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Phoebe10
New Contributor

Brother with depression and anxiety, living in what I perceive as an unsupportive environment

Hi. My brother has been suffering with depression for a while but it got really bad around Christmas. He has two young girls, 9 & 12. Him and his wife have decided to divorce. I think this needed to be done a long time ago but my brother could never cope with the thought of it and now his world is falling apart. She said she can’t give anymore and she is done with it. She is a very closed woman and very defensive and unapproachable. His girls have become very aloof to him too. (They spend most time with their mother and he is not sure what she is saying to them. There is no respect for him anymore.) He is seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist and talking about it but is still struggling. His work has agreed to drop the number of days he works and his duties but he isn’t sure if he will cope with it. He faces anxiety with work and anxiety with his home environment. The problem is I don’t think the environment he lives in is very supportive. They are living together while they fix up the home and get it ready to sell. He can’t cope with the thought of living on his own. I live 1.5hrs away and when he stays with me he feels he’s abandoning his children and they get more angry. I feel he has been emotionally abused and manipulated by his wife but he thinks he is in the wrong and that she does support him but she is very condescending and cold to him. 
when I’m there he says his wife withdraws more. I’ve offered to go to his house and fetch him, not go in, and help him start looking for places to rent but he says she will know that he’s been with me and she still doesn’t like it. He’s also worried about living on his own and the cost of rent while paying mortgage. He is also not sure if his work will keep him on if he can’t cope. I’m flying my dad over to support him but his wife and my dad do not see eye to eye so he is anxious about my dad staying at the house with them and his wife doesn’t want that. But I don’t know how else my dad is going to support him if he isn’t living with him. I just don’t know how else to help him. I don’t know what the best course of action is for him. Every way we turn there is an obstacle to navigate. It would be different if he had a supportive wife that we could talk to. I’ve approached her and she was cold and very short with me. She clearly doesn’t want to be involved with our family anymore and is keeping her distance. I was on the phone with him today and he was in tears again because he doesn’t know how he is going to get through this. I need someone to tell me what to do because I don’t know what is right or wrong for him and I don’t want to make things worse. Has anyone dealt with anything like this? Thank you.

4 REPLIES 4

Re: Brother with depression and anxiety, living in what I perceive as an unsupportive environment

Hi @Phoebe10,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It is nice to have you with us.

It sounds like your family (particularly your brother) have a lot going on at the moment. I really feel for all involved and I can see that the situation is very layered and emotive. As someone that has been a carer for a family member where I was in a position of wanting to help but was limited by what I could do I really feel for you. It is really hard and painful when you want to make things better for someone you care about but you either can't or you don't know how. What I learned from this experience was at the end of the day you can only do so much, be so much, help so much etc. You also need to ensure that you take care of yourself when supporting someone in such an emotional situation because it can take its toll on you. When my family member was going through a really hard time I was so busy trying to support them in anyway I could (because I love them and wanted to help as much as I could) but over time I was also becoming worn out and emotionally depleted. I was also neglecting my own family's needs (I had young children at the time) because after I spent time talking/helping my family member I had nothing left for anyone else. 

I truly understand you want to help your brother and it is a testament to the type of sibling that you are that you care so much but I also know that no matter what I did or didn't do for my family member that I actually had very little control around the outcome of what was going on and how things were going to turn out. My time was best spent supporting them whilst taking into consideration my own needs and the other people in my life as well - having boundaries.

It is good to read that your brother has some professional support because this is a lot to carry on his own. It is also good that your dad is coming to help support your brother. What I learnt from my experience with my family member was that I didn't have the answers - eventually my family member found his own answers (through support from his professional team, family and friends, and time). I also remember thinking at the time if I did give my family member advice it could come back on me one day and he may resent me for my advice.

I have attached a link to some information about being a carer because it is also important to take care of yourself when you are looking out for others Families Carers.

I wish you, your brother, and your family all the best.

Warm regards,

FloatingFeather

PS. a couple of tips for navigating the Forums:

Tip 1 - if you want to directly chat with someone on the Forums use the @ symbol and then start typing their name directly after it. A dropdown box should appear, and you then select their name. This ensures that they are notified of any posts you mention them in.

Tip 2 – the most recent posts are the latest page numbers.

 

Re: Brother with depression and anxiety, living in what I perceive as an unsupportive environment

hey @Phoebe10 ❤️ This sounds like such a difficult time. It's really brave to reach out for support in a new place. 

 

I imagine that with all of these layers, you're feeling a bit powerless. And it's understandable after identifying so many options, but none of them quite work. Especially if you're watching your brother is a home situation where he doesn't get the support he could benefit from. it must be so hard ❤️ 

 

I was in a similar situation when I was caring for my brother a little while ago when he was in a very bad place, although it's quite a different situation. Anyway, I'm older and felt like it was my responsibility for fixing it. At times I felt frustrated because it seemed like any option I put forward or ideas I had for change just wouldn't work. I think I got a bit burnt out by the whole thing because I didn't have much control over the big picture. So I found it really useful to 

  1. Ask him what support he needed/wanted from me
  2. Think about the things I actually had control over

This really helped to put energy into things that I could influence. Not sure if that helps? 

Here is a picture which someone on here shared which I found useful
in and out of my control.jpeg

 

 

 

Re: Brother with depression and anxiety, living in what I perceive as an unsupportive environment

@TuxedoCat @FloatingFeather thank you very much for your replies and giving your experiences. It has helped me a lot and I really appreciated being made aware that there is only so much I can do and I cannot control it all. 

Re: Brother with depression and anxiety, living in what I perceive as an unsupportive environment

Oooo @TuxedoCat , thanks for uploading that centre of control pic. It is so helpful!

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