Lived Experience Forum

[cloudcore]

@Faith-and-Hope , I really like those red flags you've listed, those kinds of behaviours are much more sinister and inconspicuous in combination than some other common red flags you may see on a list on google. I've come to a point in my life where those red flags instantly give me cause for alarm and signals to distance myself as well. Great observations!

@Powderfinger , it's really hard with a parent and ex partner isn't it? The rigid boundary I have in place with those two parties involves having no contact, in that I do not share information about my life with them and I don't invite conversation from them (in person and on social media). Often it means outright ignoring any attempts to connect as well. These are the harshest/most rigid boundaries I have for any of my relationships, and they were made as a consequence of the fact that they constantly disrespected and ignored other attempts at putting boundaries in place. It may not be what other's decide to do or neccessarily can do, and at times I question the need for them, but I feel it was the best choice at the time for my wellbeing. Whether you think a consequence is warranted is based on your thoughts and feelings about it as well.

In terms of boundaries around roles, each conversation would be very different depending on the demand. In mine, I've had say a number of times that while I understood their need for my expertise/advice/help right now, it was not appropriate nor I did not feel comfortable doing so outside the bounds of my job and I would prefer to spend my non-work hours speaking as a friend or doing something else. How do you feel you would go about having a conversation like that, @Powderfinger ? 

[Faith-and-Hope]

I think a trigger warning in the title of this thread is a good idea, as @Sophia1 has suggested.  It is not always possible to predict how the content of a thread will unfold, and I think it was like that in this case.

I have virtually a no-contact boundary on my ex @cloudcore.  At the moment we are only interacting through lawyers.  One of the greatest difficulties in a hidden, coercive abuse situation is that it can be almost impossible to prove, and traumatic to even try, but where there is a child or dependent adult involved you are expected to be very adult around that person and together with your ex get on with the shared business of the care of the vulnerable individual.  If it comes across that you are lashing out at your former partner and maligning them, the legal system may choose to remove the vulnerable one from both of you ...... it's a terrible double-bind.  

I have confidence in truth making itself known though, so as difficult as it is to deal at this level, I have to keep as strong boundaries as the situation will allow, and wait for the outcomes.  It will gradually become apparent that only one of the parents is playing by the rules, and the other will create whatever impression they think will get them what they want.  When your boundaries are genuine and a natural extension of you, then there is a natural consistency to the way you respond in any given situation.

[Kermit]

Hi,

Like many other contributors time alone is one of my boundaries.

I try to keep explanations to other people as to why very simple. My standard line is I need a quiet night/afternoon/time in order to make it about what I need rather than a rejection of spending time with other people.

As someone with bipolar disorder, maintaining my sleep schedule is also a boundary. Part of this is I don't answer or respond to mobile after 9pm so that I can wind down before bed.

[Shaz51]

1. Think of someone who has helped shape who you are. What has this person taught you about boundaries, whether intentionally or unintentionally?
My Mum taught me to "Keep on keeping on" 

her best quote has always been " It will pass" , to be kind 

my husband has taught me " saying less is the best " 

2. Are there specific areas of your life you need to set boundaries for? How do you know if you need to establish boundaries?

keeping boundaries open with different members , extented family , step children`s family 

my step children`s ex's who still ring or text 

negative in laws !!!!!

being kind and considerate 

sometimes i find it hard to saying less is best --- wanting to say more and have bitten my toungue lots of times over the years 

I have learnt that there are other way to help, stay out of , walking away 

[WildGypsyRose]

Hi Corny

You make a great point re boundaries with regard to NDIS  I learnt the hard way to keep a very professional relationship with my ndis workers after my ndis cleaner spent an hour and 20 minutes of her 2 allotted hours debriefing about the problems with her partner involving many instances of dv. I felt extremely triggered, and afterwards didn't want to spend time in my home. My psychologist agreed it was inappropriate and advised me to get my care coordinator to sack her. 
A good lesson for me in the value of my own boundaries. 
All the best

[chibam]

@cloudcore

1. Think of someone who has helped shape who you are. What has this person taught you about boundaries, whether intentionally or unintentionally?

Actually, this really applies to a whole heap of people who 'shaped who I am';

Self-confidance - more specifically the fact that I can't stand it, and I certainly have no wish to ever embody it.

During some of the more pivotal periods in my life, I've been beset with self-confidant people and they invariably have a disastrous impact upon my life. People who inflict themselves upon you against your wishes; make demands upon you because what they want is all that matters; then trash your name all over town because you've failed to perform their tasks up to a standard they never even bothered to clarify for you.

Way too many people out there believe they are god's gift to the world and that you ought to be gushingly grateful for the fact that they see fit to inflict themselves upon you. The truth is that your lucky to see the end of them.

To be perfectly honest, I no longer understand why news shows insist on branding random fatalities as "tragedies" - because when I think about all the people I've had to endure in my life, it makes a rather compelling argument that people are moreover burdens that we a lucky to be liberated from, rather then assets that enrich our lives. Why? Because their mostly all so self-confidant, they don't care about how much they drag the world around them down.

That's why I do my damnedest not to be self-confidant myself. Most people are already too burdened by self-confidant people they know themselves. I don't want to add to that suffering. I want to counter-act it. I want to be an asset to peoples' lives. I want to be a servant who enriches their existances, rather then another demanding tax imposed upon them.

2. Are there specific areas of your life you need to set boundaries for? How do you know if you need to establish boundaries?

Probably.

I probably need to get people to state more explictly what they want from me when requests are made upon me, and how I will be rewarded for successfully completing their tasks.

It would also be nice if I could get people to stop badmouthing me for not living up to expectations that they never even clarified to begin with; and also had some way of insuring that the expectations imposed upon me were both reasonable and fair.

That's all I can think of for now.

[Owen45]

Boundaries so important when dealing with and managing mental health issues.

[Lyra_reachout]

Sending you encouragement and support @Powderfinger . I understand why you might feel angry with yourself but it's not your fault. It's unfortunately all too easy to make excuses for someone we care about and minimise the harm they are doing. It has happened to me before. It can happen to any of us. You deserve to give yourself as much compassion and understanding as you would give to any of your friends in a similar situation. 

[Lyra_reachout]

That sounds difficult @chibam , well, it sounds difficult to me anyway. I'm coming from a perspective of not having many or any boundaries in the past... I would say you belong here as much as anyone else!

[Lyra_reachout]

Hi @Kermit , I have bipolar as well. 

That's a good boundary around sleep and mobile phone use. I'm going to give that one some thought for my own life. I also have a boundary related to bipolar about how many activities I commit to in one day, (eg. I would rarely do more than one social activity in one day, even if it's short). It seems to help keep me steady and help me manage my emotions better. But sometimes I wonder if I'm limiting myself more than necessary. It's always a balancing act! 

Take care