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YellowDay
Casual Contributor

Mentally ill son severs contact

Hello everyone. My first time here and I hope to find support and understanding. My story is almost too sad to speak about but I have to try. From the time my two children were born I knew there was something 'different' about them. Particularly the youngest, but despite a constant round of visits to dosctor and psychologists nobody picked up that she had Aspergers with associated cognitive processing disorders. When she reached her late teens she developed an eating disorder, quite possible a personality disorder and then before we knew it, she was gone, took her own life two months after her 19th birthday. We were totally blindsided as we were close and helped her with life and loved her dearly. That was nearly three years ago and we still grieve.

Our son, a few years older was as traumatize as us, but there was something more to his difficulties and we realised he too had Aspergers, without the cognitive processing disorders. But he also had what appeared to be a very big narcissistic streak, then he managed to shed all his school friends, spent his time in his room, lost any job he went for, and was quite alienated from everyone. He was distant from us all his teens and early 20's, whereas our daughter was close. 

Now over the last 12 months he has developed what a psychitrist has called schitzotypal personality disorder. He has no close friends or family. He does have a university degree and is back studying but he is paranoid about any sort of friendship or relationship as he feels he cannot trust people, even us. He says we may be narcissist out to manipulate him.

He cannot cope with criticism or being challeneged in any way. He is not financially stable and asks for help when he needs it, which we give. He appears to be going through a very paranoid state at the moment and has cut off his phone and social media sites. My husband drove to his home but son wouldn't answer. 

Having lost one child to mental illness I am terrified of losing my surviving child. But I also feel very angry with him. He miscontrues helping him as some sort of attempt to get a hold on him. I know there is not much I can do, just hope the bonds of infancy and childhood remain somewhere inside his poor brain and that he will come back to us.

I don't want him to make up for his sister, or fill my mothering needs, or anything like that. I have other things to do, but he feels any reaching out to him as overwhelming. 

I feel there is nothing I can do now but let go and hope. If I reach out he will misunderstand. But given his fragility I would just like to know that he is ok. He doesn't have to see either of us, just as long as he is ok. 

It hurts though. I've lost my two babies after being a stay-at-home mother for 22 years. There is a history of mental illness on my husband's side of the family, autism, a brother and cousin with schitzophrenia, personality disorders, depression, anxiety, and we both feel like we've been cursed. Like we have been picked out for this and punished. 

I am reaching out for support because I am so sad. I suffer complicated grief and depression, I have a very good psychiatrist and wonderful friends, but I've lost my children .... 

21 REPLIES 21

Re: Mentally ill son severs contact

Hi @YellowDay Welcome to Sane forums I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. That must have been the most horrific thing for you to deal with and now you have the complications of your son.... I have a daughter with Asbergers and depression and a son with autism, epilepsy, intellectual dely and a psychosis (schizophrenia) and another child who has suffered depression in the past. I can appreciate your grief.... I also have schizoaffective disorder and just speaking for myself don't give up on your son.

 

I wish more of my family didn't give up on me when I was very sick. Only my mum stood by me but she didn't know what to do about it ... hang in there. Is he on medication? I think you said he had a psychiatrist? that is a good thing. Dont give up. I will tag @Dadcaringalone into this conversation. He is a nice guy and will be good for you to talk to.

 

Take care gp xxx

Re: Mentally ill son severs contact

Thank you for your response. My son sees a counsellor. I once got him to a psychiatrist but he didn't go back after the first session. I will never give up on him, and will always do whatever I can to help him - if he turns to me. But he has turned away and so I can do nothing but hope. I need to know how to survive this, I need to know how others have dealt with it in their own hearts.

Re: Mentally ill son severs contact

@YellowDay You are getting me a bit teary there ... I cannot answer that but you must look after yourself. Spend some 'me time' is vital. Being a parent of a child with disability or a mi is not for sissies be kind on yourself.

Re: Mentally ill son severs contact

Hello @YellowDay  

Your post is heart wrenching.  I wish you the best in your journey with your son.  I lost 2 siblings to suicide and know how much damage it leaves behind.

I hear your strength and love.

We all respond to grieving differently.

I also struggle with my adult children.

If you would like some lighter moments feel free to join in on the hot choc thread.

Take Care

Re: Mentally ill son severs contact

Hi there @greenpea and @YellowDay

Thanks for copying me into the message. I 100% empathize with you YellowDay, happy to help in anyway. Please feel free to ask any questions. I have been on a real rollercoaster with my son over the past few years. At the start I didnโ€™t really know what was wrong and I was always blamed by my son. I started to think to myself what have I done wrong and I found the more I thought and tried to solve problems that things seemed to get worse. It was also made worse by the stigma around this type of illness, my own mother who loves to blame others even suggested that I was always a bit โ€œschizoโ€ so I was obviously to blame! My son does not see this side of the family anymore as he sees them as triggers.

 

I now very strongly believe that no one is to blame for my sonโ€™s illness! We have good and bad days and I always try to be there for him. I agree with greenpea that itโ€™s crucial that you have โ€œme timeโ€ as all this caring can get pretty draining and full-on. I also find it helpful to try and understand his reality and see things from his perspective and always remind myself that while it might be tough for me that my heart really goes out to him as he bravely tries his best to live with his own mental health challenges. I trust this helps and please feel free to share how you are currently feeling and how we can all help....

Re: Mentally ill son severs contact

@Dadcaringalone Thanks Dadcaringalone I knew I could depend upon you to help @YellowDay ๐Ÿ™‚

Re: Mentally ill son severs contact

@greenpea @YellowDay

Greenpea and YellowDay,

the social distancing and understanding when my son had his first suicide attempt was the aspect of my sonโ€™s mental health challenges which made it very difficult for me to handle and resulted in him severing contact initially with his mum and later me. He told me he went to a place he felt unsafe and he didnโ€™t know how he got there. The medication he is currently on seems to have stopped the majority of these symptoms relating to hallucinations. 

 

The 2 time was even more intense and I actually restrained him from his suicide attempt. The police charged me with assulting him but later a kind clinical therapist said to me that what I actually did was right and understandable as a parent and we still have him because of restaining him. The police told him not to speak with me and it resulted in him severing complete contact with me the only person left in his life! I didnโ€™t know where he was and if he was still with us. I can remember that my cousin when we had a coffee together suggesting that I should not take it personally and never give up on him, so when things were really bad with the police I still kept on transferring him money. I had to know he was actually eating.

 

We have finally managed to get to a place were he knows he can rely on me whatever happens. He currently doesnโ€™t have any social contact with anyone else because everyone finds him pretty intense. I found after all these attempts that I went on a type of suicide watch, which my son didnโ€™t like but I couldnโ€™t help myself and I managed to explain to him and now I have stopped. Is your son older than your daughter would have been? My daughter started her own suicidal ideations after my son who was her main role model. It must be totally devastating to have lost your daughter, I also believe it must be very difficult for your son to deal with! I would say from reading what you wrote YellowDay that he is trying to deal with this loss in his own way. Are you and your husband having any therapy for dealing with this unimaginable suffering you have both had to face with your family? Not sure this helps, but I wanted to say more about why my son severed contact with me and my wife. I give you a big virtual hug and stay strong... 

Re: Mentally ill son severs contact

Thanks for your responses, I really appreciate it.

 

The death of our daughter put unimaginable strain on our marriage and we separated. Two grieving, traumatized parents who had nothing left to give to each other, after 27 years. Suicide is like a bomb going off in a family. My son says he is over it, but he's not, not in any sense. He was traumatized even more than us as we were away and he was the one called by the police to identify her. He's had counselling on and off, and like most young people he wants to get on with life and feel in control, but I don't think he realises that he hasn't done the grief, he's stuffed it down. In fact, my estranged husband reckons this sudden cutting off is partly a reaction to her birthday and the looming anniversary of her death. There is a powerful anniversary phenomena, and while we grieve everyday, this time of year is the worst. 

I don't think my son is suicidal, he's assured me he's never considered it, but I know suicide is contagious, I know it happens quickly and I know survivors of suicide loss are at high risk themselves. So I do worry. I catastrophise if he doesn't answer a text, or the phone. I think it's because he's dead. But that is my fear, and a reasonable one considering what I have been through. 

What really upsets me and makes me angry is the way he can just sever contact, knowing as he does, how traumatized both myself and his father are. One moment he's all 'I love you guys", next minute he cuts us off. This is the 3rd time he's done it and while I know it is his illness, what I feel is another thing. I feel so fed up, so unfairly treated by him, that I could say great, well, bugger off then. But I know I will always be there for him, I will always do whatever I can, but I won't be treated badly. I won't accept that, not after what I have had to endure. He has many traits that prevent him from really seeing us as people, the ASD, Narcissism and Schitzotypal PD, I know this. And I feel heartwrenchingly sad for him that these are the cards he's been dealt. He was the sweetest of children, but always a loner. A tender hearted boy, but always prone to anger. I adored him, as I adored his sister. But as an adult he is incredibly difficult to be around. It is the old walking on eggshells thing, always. 

I have come to the decision though that I deserve more than spending my life running after him and fretting and giving, giving, giving. While I will always be there for him, he has to manage his illness and take responsibility for it. 

Of course, he won't, because he does not see himself as ill. He does not accept that he has ASD, although he is aware of his own narcissism. I expect there will be a crisis one day and he will be 'in the system' and he may be forced to accept what he doesn't want to. Until then he remains a severly disordered young man, with no friends and happy to push the only two people in the world who care about him, away . He will be living on the margins, alone, odd, isolated, or he will have some sort of job where he can be in charge and be alone at the same time. 

As far as therapy for us goes, I have been seeing a wonderful psychiatrist for complicated grief for three years. He has pulled me through the darkest of times, and helped me find some coherence again in the face of the destruction of my world. My son's disorders manifested in the years surrounding my daughter's death, so I lost one child and then realise the other was mentally ill as well. A catastrophic collapse of everything I beleived in. I was on my knees for some time. I felt, and still feel, like I'm staggering away from some dreadful bushfire, covered in burns and condemned to live after having lost everything. Not easy. And my son's cruelty - after all I did and gave as his mother - is like throwing boiling water onto those burns. I can't stand it. 

I can't stand it but I will stand it, as his parent. But I will be protecting myself, not expecting much from him at all except his silence or his requests for rescue.

 

Re: Mentally ill son severs contact

Dear YellowDay @YellowDay

Thanks so much for sharing. Its tough when you have been doing everything for your family when this type of bomb hits! I personally found and still find it difficult to do things for myself. My therapist continually tells me to focus on my own work and passions. I have been trying my best but family related issues continually get in the way and then I find I have to cancel my plans. My son even said to me the other day, what are you doing for yourself? I ask you the same question? I find I am still trying to remember what a beautiful family we had in the past rather than mindfully focusing on the present moment.

 

I notice that your description of your son sounds like you are both walking on egg shells. Maybe time and distance will bring you both closer. It might be that you remind your son of things heโ€™s trying to forget! I found that my son and daughter often needs breaks from us. I found your comment โ€œI canโ€™t stand it, but I will stand it, as his parentโ€ is actually how I felt and continue to feel all the time. I find that now I just try to be physically there if he needs me. Mental health illness can be so cruel on the poor family members who are still around to weather the storm. I now have become pretty bulletproof to my sonโ€™s extremely harsh and hurtful personal attacks. I find I just go with the flow now and as suggested by my therapist try to only focus on the beauty of my son and totally disregard symptoms which I feel relate to his illness. This helps me to get through the dark or yellow days of his illness and focus on the silver linings of every dark cloud storm that I continue to face every day.

Do hope this helps and please share anything you think could help me.

Take care and thanks for sharing 

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