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Sophie1
Senior Contributor

Advice needed - on eggshells and don’t know how to help my partner

Hi All

 

@outlander @Smc @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @Determined @Hams @Appleblossom 

 

advice needed -— I haven’t been in ‘carer’ mode for a while and not sure how drastic my actions need to be right now.. 

 

- should I take carers leave this week and focus on my partner (see concerns below) or should i return to work ? 

- how can I best support my partner now ? 

 

It’s been a while since I reached out. My partner MsS is not doing so well. We may have to wait to mid Jan to see her psychiatrist. 

My partner has PTSD, bipolar, depression, generalised anxiety, and chronic migraines. 

We just came home from a week interstate with her family who she hadn’t seen for a year.  One of her parents is very unwell and it shocked her deeply to see the decline and also the possible ‘neglect’ re their care as the family seems in denial re the extent of deterioration.    It upset her on many levels and now she is withdrawn, teary, big migraine and anything I say triggers her to cry or accuse me of ‘wrong tone of voice’ , ‘being selfish’ , ‘being aggressive’ , etc … 

 

during the trip she had multiple confronting conversations with her mother, siblings and I witnessed what I think may be mania starting again … she didn’t seem to be able to read social cues, she over shared to strangers frequently , was rude to her siblings, and ranted a lot at them.  She also strangely had very slow speech and re-enacted her stories to family in slow drawn out manner - they were very patient (except her mum who is aggressive herself).  It was hard to see her so socially unaware of others and herself. 

I am very concerned about her and only today confided in my best friend and also my partners sister re my concerns. 


I am at the end of my fuse - so hard walking on eggshells - esp when I’m tired from the trip too, our house is dirty/messy/cluttered and I have to go back to work on Tuesday. 

im afraid if I go back to work she will just hide in her room all week and not seek help or attend appointments.  If I take a few days off then maybe I can take her to appts if we can get them earlier, encourage her to do some gentle pleasant activities and help make her feel safe again - she’s seems to be in complete defensive , disaster, victim and combat mode. 


how have others supported their loved ones through these times ?? What is the best thing I can do or not do ?? 

 

5 REPLIES 5

Re: Advice needed - on eggshells and don’t know how to help my partner

@Sophie1 

I do not have any clear advice.  Sorry, but did not want to leave your request unanswered.

 

You said  "she’s seems to be in complete defensive , disaster, victim and combat mode."

 

It seems you are between a rock and a hard place. Christmas gatherings can be so triggering in many ways.  I am not sure how old and vulnerable she is, but I would tend towards giving her space to work through her complex of feelings and hope she attends appointments.

Re: Advice needed - on eggshells and don’t know how to help my partner

Thanks @Appleblossom  i really appreciate your thoughts - I think space and time will be healing for her.  I might do some half days at work so she has space but I can also have some time to take her to appts if needed, catch up on house work, self care , etc 

Re: Advice needed - on eggshells and don’t know how to help my partner

Hi @Sophie1,

It sounds like the trip was a lot for you and your partner. I can imagine your partner seeing their parent's decline would have been very confronting and brought up a lot of emotions for them. I think your approach to work part-time this week is a good idea - that way your partner can get some time and space to process their thoughts, you get a break from caring yet you are able to still keep on eye on them. I think you are right - that time to process and reflect may also be helpful to your partner at this time. It is good that your partner is seeing their psychiatrist soon.

I would also encourage you to take care of yourself during this time as well. As someone that is also a carer I know the importance of taking care of yourself. Whilst it is great that you are supporting your partner and looking out for their best interest it shouldn't be to the determent of yourself. I think it's good that you have confided in a couple of people about this so you also get some support. Is there anyone else that can help support you with your partner so things aren't just on you?

Just in case you haven't seen this page I am attaching a link to some information around carers and family carers.

I wish you and your partner all the best - take care and keep reaching out for support for yourself too.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather 

 

 

Re: Advice needed - on eggshells and don’t know how to help my partner

@Sophie1 hugs my darling ❤

Yes going away has it downside as it takes us out of our partners comfort zones 

Her mind will be overthinking just like my Mr shaz and not sleeping properly and being out of her routine 

Yes I think easing back into work is a good idea xx

@amber22 , @TuxedoCat 

Re: Advice needed - on eggshells and don’t know how to help my partner

Hi @FloatingFeather 

thankyou so much for the reply 

I’m so exhausted as my partner has now also had an unexpected physical injury and cannot use one arm at all, move neck or use other arm for more than lifting a small cup.  
I am not coping and don’t have energy to explain the developments - however I am now cornered and will be calling the SANE hotline tomorrow for advice on how to proceed. 
will also check out the link you referred to 

many thanks 

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