Struggling with being stonewalled

[fruitisgood]

My partner and I had a massive fight over the weekend. one if the worst we've ever had. We're now onto day 4 and I have heard nothing from him and it's all leaving me feeling sick with anxiety and uncertainty. 

The fight was related to my triggers and me needing to slow down. I fought back and told him (in the heat of it all) that I need him to help support  me in what I find difficult too since he asks that of me in things he finds difficult.

I feel like I'm about to be dumped. I have no idea what's going on. what he's thinking or feeling. I called once just to offer some love and words of care and that I hope we can figure it out. He texted me after to say he was annoyed I called and that's the last I've heard. 

I've called support phonelines. They've all advised I just leave him be and focus on myself, which I'm trying to do but it's very very hard. 

He's never been silent like this with me for this long.  

I've been reassessing the relationship and if I even want to continue. I feel like I've worked so hard and tried so many things, and have been the only one seeking external resources. 

Not knowing where we stand has left me in a spin. 

This really really sucks. 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @fruitisgood 

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this and stuck in this uncertainty. It sounds like this is giving you both time to think and I hear that you're starting to take a step back and consider if this relationship is an equal one in regards to the effort being put in. 

This does suck, it's a hard place to be in, but I think it is a good time to think about and reassess the relationship as you're doing. Be extra gentle with yourself too and keep on reaching out as you need 

[fruitisgood]

@Ru-bee  Thankyou for the kind words of support. 

Alot of questions have been spinning up lately. questions of whether I could have done better, am I being unreasonable in what I need etc. 

I say I feel like I'm doing all the work. He doesn't agree. I also read that anxiously attached people (which I think is me) often do feel like they're doing all the work because they're the ones likely to chase and seek reconciliation. The fact I'm choosing not to do what I've done in the past is foreign to me. 

Comfort show has been going nearly non stop since this all went down. 

[StrangeEngine]

On the surface, keeping silent for so long seems like a rather "childish" response.

It could be a deep emotional response though - as in, not knowing a way out or what to say.

If it's his standard "go-to" response to things, it's lacking the aspect of being a team player in the relationship. Also, he is ignoring your pain and obvious distress.

It could indicate a lack of love, or too much of it. People are complex beings, and we are all messed up in our own ways.

I think the one obvious thing that really stands out is that he needs to learn better coping strategies than shutting the other person out, which is very hurtful and thoughtless.

It's like anything in life - a relationship, a job, whatever - either it's a supportive arrangement that at least enhances your life in some ways - or it's something that is ultimately dragging you down and leaving you gasping for air. But whatever happens, we've got to keep trying. At some point, we must have our needs met.

From what you've said, I can't see that you're asking for anything unreasonable.

[Jynx]

Hey @StrangeEngine just a lil tip, if you want other members to be notified that you've responded, you can tag them - use the @ symbol and a drop down will appear, and you can choose their name. If their name isn't there, you can type it out and it should then appear for you to select, then it will show up in blue, like this: @fruitisgood 

[fruitisgood]

@StrangeEngine  

Thankyou for this very insightful response, and it gave me something to reflect on, combined with what others have suggested whom I reached out too. 

The time apart, while it had been hard and hurtful at times, has also allowed me space to reflect and think and focus on trying not to fixate on what the rest of the world is doing. 

The anology you used of gasping for air spoke to me. That's just it isn't it, how do we decide when to call it? I feel great difficulties in discerning where that line is, as it becomes clouded in fears, assumptions, and lack of trust in myself and my image of self.