Forums Home
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Our stories

GleB
Casual Contributor

My wife is an alcoholic, who's mental health is falling apart. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

My wife is an alcoholic, who's mental health is falling apart. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

My wife (37, married 16 years, no kids) has over the last 6 months had deteriorating mental health, and I struggle supporting her. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

She has always been guarded, self-conscious, and anxious. Over the last 6 months, she has been dealing with some childhood trauma, and her mental health is crumbling. She has ups and downs but lately it is more downs.

She is an alcoholic, she has drunk before work, at work, and at home she often tries to hide bottles of wine/vodka from me. But of course I always know when she is drunk. She lies to me about it, she has stolen money from me, used my credit card to by booze and smokes. Tonight, she asked for something for dinner, and I agreed to a treat, and from the time I ordered the UberEats, to when it arrived, she had managed to get blind drunk and passed out.

She hates herself, pushes people away including me, because she thinks pushing us away will protect us. She has self-harmed a few times. She has said horrible fucked up shit to me that can't be taken back.

I have tried to approach it all with compassion, I tell her I love her, I try and offer affection and hugs when needed (though sometimes she cannot deal with too much intimacy or affection), I try and make her laugh, I try and motivate her to do things I know she enjoys (gym, reading, video games, getting out to the movies, etc) but the cycle keeps repeating. It is getting worse.

Before Christmas we went to the hospital, she agreed it was the right thing to do because she could not cope. After 8 hours of waiting, they told us the mental health team was unavailable, we did see a doctor who gave some advice, and the CATT team came to our house to talk to her the next day. Not much more has come of that.

She has spoken to her doctor and is on anti-depressants (ssri) but this has not helped. She has spoken with a psychologist in the past, but they didn’t gel, so she stopped seeing her. She does have another psych appointment in 2 weeks with someone new, but it’s so hard to get appointments right now.

This has taken a huge toll on me.

I love her to death, but I am constantly wondering if she is drunk, if she has stolen from me, or if she has hurt herself. I only have so much energy, and I am at my limit.

I want to support her, but at what cost for myself? I do not want to leave her, I really don’t, but if I did, I fear she would get even worse and really hurt herself, and I could not live knowing that I let her down.

She knows it affects me like this, and then she feels guilty, which makes her feel worse.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I am not sure how long I can cope.

2 REPLIES 2

Re: My wife is an alcoholic, who's mental health is falling apart. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

I hear what you are saying, I have family members who I believe are probably alcoholic and behave erratically. I was also a practicing alcoholic and my mental state had deteriorated drastically over time. I was always the victim and suffered from paranoi, believing people were talking about me or following me. Fortunately I got into Alcoholics Anonymous and found I was not crazy, deluded yes, but found others like me who wanted to get better. Of course that is the key though, I wanted to get better and was willing to go to any length. Similarly, I had a partner at the time who I had dragged down with me. He was not an alcoholic, understandaby though he was affected by my behaviour and had developed unhealthy coping strategies. He attended Al-Anon, a self help recovery organisation for  family and friends of  alcoholics to attempt to recover from his desperation, unfortunately he did not stick with it, and we parted. I really encourage you though to give them a go, I've seen lives turn around, you will find a new peace within yourself from their 12 step recovery program. Go on line and find a meeting near you.

 

Re: My wife is an alcoholic, who's mental health is falling apart. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

You need Al-Anon, It is a worldwide fellowship.

Put that in a search engine and it will take you to the website. It doesn't cost anything .. ever,

Somehow recovery for families is seen as unimportant. You need to talk with people with loved ones who are alcoholics. If your loved one got into recovery tomorrow you would still need to recover from the years of living with her.

Please go It has changed my life for the better and my sober alcoholic child and I have a much better relationship. I wish I knew about it many years ago when my father died from alcoholism.

 

You are not at fault. You need support.

Take care

Nora

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

For urgent assistance