Psychologist support

[Depleted2]

Hello,

This is my first time here. My husband received a diagnosis of major depressive disorder (MDD) and then ADHD mid-late 2023.On reflection we believe he has been depressed for a number of years. 

Life is very difficult and has been for a long time. My husband is self employed with his business often not making enough money to support us with him having week long periods of him leaving the house but not doing paid work. The only person he speaks with other than me is his brother who works for him, and he is only aware of my husbands health due to me reaching out to him last year when my husband was having suicidal thoughts but refusing to talk to me. He works out of a shed at his parents so sees them almost daily but does not feel safe to speak with them about his health. 

We are currently in a cycle of something upsetting my husband (very unpredictable, but to be fair I have very little patience currently) and he will stonewall me for sometimes weeks on end. My psychologist has said we are living as a separated couple in the same house currently because he wont sleep in our bed. So many of our experiences as a family are clouded by my husbands mood, and my children are missing out on so much life. I love my husband so much but will not stay if things do not improve because there is a lot of emotional abuse that I am subjected to that my psych has helped me to see (stonewalling, gaslighting). 

I have said that he either lets me in and starts getting help or we separate. He sent an email to a psychologist he had seen previously outlining a whole lot of issues in our relationship and my inability to 'generously nurse' him through the challenges he is having. I sent a follow up email to his psych acknowledging challenges in our relationship, but outlining my concerns as he was not sleeping, eating properly, ? working. She saw him 2 business days later but the feedback my husband provided was that the psych said:

1. It was good I was getting mental health support (I agree)

2. We should engage a couples counsellor (I agree and had already suggested same)

3. They would book a review appt for in three weeks and if we managed to get into the couples counsellor before then he can cancel the appt with her 

I then attended the next appointment (3 weeks later) and questioned whether she is encouraging my husband to engage, and expressed that I didn't think this was only a relationship issue as my husband is hearing criticism that is not logical? She reported the following:

-you can only work at the rate of the patient (I agree, but think this person should be supported and encouraged to engage, removing barriers to engagement, educated re: the benefits of psychotherapy etc.)

-She felt that my husbands actions/thoughts are logical and that the issue she sees here is that I have lost the ability to listen to him and he has lost the ability to listen to me

-again reiterated that it is very important for me to have psych support and for us to do couples counselling and that she is happy to continue to see my husband but acknowledges that paying for three different supports is challenging so may not be possible. 

After a couple of days of trying and not being able to follow through my husband consented to me booking a GP appointment for a MHCP and to me attending this appointment with him. The GP was empathetic, emotionally intelligent, engaged my husband beautifully and completed the K10 which clearly showed depression. He has recommended a rapid wean of his current medication and to commence a new medication so we are expecting for things to get worse before they get better. 

Although engaging the psych 4.5 weeks ago he has had two appointments where the main focus is our relationship, although in only 3 weeks he will have seen his GP three times with the focus on getting him better. 

My question is around the psych support he is getting. I want to make sure I am seeing this clearly and that it's not my feelings of hurt of her saying the current situation is that I'm not listening to my husband. I am so relieved that he is speaking with someone and he feels safe with her so I don't want to risk this. However my understanding is that he is going to be living with his condition for the rest of his life and I want him to have the best team around him to get the best outcomes, especially when he finds it so difficult to engage and I really question whether this current psych is seeing the situation clearly?

Thank you in advance for your advice. 

P.S. Sorry for so many words!! I was trying to add context but still feel there is so much missing!

[Ainjoule]

Hey @Depleted2 

Welcome to the forums. You sound very insightful and able to outline your thoughts very clearly. This will serve you well. It's kinda natural, from my own experience, for the psychologist of someone to to see things from their perspective, and to some degree advocate on their behalf. It's also good as you say that he has found someone that he can trust and he talks to. There are plenty of people who don't find a psychologist that they can talk to. Is this a life long condition...ADHD is a lifelong condition, but major depression is not necessarily lifelong. It sounds as though there are perhaps reasons why the depression is particularly persistent at the moment. Getting the GP on board sounds like it has been important. I know that I go to my GP for mental health support frequently and she is great, very practical. 

[Depleted2]

Thank you for your prompt reply Ainjoule (cool name 😇). 
I appreciate your insight. 

The first challenge with his health was when he developed anxiety on 2016 where he could not get to work/was having panic attacks- he took medication short term then and saw a psych very briefly. And then his depression has been present for approx 5 years I reckon (or maybe longer?), but he became very low and suicidal last year. I’ve only just now made the connection that both of these episodes were post the death of someone he loved (his Pa and my Dad). 

I will continue to be grateful that he has someone he feels that he can talk to and hope that he gets the support he needs from her. I think because I’ve been trying for so long to get him to access supports, and psychotherapy is such a big part of his recovery- and this is the final attempt before we separate I’m feeling like the stakes are high.

Thanks again for your response. 

[Ainjoule]

Hey @Depleted2 

I probably also should of said that it may be important to set some boundaries since he is engaging in emotionally abusive behaviour. You can't be expected to 'generously nurse' him through these illnesses, especially if you are unable to care for yourself in a holistic way. 

[Depleted2]

Thanks so much Ainjoule,

I suspect this is one factor in why things have become so much worse lately, because I am holding firm on my boundaries which is really difficult for him. 

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Depleted2 

It sounds like you have carried a lot of the emotional burden in some ways. Although there is now relief that supports are in place, it can be a bit of a bumpy ride learning to put the new boundaries in place for both parties, as clearly the old dynamic wasn't in balance. 

I know you said that there is a lot riding on this, ie the relationship, the recovery, the self-identity with the diagnoses, etc. It might feel counteractive after being in a sort of care-taking, fight or flight mode for a time to now try to take the foot off the pedal for yourself and park some things while they attempt to heal, and see what takes shape? You may need to heal too, from the emotional push pull you've been through. It can be so hurtful to care-take for someone and be stonewalled, gaslit, etc. I really feel for you. Having those boundaries in place is good, but also difficult as they're re-established. I'm just wondering what can you do for you? To fill your own cup?

[Depleted2]

Thank you 8pple tree.

I am investing a lot in my own well-being with things that work for my mental health (exercise is 🙌🏻, I’m seeing a psych, I have other good supports) and think I’m hearing that you’re saying it might be best not to rush into any decisions while my husband is still not well? I think this is really good advice. I just have to figure out how much more I have in the tank because we’re stuck in a bit of a cycle of the same things happening over and over for years. I’m really hoping it’ll be different this time round though. 

Thank you again for your response- I really appreciate you taking the time.