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wellseeson
Casual Contributor

Things are starting to come to a head

Hi all,

 

New to the forum (hello!) but alas not on the best terms.

 

Why

A friend of mine was talking with their friend about their flatmate and the troubles with dealing with them because they had bpd. My friend did some research about bpd and came to the realisation that maybe my partner of four years has it - which after some personal research made me feel the same.

 

My partner ticks most of the boxes in a very obvious way.

 

I know...

Anyone can be shoe-horned into categories that are the 'signs of bpd' - hell i can be short tempered, 'risky' and the like, and I'm definitely NOT a psychologist so am happy to be proved wrong. However even my partner is aware something is not right, and the signs ring very true and if anything, at least makes me feel we have something to work with.

 

So currently...

There have been a few episodes of late which have led me to take an authoritive foot down approach - which on their reflection was fair, but after some time has wained to them to being frustrated (you're acting like my parent). However we have a 1.5 year old daughter so I now don't have patience anymore for 'forgive and forgets' like I did a few years ago. To clarify this is behaviour that has been peppered throughout our relationship.

 

Any progress?

Admitedly they are trying to better themselves - reign in their drinking, talking about their feelings, attempting to seek help (at least talking about it). However this seems to get dropped after a week or so and we can go back to square one.

 

So why am I here?

Simply - it's frustrating and I feel I'm alone. I can't talk to close ones (i'm a bit of an introvert) so anyone 'close' is essentially close to them. The last thing I want to do is talk about them behind their back, with a non-professional diagnosis, so here I am.

 

Also, I'm no saint. Sometimes I aggravate them simply because i'm fed up. I feel like I've given them benefit of the doubt, etc, try to lead by example, understand them, listen, etc - but after four years it's getting to the point where I just don't have the patience anymore (who does with a needy toddler?). I know this is difficult for them and I have no idea about their mental processes and thought patterns, which makes me feel like I'm making things worse because it's frustrating for me.

 

I've quit smoking, taken up exercise, managed my finances better, all within the last 6 months - because I want to better myself but also to show them that it can be done if you just put your mind to it. To be clear I didn't say to them this is why I'm doing these things but to show to them that you can 'improve' yourself.

 

What do I want?

I'm sounding like I just have a 'troublesome' partner, but I do want to underline after looking at the 'signs' that they may have bpd. Too many boxes ticked with demonstrable examples. I want to learn ways to nurture them towards seeking professional advice. I want to learn ways to manage my own emotions and frustrations so it doesn't esculate the situation. But at the same time I want to be able to call them out, respectively, that they are not walking the talk and are instead simply procrastinating (or deffering, or making excuses...).

 

I feel like that anytime I'm in the wrong, by picking a fight out of frustration, I've just given them reason to build up walls and put their energy on being angry at me (rightly or wrongly) instead of focusing on their next steps for working out what they know what needs to be worked out.

 

So. I've poured my heart out anonymously. Maybe that's what i needed. But I know this can't be sustainable for the next 40 years (maybe they'll just grow out of it?). It seems to me that there are obvious support and resources to those that have 'mental challenges', but there is no support and resources to those that are living with those effected and not engaged with help.

 

What do I do?

6 REPLIES 6

Re: Things are starting to come to a head

Hello @wellseeson 

Congratulations for getting yourself into a much healthier space. 

 

Mental health symptoms can be quite similar across a number of diagnoses, my husband had quite a few before his present diagnostic stability with Bipolar ii - this coming after I learnt about hypomania and discovered bewildering behaviours were in fact symptoms and was able to report these.

 

The things you can do include

1. Learn how to respond in a healthy way, this may include learning how to set boundaries.

2. Document symptoms such as 

- time between mood swings

- substance abuse

-erratic/risky behaviour

-impulsive spending

-any paranoia

3. Learn how to recognise the signs that indicate emergency (involuntary) care is needed

4. Get support for yourself, this can be done through the Carer Gateway. Depending what state you are in, groups like Wellways offer free carer support that is mental health specific.

Re: Things are starting to come to a head

hello @wellseeson 

how are you today Heart

My husband has had MI all his life , he has had sooo many diagnosis over the years and now Bipolar 11 being the latest one which seems to fit him to a tee 

learning more about it has helped me to understand more 

and we are here for you if you want to chat about anything 

and remember your own self care too ( I am still learning here )

@Former-Member 

Re: Things are starting to come to a head

Thank you for your thoughts Shaz51. I'm guessing like most there will be peaks and troughs in how I progress but discovering this forum is a great start for me.

Re: Things are starting to come to a head

Thank you Darcy - I understand that my 'diagnosis' is more likely not the right one, however do feel that something is there. I'm on the Wellways website now. Thank you again.

Re: Things are starting to come to a head

Dear @wellseeson ,

 

Welcome to the forums! Just checking in to see how things are going for you, your partner and your friends.

 

When looking at the diagnostic criteria for BPD, many people have some if not all traits. But this does not mean they have BPD. It depends on the severity and how much it impacts on daily functioning. 

I can hear you are in a difficult place. Having a toddler in itself is challenging! I encourage you to reach out. I have lived with the complexities that come with BPD for over 15 years and am alive and happy to tell the story.

 

Cheers,

BPDSurvivor

 

Re: Things are starting to come to a head

Hi there BPDsurvivor,

 

Thanks for the thought. 

Yes we've stabalised a bit which considering the circumstances is very challenging. 

I guess my reply now is more focussed on what made you reach out for help? Was there a moment or situation that made you think it was worth the attempt?

 

thank you. 

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