I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I just had a new Lego arrive. It looks pretty cool but instead of doing it I’m just lying in my bed. What a failure. I’m incapable of helping myself. I hate me. I hate what I’ve become. I hate what I’m doing. I hate that I’m here. I hate that I’m not getting any better. 

[creative_writer]

@Captain24 sometimes we get caught up in feeling as though we are meant to do more, and if we are not progressing it means there is something wrong with us. Progress comes slow and I know you’re doing the best you can 💖🫂, progress just takes time, give yourself some time hun, you’re taking the steps you need to

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24 sorry to hear you having a lot negative thoughts at the moment.

sometimes we're extra tired and lying in bed is just what we need to recharge, maybe you'll get a bit more energy later tonight to get that lego started, or maybe tomorrow- either way, taking some time off doesn't make us bad people. would love to see which lego set arrived, whenever you feel up to it of course, there's no rush! just take it one step at a time 😊

[0ddsidian]

@Captain24 Ooohh, tell me about this Lego! What set is it?

Sometimes it's really hard to have motivation to do anything, which I 110% understand. I struggle with internal motivation (aka doing things just because I want to do it). I often need an external motivator, like another person. Like, you best believe that the only reason I'm cleaning my bathroom this week is because I'm having a visitor on the weekend.

@creative_writer You are so right. Progress is often slow. It's even harder to recognise progress in ourselves, because we're WITH ourselves all the time.

[creative_writer]

@0ddsidian 100%, progress isn’t linear either, so at times it can feel like one is going backwards

[0ddsidian]

@creative_writer Absolutely 🙂

Progress can be messy and definitely isn't a straight line @Captain24 

[Captain24]

This is it @0ddsidian @rav3n 

Ive just had dinner and now im back in my room. I did sit at a little table in my own but 2 others joined me. It was probably better for me.

Recovery is definitely not linear. I feel like I take one step forward and 5 steps back. I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere in here. 

I thought I’d see my Pdoc tonight but apparently it’s tomorrow now. 

How do I see the light? How do I find it? I just wish I didn’t exist. 

Im so sorry to be negative I just can’t see a way forward. 

[rav3n]

oh wow that lego set looks great, would love to see the progress whenever you decide to start working on it 😊

@Captain24 totally valid that you're feeling this way, the ups and downs of recovery can be a mixed bag of emotions and unique to everyone. i know you're finding it hard to find the light, and that's okay too. you don't need to find it tonight, you just need to know that the light exists and its out there whenever you're ready and recharged. 

[Captain24]

It’s so windy. I wish it would blow me away. I’ve likened it to my brain. All swirling and messy. There are leaves blowing everywhere. My thoughts are fragments being thrown around. 

[Jynx]

That's such a pleasant thought to me @Captain24... like dancing leaves, allowed to just billow about as they so desire... tho, maybe it doesn't feel that way for you, sounds like it's feeling very chaotic! Anything you wanna get off your chest?