust him a bit. It scares me it’s taken so long, but it gives me a bit of hope too.
Yep, uni is in full swing, not going too bad, really enjoying one of my subjects this semester. And I went to uni for a residential school which was a big deal for me and I didn’t find it too traumatic or panic inducing. A bit, but not a lot. Which is a bit of a big deal for me.
At the moment I’m really stressing about my psychiatrist. She wants me to do a group program and meet new people and make new friends. (I broke off from my main friendship group late last year) But I don’t think I want to do it. Hospital was horribly traumatic and I never ever want to set foot in another hospital again, and I’m not sure I am ready or want or can make friends. I’m really very happy being predominantly asocial. I’ve given up on it really. It’s not something I see as a realistic part of my life, the same with a relationship and having a family. I’ve realized it’s not a realistic possibility, so why waste my time stressing about it?
Going to study a paleontology unit next year! Can’t wait.

[Velociraptor]

Thanks @Teej, yeah, most of the time I can put them in a box, put a lid on it and file it away in the back of my brain. Just sometimes, something pulls the lid off and I’m done. I hope we both find a future soon.

[Velociraptor]

Hello lovely @CheerBear!
Yes, you know me. Who could forget the forum’s favouritest dinosaur?
How have you been? Is the nest still snugly and warm? Does it need a Dino plushie or two?

[Velociraptor]

Lovely to see you @Faith-and-Hope, sad to hear things have been tough. Walks and art def make life a little more bearable. Walking in the bush makes this dinosaur a bit more grounded.

[Velociraptor]

Thank you @Shaz51, how have things been in bird land?

[CheerBear]

So good to see you again @Velociraptor 🙂 Paleontology sounds so fun (except that I can't even spell it!) and definitely something to look forward to.

I've been pretty okay overall thanks. Things still get hard but I'm feeling more able to cope with that than I did a while ago I think. I nest all over the place now instead of in just one big nest, but I still find nesting snuggly and warm. Always need dino plushies though 🙂🦖🦕

Any knitting happening for you recently?

[Teej]

Hey @Velociraptor . It was pretty awesome to read that you and psychologist are working it out. I think it does take time. 

Woohoo 🙌 on the study achievements and the residential school part. That is so great to read. It’s a bit of a milestone too. A bit dinoriffic on studying a palaeontology unit next year. 

From my perspective you need to be ready to start friendships and in a headspace where you want them. My outlook on them is that when I’m ready I’ll reach out and find some, some might be old friendships and some might be new. I have made a new friend this year irl and I’m learning lots about myself. I don’t think my head and my heart are at the point to create new relationships without some kind of blow up for me yet. 

I think if your ok on your own it’s a good chance to get your stimulation and connections at uni......But if your psych has some groups to try if you have the right headspace maybe it’s something to try. From a few groups I’ve been in lately (at respite and my mh community groups) those who are in a hearing voices group get loads out of it and really just enjoy that hour a week and become friends there. Many don’t meet outside that but really value that time (and most that I’ve spoken to prioritise it) I’m not sure if this is the kind of thing you mean. It doesn’t mean instant friends but rather a different kind of support. 

Im not around the forum as much these days and have lots on my plate. For the first time in a long time I’m not sure what the future holds but I’m just going with it for now. I reckon we could be our own worst enemies for trying to have future goals and plans in our minds....like by the time I reach 30......by the time I reach 40.......by the time I reach 50 I will have done xyz. Right now I’ve given up with by the time I reach 60 :face_with_rolling_eyes:😳. Mine is by the end of the week I hope I’ve done 3 things I wanted to. 

Lastly just a little note for the back of your head. Families come at all different shapes and sizes and ways. We can only hope that at th3 right time for you you’ll find your family. I have been thinking on and off about fostering a child but know it’s not realistic until I’m stable with feet planted firmly on the ground. 

Sending best wishes 💜🤗

[Velociraptor]

Just a whinge:

(same whinge as usual as a matter of fact!) 

I feel like worthless scum, permanently broken and failing at everything. Like, what is the point of therapy and medications and careers and relationships if I am worthless scum and will always be worthless scum. I'm broken and bad and abhorrent. The very essence of me is baseless, broken, scum. There is nothing in this world that I could say or do to make me be not scum. There is nothing worthwhile or of value about any aspect of me. Everything about me is bad and broken. I should have never been born- literally, no one knows how I survived. And I wish I hadn't. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Velociraptor 
Those are some painful feelings that you are experiencing there tonight and I'm concerned that you say you wish you'd never been born. I don't think that we have met on the forums before but I am going to send you an email in moment to check that you are safe. I wonder if you can do something there tonight to soothe yourself and distract you from those thoughts?

[Velociraptor]

Hi @Former-Member,

I've been on hiatus for a while. 
I'm in bed with my teddy and my cat, who is perched on my legs having a bath...... wait, no, just gone to the kitchen for a snack.  
I'm not going to hurt myself tonight. 
Distracting is nice, but it doesn't change anything. The thoughts are still there and get louder the more I ignore them. I need time to slow, engage with my thoughts and feelings and feel and think and not be constantly running away. Running gets very tiring if you do it 24/7. And if I don't actually link in with my body and my thoughts it gets much worse and I'm basically dissociated 100% of the time.  
I use the forums to express what I'm thinking and feeling, and as you can see, there are some very helpful and supportive forumites who read and write back. And most importantly, don't send me cut and paste emails legally washing your hands of any potential problems that may occur. I appreciate the concern, but don't send me cut and paste emails, I know the mh system well, possibly better than you, and by being a cut and paste, it doesn't actually show you care, it emphasizes the impersonal and perceived uncaring nature of the moderators. I'm sure you guys are great, but being told -call lifeline, or go to hospital isn't helpful and makes me feel unwelcome on the forums and like I should not share my thoughts and feelings with anyone. And, it's why I left the forums last time. Please do not send me cut and paste emails.