04-11-2019 04:33 PM
I'm just gonna snowball in cos I'm honestly about to blow...
I'm a Long Time Lurker, first time poster here (or in any forum for that matter).
Basically, My ex partner and father of my child has BPD. My fiance and I live at my home with my daughter and him. We've literally given him the clothes off our backs and the food from our mouths to support him. I haven't seen my nearly 7 yr old in a week because it hasn't been safe for her to come home. I know that the abuse is part of illness but he doesn't respect ANY boundaries unless he's in a "good" way. He has no other family and he's isolated himself from any friends. He's fully financially dependant on me, and my partner just quit his job. I'm only on centrelink and thus far haven't been recognised as a carer so no support. We're on waiting lists for everything and I've been doing this for nearly 10 years. I've had to put off studying, hobbies, my engagement and wedding... well pretty much everything and I'm Just. So. Tired.
I suffer from my own mental illness and trauma (also on wait lists for everything) but I'm just getting crushed under it all and I have no one to turn to.
Not sure what I'm asking for really... Just trying to keep my head above water.
04-11-2019 05:05 PM
hello @Nebulana and welcome
your situation sounds extremely challanging and im sorry that its having such and impact on you, your partner and your child as well. your family unit really should feel safe being at home.
I wondered if you could speak to your ex when hes in an ok mood and suggest he get some help. doesnt have to be mental health help to start with it could be applying for centrelink so that he has his own money and could also contribute to your household expenses. They may even be of help getting him into his own housing with rent assitance for private or help get into government/social sort of housing.
im aware of the challanges he may face as i have bpd myself but perhaps he will listen and seek further help if you mention him moving into his own house?
As for your own mental health, those waitlists can be ridiculous cant they! maybe it would be worth ringing around to some other people (ie psychologists) and see if they have any appointments that arent so far away?
your also welcome to contact the sane helpline either on the phone or through webchat if you feel you need extra support too.
@Determined i think also cares for someone with BPD and may be able to offer some perspective too.
Please feel free to join in where you like such as Hot Chocolate Anyone ? where many carers share a social cup of coffee and a light hearted chat. A forum tip also is to put an @ before a members name and itll tag them for you
04-11-2019 06:17 PM
@outlander thanks for replying so fast!
Not something I'm used to haha!
The trouble I'm having with that is everytime I bring up some kind of independence or steps to take during good moods, it either triggers an episode and he becomes abusive or he says it's my responsibility as a carer.
He's refuses to spend time in the hospital or ring centrelink to even nominate me to do it for him. I want to able to sit with him through the whole thing because I know it's anxiety inducing but I have other things I actually need to prioritise (my daughter/my own health). That's persistently perceived as abandonment and drop and launch support etc (he reads a lot).
Yeah the wait lists are crazy but the system can only do what it can so I don't expect to be treated any differently to anyone else.
Thanks for the warm welcome and all the pointers, honestly already feels more supported!
05-11-2019 12:25 PM
05-11-2019 01:09 PM - edited 05-11-2019 01:11 PM
that is really difficult having all the blame put onto you when its not your fault. Just cause your a carer doesn't mean you have to or should be doing it all.
Would you be able to maybe speak with a social worker and express your concerns about him and his welfare and with your family's they can often help in these circumstances and seems to already be affecting your relationships with your daughter and your partner too.
I wonder if @Appleblossom @Darcy @Sophia1 @Sophie1 @Shaz51 @Smc @Dec may be able to offer some advice too
05-11-2019 01:52 PM
And thanks @outlander for tagging me
Nebulana - I will have to think more about your situation but yes - I do know what it's like living with someone with BPD - it was my son - and you do need to put your daughter and yourself before him - your child is first and you need to be in good condition to care for her - and yourself of course
And this is a knotty problem
Basically - your ex needs to get himself together and this will be hard for him to do. I people with BPD have a lot of trouble controlling their emotions and their behaviour - this makes some things impossible. It's really difficult for you. But he can only be treated with something called Tough Love.
In the past when I needed help I would get on the phone and start making calls until I could find my son somewhere else to live and other help. I would get one number and then another number until I got somewhere. My mother wondered how I found this help and then guessed it was because I had to. Pretty much the truth. I never worried at the time about other people - I was young myself and inexperienced - but I truly do know how hard it is to live with some people with BPD and you do to
Luckily not everyone with this disorder are so hard to live with - some do a lot to help themselves but obviously your ex has no idea - I am so sorry for that
But he is your ex - I wonder if you are really responsible for him now. He is an adult after all - and without any income he is imposing himself on you and yours - your current relationship is important too
I hear you - I understand - it is a nightmare for you and you certainly don't need it. You really do need to keep your head above water.
People here really care for each other and my suggestion is that whatever is happening you keep posting here - we can't actually do anything to help you but we will support you in any way we can
05-11-2019 09:09 PM
05-11-2019 09:10 PM
05-11-2019 09:14 PM
05-11-2019 09:36 PM
welcome to the forum - it is a great place to come and be heard and to get some different points of view
I have a partner with bipolar II and medication resistant major depression and anxiety and a mother with undiagnosed BPD.
Wow you have a lot to deal with and I'm super glad you have reached out for some support - these forums contain many people living with mental health issues and caring for those with complex mental health problems ...
I am a bit tired now so can't write much at the moment but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone and there are thousands of us in carer roles .. I've been a carer for my partner for over 20 years now and it truly never ends ... it just changes and we become a bit wiser and obtain more education and help along the way .. and also learn how to stay strong ourselves and not let our carees drain us totally ..
Your situation sounds complicated and volatile ... . keep asking for help and maybe something someone says will resonate and help you make the next decision or just get through the next day !
take care and keep letting us know how you are travelling - in my toughest times this forum has often been the most helpful - pls keep posting we r listening x
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