Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Krishna]

Thank you @tyme for your continued care and support. I don’t feel brave and I don’t know where my inner strength stems from. Perhaps it simply is that I have no choice but to keep hope alive in my heart. So today is a self care day with a float in the ocean, a little bike ride around my village (yes I bought a push bike) an afternoon rest and then preparing a big chunky spinach pie for dinner. 🙏❤️

[Sophia1]

Hello @Krishna 

This is such a strange phenomena when I examine it more closely.

You mentioned your age and my immediate reaction was that I do not think it makes any difference what age a parent is when this horror eventuates..

It is the parent child bond no matter the ages that is stretched, twisted, wrenched, disregarded, disrespected....

the list goes on....

That is what is the glaring part to me.

Then comes society and we are are seen as almost separate from the rest of the parents....

Carers meetings where the adult children are medicated.....receiving support even though relapsing are accepted by others...

Myself...oh no he does not live with me...oh no he does not have any support or take medication as he does not believe that he has a mental illness....oh he has fled the state...oh he is missing...oh he has been homeless so many times...

do you ring him?..

no he does not answer his phone..

how do you hear from him then? text message mostly when he wants money?...

then I am almost turned away from as though I am the person who has done something horribly wrong...

I become the monster in the room..

I have failed my son...allowed this to happen to him???

Carers organisation do not get this.

hospitals told me that oh they are all in denial..

He is not in denial !!!

He has had psychological and speech pathology testing as a 9 or ten year old and thinks on a different plane!!!

Silence..

I must be making that part up..

he is in denial...

I feel as though at some stage I was moved to another planet plonked there and left to deal with these thoughts on my own so as not to upset others.

School and hospitals not interested in medical report results of course.

Do not tick their boxes and help boot him out quickly enough.

Do you feel as though you are different now as a result of this?

I recognise that I have become so cynical.

I hate it..

I just keep on mostly isolating..

Riding a bike is nice.

I have thought about that.

Have to get physical body back to fully recovery first.

Vegetable garden something else on our list to do.

What will you be planting?

Tell me all about your garden vegetable, fruit, flower whatever.

I have started reading again thank goodness.

What else are you doing other than floating in ocean?

I wish that I could do that.

Cannot drive that far even though only 30 minute drive to closest beach.

One day.

You are the closest person in my world to this nightmare.

Thank you for letting me into your world

Sophia 1

[Krishna]

Hi my darling @Sophia1  I am no longer the free spirited life loving person I use to be. Introverted and yes cynical at times. I have become extremely introverted and spend all of my days basically on my own unless my husband has a day off work. I use to have friends that called in regularly for a chat and coffee but they have simply stopped doing that so it’s just me myself I. Some days that’s okay and some days the disappointment of being cast aside is overwhelmingly sad. I can no longer float through my days going from task to task. Everything seems an effort but I do get the basic necessities done. Conversation with my darling husband is mostly minimal when I’m here but not here. My mind is often far away wondering about and longing to see my girl. Today I floated, came home and planted 120 garlic bulbs. Tomorrow will be brocolli, kale, broad beans, spinach and lettuce. Often tired and feeling worn out from overthinking. I attended a Carers Group last year but was a waste of time. Nobody could relate to the estrangement situation. Family simply avoid the subject so no support there. I’m also grateful that we have found each other to share our pain, frustration and sorrow. My days are long as lately have been waking at 5.30, a tad early and unable to return to sleep. Sleep is the one thing I look forward to at present as time to switch off my thoughts. ❤️🙏

[Sophia1]

Hello @Krishna 

I have been absent due to falling into a heap.

I wanted to reply to you sooner and realised better to do so when can write something that hopefully makes some sense.

Hopefully lets you know that your situation is probably the closest connection I have had anywhere with a mother and adult child where life and an unwell mind can cause so much pain.

I feel for your anguish at not being able to help as you desperately want to.

Our maternal instinct to love, reach out and support taken away from us by this insidious situation of what happens to our loved ones and their way of survival, incorporating limiting connection when we need.

Those support workers ...good grief...

how can this be I find myself asking over and over..

how can we live in a world where supporting people who are so vulnerable is reduced to mundane shopping and personal care.

How can they not see that getting out into the real world even if only a walk; a trip to somewhere stimulating like a museum or art gallery that costs nothing.

A drive to a beach a place of beauty in nature.

I can go on and on

A visit to a park

A playground sitting on a swing...a slide

anything that is real life!

I get every word that you write.

I will respond to your other post.

please accept a warm hug and allow me to hold you quietly offering acceptance of your grief

Sophia1

[Sophia1]

Oh goodness @Krishna 

I could have written this last reply myself.

Describes almost word for word my own escape into self escape from the outer world.

Every feeling and loss matches mine.

People; carers group hopelessness.

I know that there are others in similar situations.

I also know that they too have lost the will and hope to find in real life a connection where we can feel safe.

A meeting of people where we do not feel as though we cannot have a conversation about what we are living through.

Others cannot understand.

It is nothing like having someone who you live with, or can visit who is medicated whether on and off medication.

It is that knowing that we cannot have the option to visit, ring, see, touch, smell. share real life time with.

The strong likelihood that the situation may never change.

It is not their fault that their minds have turned against them.

They are suffering far too much to carry any blame.

All humans make mistakes.

That is the grief.

The loss is enormous.

The grief becomes insurmountable and it is this that we must learn to live with and whilst it will probably never leave us; learn to live with it.

This is what you offer me someone who recognises the absence as you so aptly have called this thread.

I do.

Yes my dearest @Krishna , darling you called me, you  have already helped me not feel alone with this.

I have been looking for this with groups, organisations, medical, specialists.

How can they give me this?

They cannot.

You have.

So my beautiful @Krishna when I can be I will write to you as my beautiful friend with a heart of gold.

I will not let go of you even when I cannot be here.

I lost you in my helplessness for several years.

I found you again.

I am here, sharing the loss, sharing the love that yearns, the difference that keeps us apart from the real world, the longing, the knowing, the realisation and so very much more.

Hold onto your love for her. Never let anything or anyone take that away from you. That is yours. That is invaluable. That will save you.

I have told mine even when I get told never to say that again..

I reply with I don't care whether you want to hear it or not. I am saying it because it is the truth and nothing will ever change that no matter what you say or do to me. My love for you will never stop. I have had to talk over or received text messages in response that I cannot even speak of when in such a state of psychosis.

I tell myself that is not the person that is the unwell mind. I will not allow that to stay with me.

The unwell mind reaches out to me that is better than nothing even though this is scarce now.

Take care

Please know that I know that you are such a worthy, valuable, loving mum

xxxxx

Sophia1

[Krishna]

My deepest gratitude @Sophia1 for your beautiful touching words. They actually made me weep in a good relief sort of way. It’s been a long few days, the sounds of neighbours coming together with visiting family, laughing. Busy in the village with tourists exploring our little rural space, families. I miss family. I miss sharing time and emotions with family. I received a message from my girl this morning. Not an Easter greeting just a need for money for food. Nothing more as usual. Will this ache ever leave my heart. Will I ever again wake in the morning with something other than her on my mind. Gosh I can’t remember the last time I laughed. I really must work on that. Focus on other aspects of my life that I’m grateful for and find the joy again. I hope you’re doing your best to look after you and find amongst the sadness something to smile about. 🙏❤️🌹

[Sophia1]

Hello Krishna,

Deflating re your daughter.

You must be so used to it by now yet hope everytime perhaps this time..

I can only imagine.

I only get calls or texts for money or reaching out to me through psychosis.

We live on the outskirts of a small country town on top of hills overlooking city.

Has many heritage listed buildings, wineries, antique stores, quirky shops and food stores

Draws tourist crowds, motor car clubs, motor cycle clubs, cyclists tourists in general mid to late week.Has a beautiful park and river.

Some lovely walking trails. A beautiful spot. Everyone loves it.

The locals are not the most welcoming when you move here unless you are related to someone in the graveyard or a farmer; had a relative who went to school her or join the secret art crowd wherever they hide.

I wrote more but feel it is just morbid and morose.

You do not need that.

I hope that you get to wake up with a fresh thought tomorrow morning.

I might try and work on that.

Will share that with you next time no matter how ridiculous

Take care dear Krishna

Sophia 1

[Sophia1]

Good morning @Krishna 

Sun is out today.

I have not walked since last Wednesday. Weather, Easter interruptions.

Going for a walk in an hour.

Need to get my skates on.

Forget my piffle that I sometimes write.

I appreciate the rain as the garden loves rainwater as opposed to the hose connected to the water mains.

Sound of kookaburras who have territory staked out in our park (yes I call it mine or ours across the road)

How about you? Today?

again only reply when up to it.

I get that part only too well

Sophia 1

xx

[Krishna]

Hi @Sophia1 Lovely to read you have sunshine to walk in. Just back from a quick bike ride in between showers. The week just past is a blur actually. The weather has been cold and rainy so in go slow mode which I think is a good thing at times. We have our fire going so settling in for a cosy night. Had a rather drama filled Easter weekend with my girl which has once again taken it’s toll on my mental and emotional health. I had an accupuncture treatment today and some TCM herbs prescribed to calm my spirit which I will start this evening. Just feel like curling up in front of the fire and snoozing but dinner and shower first. Much love Krishna 🙏❤️

[Sophia1]

Hello @Krishna 

Sorry to hear about your Easter drama.

Not a good time for carers.

Not a good time for carers of anyone let alone acute mental health.

Throw in their absence well I need say no more.

It just does not stop does it.

Drama for me Good Friday also. I will not add to your load though.

Extended family lunch on Easter Sunday tension, outdoing each other, entitlement, materialism ...Not me at all. Was glad to leave.

I really do not enjoy these so called family gatherings.

Another one for 2 two year old birthday again tomorrow with another mixture of people all talking over one another. All fake.

I go to support husband. Some of them are nice people. All mixed together it just does not work.

No walk today too wet. Too exhausted.

Yesterday had a walk.

Have met a new neighbour who actually thanked me for stopping and talking to her. We met up again yesterday for a walk.

Can you believe that?

We have so much in common outside of caring role.

I realised that I am not just a carer.

I also passed a young girl with her dog and stopped to say hello as they had talked to me walking past me in my garden a couple of weeks ago. They are new in the area. Single mum and daughter.They said that it was nice to be able to talk to a neighbour.

She was so happy when I said hello again and asked after her mum.

It is not hard is it.

Hope that you can explore some new places on your bike.

Smile at some faces.

Take care

Sophia1 sending you warm, caring love