Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

Hey @Attahua
Checking in to see how you are doing.
Darcy

[Attahua]

Am okay I guess!!! Spent a lovely weekend in Melbs so my daughter could see Justin Bieber FRONT ROW😳😎 , she loved his performance!!! However just returned last night to the usual interrogation ....HE checked transaction history and asked about purchases which were all food related as am aware of our tight budget so dare not spoil myself😳 It turned into him starting off calm then getting himself in a state and raising his voice and going on and on and on!!! I just calmly left the room and told him no one has a right to yell at another but am I right??? Maybe I do antagonise him??? I have always said to myself since knowing about this Melb trip last year that once I got that out the way I would really look at this relationship and make changes if need be but so much easier said than done! I still feel bitter that main reason my 17 year old has left to study her final year 12 seven hours away is because of the unsettled , far from calm environment we live in, she could never stand him yelling at us. Actually for her English recount she has just made quite an amazing short video about how his illness has affected her and what it is like as a child!!! It is really impressive, a tear jerker and one I think needs to be seen by many who deal with mental illness whether it be personally or professionally! 

[Former-Member]

Onya @Attahua for remaining calm and walking out. I am sure your partner will learn that there are things that are not acceptable to you.

I hope one day you will feel strong enough to demand unconditional spending money. A financial advice column I read some time ago suggested that each partner in a relationship put 90% of their salaries into a joint a/c and each had 10% for themselves. We don't do this but I thought it made good sense and when Mr Darcy was completely dependent on me I put a little in "his account" to preserve his dignity; I did not want him to have to ask me for money to get a coffee (or lol to buy me a birthday present).

Hypersensitivity can go with the territory of bipolar ii which is working diagnosis for Mr Darcy. I think at times no matter how delicately we say things, offense will always be taken. I tend to call a spade a spade as I find a direct approach is best and there is no misunderstanding. I am sensitive however in relation to many topics that I know worry him.

Having said that if Mr Darcy deteriorates and insight is impaired then there is no negotiation, I call his case worker to initiate relapse prevention plan.

There are a number of ways your daughter's story can be heard. Support groups often ask for family stories which can help them in their training programs. Don't know if mental health week would offer opportunity. Uni psychology training programs are also good spot. (Often uni psychology training involves practical training with trainee and senior therapist and she might need to be a patient to get her story out that way).

Darcy

[Attahua]

Wow Thankyou !! You have so much knowledge and insight! I have considered seperate accounts on the advice of his aunt with whom he lived with for many years but as his wage differs every fortnight there would in fact be some weeks when he wouldn't even be able to pay his share of the bills!! I know what I have to do really, I either accept things the way they are and continue on like this OR I be brave and walk away into the unknown!Am 47 so although not afraid about being on my own it's not exactly how I imagined my future self to be! For the time bring I will bite my tongue and maybe try to be more compassionate and understanding and when he raises his voice I leave the room sending him a clear message that it's not ok. I really do not like being yelled at and am quite disappointed in myself that over the past 7 years I have become quite complacent about it

[Former-Member]

Checking in @Attahua

I know I come across as confident but be assured I too feel the strains that come with loving someone with a mental illness and the uncertainties that go with the territory.

Whilst Mr Darcy has a working diagnosis of bipolar ii, this is in no way confirmed and schizoaffective is in the differential diagnoses that have been put forward.

I think of you often and hope that I have not misunderstood you or that I have been too blunt. I really felt your pain and hope that, as is your desire, that you can find the strength to stick with the boundary of walking out and your partner will realise that it is not OK for him to yell at you.

Darcy

[Attahua]

No I appreciate honesty and bluntness and have never misunderstood what you were saying or visa versa!!! You know it has taken me a long time to realise that although the schizo side of my partner are only an 'every other year' occurance the bipolar part has become so much part of our every day lives that it is easy to forget what normal is??!! If you know what I mean???? Some days he is wide awake, zooming around the house and yard fixing and cleaning, talking a hundred miles an hour and other times he is just sitting contemplating his naval for hours on end ! Some days he can snap angrily and then within an hour be nice as pie and forget that he has just bitten my head off!!! But then again some of this may just be personality but I will never know as I have never known him without his illness! Anyway, it's a beautiful morning here, am heading into another day at work and looking forward to my daughter flying up and visiting for the weekend. Take care x

[Former-Member]

Hey @Attahua
Think of you often, sending love.
Darcy

[Shaz51]

Hello @Attahua, It is lovely to see you

how are you today

[Attahua]

Hi Shaz!! Am plodding along taking one day at a time. My partner 'seems' ok but I did notice last night he started talking about previous hospital visits and of nurses he believed to be related to people in his past.....to me this can be a very early warning sign that maybe he is not doing as well as I thought he was but typically there has been no contact with his MH worker in probably the past six months and no pysch appointment (aside from one he requested) since leaving hospital 12 months ago!! I am no longer surprised or upset about this but I do quietly keep a note so if and when things go pear shaped I have documentation to prove lack of intervention and support. He has his monthly depot still of course which keeps him on an even keel. I am not panicking over this last 'early warning sign' as what ever will be will be and quite frankly I cannot see how another Ep can be avoided anyway as he is on correct dose of meds so unclear as to what other interventions can be put in place???!! My 17 year old has moved away to complete her final year of schooling and she is doing remarkably well under the unusual circumstances ( of not having me around!) it all just got too much for her last year and she recognised that to get thru this year she needed calm and stability, something we clearly lack in our household. I miss her dearly and she is stronger than me being able to recognise an unhealthy situation and move away from it. Anyway, how are you going????????

[Former-Member]

Take care @Attahua