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Something’s not right

rosemary1
Casual Contributor

Feeling desperate, bewildered and a host of other feelings.

I have only just signed up to use the Sane forums. 

Where to start. I have been trying to cope and support my 31 year old daughter who has mental health issues for years, since her mid adolescence when she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Nurmerous pysychatirsts and diagnosis later I am at my wits end. Recently she was diagnosed with depression and generalised anxiety disorder by her new psychatirst. I also organised for her to see a psycholgist so that she had someone other than myself to talk to. She is currently living with me having moved home 6 months ago after a relationship breakdown. At times I feel great anger towards her as I feel she can be extremely manipulative and unpredictable. I feel emotionally and physically drained. It's 9.15 in the morning, she is still in bed and I have been up for a number of hours looking after an assortment of animals that she(and I) has taken into our home over the years. Three more that she brought into the home when she returned to live with me.I have had to pay off a number of her debts over the last few years. My financialy situation has become even more stressfull since she came home to live. She is not able to contribute financially as she has a car repayment and a centrelink debt.

I am 67 years of age and feel that I have no future. My life is governed by her moods, her decision making, whether she chooses to give me support around the house etc etc.

My dilemma how long do I provide her with a roof over her head, support her financially and emotionally and encourage her in every way I know when I see very little evidence that she is willing to make changes, be minimally cooperative or supportive of me.

If my financial postion was healthier I would tell her to leave without any qualms as I could subsidise her living cost and assist with paying off her debts but to do so at this stage of my life would quite possibly leave me in a risky financial postion. I have already drawn on savings and my supperannuation to pay off her debts in recent years.

I would be interested to hear from others who have had to make the difficult decision to ask a young person to leave the home (or have had to seek help to have them removed from the home). I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I want to suport her but feel that if I continue to do so (when I see so little evidence of a willingness to change on her part) that I will compromise my own mental and pysical health. 

14 REPLIES 14

Re: Feeling desperate, bewildered and a host of other feelings.

Hi 

I'm 58 years of age and my daughter is 35 and my experience is almost identical to yours.  My daughter whom I love dearly has Bi polar, OCD and substance misuse issues.  Her behaviour has been challenging since early adolescence and I have bailed her out of debt numerous times.  She has lived with me between broken relationships and when she has been acutely unwell.  She has spent months in bed at my home, she has gone to China on a business venture when manic.  She does virtually nothing to help around the house when she is here.  I gave up 'sweating the small stuff' years ago as the fight to stop her killing herself has been all consuming. 

In some ways my daughter has made huge steps fowards.  She has accepted she has an alcohol problem and has not had any alcohol for several months however, similar to yours, my daughter shows little sign of changing her behaviour.  During depressed times she berates me and is emotionally abusive.  I have attemtped to address this with her and in moments of clarity she accpets she has an anger problem but she never does anything about it. 

I am currenlty looking after her dog and cat and wondering how I can find the courage to say "No" next time she asks for money and distance myself, knowing that this may be the trigger that finally leads to that 'successful' suicide attempt.  She told me a few days ago she has researched and now knows how to end her life painlessly..............a couple of days previously she had been bright and chirpy and I had a glimmer of hope.  The emotional roller coaster is exhausting.  

On the posistive I have a son who is extremely wise and supportive and will doing anything for his sister and me.  He also knows it is making me ill and he is supporting me to be firmer with my boundaries.  I am beginning to feel stronger.  I will call her mental health key worker tomorrow and tell them about her suicide planning and that she no longer has family to support her as she has alienated herself and her family can no longer do this in a safe way.  I will let them know i am always here for my daughter but I cannot tolearate the emotional abuse any longer.  I will contact the local agency that supports carers and look after me better.  thanks for sharing, in a funny way it helps to know I'm not the only one going through this.

Re: Feeling desperate, bewildered and a host of other feelings.

Hi Lexie,

I wonder how many of us are going through this.

I really appreciated your response to my post knowing others are having similar issues helps but I wish nobody had to deal with what we are trying to deal with.

I think I have felt more vunerable the last week or so. Developed a toothache, had an extraction and have now developed a dry socket. In pain and tired with little suport or sympathy (I don't need much of either to keep me happy). Currently looking after 23 cats and 4 dogs many of whom were rescued by my daughter over a ten year period (now permanennt residents and loved by me). Obviously a costly exercise but dealing with them is a breeze in comparison to the other parts of my life.

I don't feel I have ever felt so lonely or unsupported. I believe I am a strong person and pretty resilient but after years of the same I am becomming less resilient and my level of patience is low.

I want my life back. I am not a jealous person but at times I envy my friends whose children have flown the nest and are fully independent emotionally and financially. I am more than willing to support my daughter in many different ways but not when I feel that I am a hostage in my own home and like you wonder if something I do or say will trigger days in bed , verabal abuse or her being unwilling to talk and work through issues.

I really feel for you if you are dealing with talk of suicide. I'm glad that your son is supportive. I have a number of supportive friends but there is little they can do and to be honest that don't understand the issues or what it is like to live with an adult child who has mental health issues. Our children will never be out of mind but the times my daughter has lived out of home have in some ways been better as I have felt more in control of my life even though I worry and know that she is not always doing well or making good decisions. Some days my daughter is full of plans and ideas about how she can change her life. Sadly these plans rarely come to fruition. 

My very best to you. I hope you can get the support you need from your daughter's worker tomorrow. Perhaps we will communicate again.

Re: Feeling desperate, bewildered and a host of other feelings.

@Lexie 

We are living and caring for patients who have potentially terminal conditions if untreated and sadly at times even if they are. We do not blame ourselves if a loved one passes from heart disease etc but we somehow think it is different with mental health conditions. Please, please do not place the burden of prospective blame on yourself.  

 

Learning what is supportive vs what is enabling,  learning how to set loving boundaries, such as not bailing out debt etc is essential for our own wellbeing and there are support services that can help. 

 

@Former-Member is one forum member who may be able to help you and @rosemary1.

 

I am happy to send links for carer support services if you let me know what state you are in, just tag me using an @ in front of my name (as I have done with you).

Re: Feeling desperate, bewildered and a host of other feelings.

thanks for the support, it's much appreciated. I will have a look at Enigma. I am contacting local supports on Monday.

Lexie

Re: Feeling desperate, bewildered and a host of other feelings.

Hope you get the support you are needing tomorrow. All the best.

Re: Feeling desperate, bewildered and a host of other feelings.

Thanks @Former-Member for the tag. 

 

Hi @Lexie and @rosemary1  I have been through what you are both going through and to some extent still do. Just want you to know how much I feel for you both and how well I relate to how hard and draining both mentally, emotionally and physically this situation is. 

 

The situation with my daughter has been happening since she was 15. She is now 22. She rebelled at 16 because she did not like our rules (no drinking etc underage), and ran away from home. In that time she was taken advantage of, sexually abused and introduced to drugs. There was nothing we could do as legally we had no control over what she did. It was an incredibly painful time for my husband and self. We devoted our whole life to her, she wanted for nothing and was very much loved. We brought her up with values but she threw that to the curb. My grief was overwhelming. That was just the start of it.

 

She ended asking to come back home and we agreed. Shortly after she became abusive, refused to help around the house or respect our boundaries and rules. This went on for awhile. Long story short - she continued to smoke cannabis and became very aggressive, attacking my husband (when in a rage her strength was incredible). I intervened and she head butted me. I told her then and there to get out of the house and not return. But I was shattered still.

 

She stayed with friends and tried to come back but I refused to let her return. She ended up in a refuge and she did attend headspace for a few sessions. It did not help but she is unwilling to give counselling a try then and still.  She did obtain short term public housing under a co-op, but they would not give her permanent housing and she ended back with us again as I did not want her homeless. 

 

She attempted suicide a few times in that time she was with us, and many times we have had to ring the ambulance and police attend. She gained very little help from the mental health teams and no follow up. She has been diagnosed with PTSD, bi polar but the most recent diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder which is very accurate in my opinion. She is very deceptive and lies like there is no tomorrow.

 

We gave her no money as advised and she did work and earned her own with casual employment. She would when home lye in her bed most of the time and when she did talk to us she would abuse and disrespect us. She continued to do nothing around the house expecting me to wash, clean for her etc. We were coming to our wits end as this abuse was taking its toll.  She would also manipulate and use us taking advantage of our good nature. My husband also is ill with prostate cancer and his health was declining. It was a living nightmare. The stress incredible. 

 

This is child who won academic and community awards. She was highly respected and was very respectful. We raised her to respect herself and others. One day, she just rebeled and snapped. 

 

She would enter, and still does, into abusive relationships with very dangerous psychopaths; one a couple of years ago that drove her over the edge and she had a near fatal suicide attempt. Myself and husband found her. I am still getting over it. The doctors stated it was a miracle she is alive.

 

She was scheduled and again diagnosed with BPD. The pattern kept repeating itself. She would be in and out of work due to her lack of respect for authority and instability. But always has managed to find some work as we refuse to give her money.

 

She clocked up much debt. We refused to bail her out. She worked out a plan to pay off her own debts on very little money. She crashed her car in rage and rode it off. She saved the money for another one. She asks us for money and we say no everytime. Particularly because she can spend it on drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. Giving her money wou,d enabling her habits and leading her to believe she is entitled. And as a result she has become more responsible that way with money, learning the value of it, slowly but getting there. 

 

She has entered into another abusive relationship with an ice addict. I don't understand this at all. Because of my daughter's mental health issues she is easily exploitable. She tries to break away from him but he keeps talking her back into going back. We told her if she goes back to him she would have to move out now as we cannot keep going through this due to her bad choices. And that he was never to come near us or our house. We are disgusted with her to be honest, but still love her. But won't have a bar of her partner. The more I warn of how he will destroy and use and abuse her, the more she goes back. 

 

She makes her choices, and she needs to live her own life and learn....in her case the hard way. We won't be taking her back again.

 

We have our current home on the market and am moving to a sea golf resort community. It is our time now - she has had multiple chances and opportunities to get help and make a good life for herself but keeps making bad lifestyle choices. They are hers to own now. We will not tolerate it anymore.

 

I do understand of the concern of suicide, but they are adults and also have to learn to stand on their own two feet. I have learned over the years that if I keep cleaning up after her messes that nothing will change. It wasn't good for her or us and we were just enabling her. She is moving out mid October into a rental property her friends mother owns. She is sharing the rent with another person. It is up to her whether she blows this or not but if she does she will have to face the consequences and work it out. She is still in debt of five hundred dollars after paying off thousands. That is her problem to work out. 

 

Sometimes what is needed is tough love but at the the same time to know that as parents we will always be there for them and love them. Being there for them does not mean being used and manipulated by them, that's the difference I have learned the hard way over the years. She is leaving amicably so there is still a good relationship between us and in her way she does love us. But she has to learn to make better choices and to be a responsible adult and if we keep rescuing her she will not.

 

It is still a dangerous  situation with the relationship she is in, and she could self harm or hurt someone else she snaps, but she is putting herself in those situations, making bad relationship and financial calls and will now have to get herself out of it. I do find it hard not to worry as at any time tragedy can strike at any time and it makes me depressed at times, but what we have been doing hasn't work and we deserve a life too. We made all the above clear to her. The stress of it all was killing us and shortening our lives, no more. It just cannot go on so hard calls have to be made as heartbreaking as they are.

 

So yes Rosie, we have asked her to leave. Have you considered moving into an over fifty fives village community where she cannot return? Just one idea. If your daughters are admitted into a psychiatric ward and it's made clear they have nowhere to return, they can ask for a social worker that can help them obtain housing, benefits and follow up treatment. If they become aggressive and abusive where it crosses the line I would not hesitate in calling the police.

 

We did this with our daughter at one stage and obtained an AVO and she in time learned she could not get away with it and over time is no longer verbally abusive or destructive around the home. It is important not to tolerate disrespectful behaviour and behaviour that crosses the line or they will become empowered and get worse. Setting clear boundaries with consequences and act on them. It's really hard to do, breaks the heart but is the only way to gain respect and to get your lives back. Your home is your rules or they need to find alternative arrangements. Please don't give them money or they will take from you all their lives.

 

Our daughter can show us respect now most of the time, not always, and is maturing, but the relationships she is in makes her snap again. And we just can't keep going through it. If she can keep out of such relationships we believe she could make a successful happy life for herself and manage her mental illness. It is now up to her and we handle the situation one day at a time, or the worry would overwhelm. As I still love my daughter very much. But we deserve a life too. I hope it works out for you both soon and that something I said helped. You are not alone. These problems are becoming more prevalent in society unfortunately.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: Feeling desperate, bewildered and a host of other feelings.

Thanks Enigma. I really appreciate your message. I will send a longer reply later. Rushing to get a few things done before I head off to the dentist. Dry socket after an extraction and feeling hideous. Of course my daughter is in bed and we've just had an altercation about her not getting out of bed to help me. I realise I have to get her to move out or I am likely to crumble in a heap. Regards

Re: Feeling desperate, bewildered and a host of other feelings.

Hi Enigma. I read through your previous message again this evening and appreciate your honesty about your situation with your girl. Sounds like you and your husband have been on a rocky journey with her.  Hopefully calmer times ahead for your family and for mine. At this stage of my journey I am living one day at a time. I wish you all the best and thanks for your support.

Re: Feeling desperate, bewildered and a host of other feelings.

Thank you @rosemary1. Hope your tooth is now better. Definitely has been a rocky road - living one day at a time is the only way and is what I do. Enjoying the peaceful moments making the most of it when I can. I am off with a dear friend for a fun day out tomorrow which I am looking forward to.

 

Our family has improved vastly from four years ago except my daughter unfortunately has to work through destructive relationships and work out how to stay away. So I have no doubt there will be calmer days ahead for your family and mine. Have a relaxing evening - it's been lovely chatting with you 😊

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