Lived Experience Forum

[BANJO24]

Hi I'm new to this have a history of Depression and anxiety and have recently been diagnosed with BPD but mainly struggle with the extreme urge to end my life and have acted on it previously.  I just can't cope with the changes of medication and treatments and still nothing is working feel like it would just be easier if i got locked up. Has anyone found something that has worked to stop there suicidal urges. 

Thanks in advance

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @BANJO24 , it's good to have you here. 

I'm sorry to hear you're not OK and have constant SI (suicidal ideation)😢

I'm going to tag @tyme  and @BPDSurvivor  who live successfully with BPD and have great insights. 

A handy forum tip is if you tag someone by typing @ and then clicking on their name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

I hope you find the forums supportive...

[amber22]

Hey there and welcome to the forums @BANJO24 

I'm so glad that you've reached out about this. 

My name is Amber22 and I am a Peer Support Worker here at SANE so if you had any questions or just wanted to chat then I'm here for you. 

I've experienced a lot of anxiety and a period of depression and I find the things that help me the most include: 

- Doing what I can in the moment (which sometimes includes forcing myself to have a shower even when I don't feel like it, eat something, go for a walk) because I know it will help me feel better

- Not beating myself up when some days I am unable to do the things I have to or have a harder day where I need to take things slower

- Speaking to my psychologist or informal supports (like a trusted friend)

- Reading 

- Journalling

- Finding what works for you 

I hope this helps a little bit with the anxiety side of things, I am here if you wanted to chat further about anything at all

[tyme]

Hey @BANJO24 ,

Welcome to the forums! I don't know if i'll be the bearer of bad news or not.

I have BPD and as much as I have 'recovered' I have the urges everyday. I don't think there's a day I don't have these thoughts. I used to get upset and angry that I was having these urges, especially since I have such a great life!

I did a lot of work with my psychologist and ultimately, it came down to having these thoughts can be part of having BPD. Rather than hate these thoughts and trying to push them away, I've learnt to accept them.

When I used to try so hard to push them away, I felt so bad that I ended up acting on them. Now that I've accepted them, I've learnt to live with them which means they are there but I don't act on them. 

I'm not sure if you can relate to what I'm saying. 

Having BPD has been very hard, yet please know it is very treatable. I honestly live such a great life. It's not without challenges, but my ability to manage these thoughts is...wow...I don't know how else to explain.

What helped me most was mentalisation-based therapy, MBT. I engaged in it for over 18 months - both group and individual EVERY WEEK. It was so so hard, but reflecting on it, that's why I'm here and alive today.

I never thought I'd see my 26th bday. Yet years on, I'm still here.

There's nothing special about me. So if it's worked for me, I have faith that things will get better for you.

Do you have supports in place to help you with these thoughts?

[BANJO24]

@tyme 

Hi

I have never heard of that therapy option so it may definitively be worth discussing it with my psychologist. I have just completed 20 week dbt group course and have been doing individual sessions which haven't helped at all as I don't have the typical emotion disregulation I don't really experience emotional at all even before medication. 

In regards to SI I defs have accepted it and that atleast stopped the harming myself so maybe I'm in the way for it stopping the pressure to fully commit.

I do have heaps of supports just I guess tired of them not helping me the way I guess I feel I need.

Thankyou so much for the response BTW.

[BANJO24]

@amber22 

Thankyou for the thoughts and for replying 

For my anxiety I have defs tried some of those things not beating myself up was a massive one and worked amazing for me. 

Trying to do more in the moment things in my life atm 

Again thankyou for the reply 

[tyme]

Hey @BANJO24 ,

What I found most helpful was actually the group therapy element of treatment. 

DBT skills are good to learn, however, DBT in it's entirety requires both individual and group therapy. Otherwise it's not the 'real' DBT, but DBT skills instead.

MBT is very new in Australia. I had the privilege of doing it, and the results were incredible. I am so much better at managing my emotions. Even now, I'm always in awe about how well I am compared to how unwell I was before.

There IS hope @BANJO24 . BPD is a such a slow moving condition. It's slow to manifest and slow to recover from. 

[tyme]

Feel free to join us at Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script 

@BANJO24 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @BANJO24 , how are you?

i just read your post. I’m sorry that you are struggling.

i have chronic urges to end my life, but i don’t have intent. It’s part of my BPD and after a long time, one learnt to accept that.

 However, please reach out if you feel these urges are too strong and you can’t keep safe.

 I’m in a really really super place with my BPD now. I can function very well. But it want always like that. I used to struggle a lot.