Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Rosy21]

My partner has borderline personality disorder. He is on multiple medications but never takes them consistently so they’re not very helpful. He knows all the strategies to use to help himself feel better, but rarely uses them - always with an excuse.

We have been married for 20 years and this journey with BPD has been for the last 12 and I am so tired of it. I am emotionally exhausted and don’t know how to keep doing this. My husband is 45 and talking about quitting work and taking his income protection insurance. He thinks it sounds like a great idea to get a big payout, but I know he will blow through that in a year or two and then expect me to support him. 
We have a lifestyle that he created - he wanted to buy the house, he has an expensive car, we have three daughters and he has very high standards when it comes to food and clothes. He will not cope with me shopping at Aldi! This makes me angry, because he thinks that somehow I will keep all this going from him. He thinks I will just throw in extra money and pay for all the things he can’t and I know there is no extra money.

I am so frustrated, because this is all up to him and he is severely mentally ill. He chooses whether to take his medication, he is in charge of his own money, he decides when to go to th doctor. If I had my way he would be admitted to hospital for 6 months for treatment but the system doesn’t work that way. 
We are falling apart emotionally and financially and I don’t know how much longer we can go in like this. Is there anything I can do to force my partner to get treatment or to make myself financially independent from him so the kids and I can survive?

[Paperdaisy]

Hi @Rosy21 Thank you for sharing. It must be very stressful to live with this, I can hear how much it's impacting you and your own wellbeing. I would be tired of it too. Do you have any supports for yourself? 

Just putting this website here in case there is anything helpful, that you may not have thought of before. It sounds like you have been dealing with this for quite some time- https://www.bpdaustralia.org/ 

There might be something useful here

I'm hoping someone from the community can jump in and offer you some advice. @BPDSurvivor @Faith-and-Hope @NatureLover @Shaz51 

Please take care 

[SmilingGecko]

The economic system is only going to get worse and in future he won't be able to live such a lavish lifestyle. Honestly, financially you are not matched.  If someone spent money like that I would want to get out.  Seeing that he won't get treatment and burdens you with his behaviour must make you feel like you are at breaking point. It must be so difficult.  I'm just sorry you are forced to live like this!

I think you may allready know the answer and that you have had enough but I understand you are trapped and don't know what options you have. May I suggest try using a vision board or use some manifestation techniques to try and leverage a way out. Humans are creative and it begins with a thought. By focussing on an outcome "as if you allready had it" draws the object of your desire to you. I've had to do it for all kinds of things.

Your situation must feel impossible and as if you are hemmed in with no options but the mind is a powerful thing use your creative faculties to manifest things. Nobody can tell you what to do, only you can but instead of panicking, view the problem as an opportunity to mould the situation whatever way you want. You are more powerful than you think! 

Envision your world to fit your expectations not what you fear most coming out of this situation. Don't give into your deepest fears, focus on positive outcomes @Rosy21 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Rosy21,

Welcome to the Forums, my name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It sounds like things are pretty challenging for you at the moment and have been for sometime.

As someone that has been an emotional carer for a close family member who has a serious mental health diagnosis I can understand somewhat how you are feeling. It can be particularly challenging when you want them to see the doctor, take the medication, seek therapy etc and for whatever reason they won't. At the end of the day like my family member your husband is a grown adult and there is really no way that you can get him onboard with you unless he wants to.

It sounds (from what you have written) that your partner may stick to the path he is on now so I guess it comes down to what you want for your life and your kids lives and what path you choose. Would you be open to discussing your concerns with a professional such as a relationship counsellor? They maybe able to help you untangle your thoughts and support you through this challenging time. There is an organisation called Relationship Australia that might be useful - Relationships Australia.

I really wish you all well - this isn't an easy situation for any of you and I hope you can find the supports you need.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather