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Re: Living with absence

Hello @Krishna 


I lost you for quite a while there..

Have had post concussion flare ups mixed in with all that comes with missing adult children..

you know the drift..

I have been trying to write to you all day..

now am worn out from phone calls..

will get back to you when I can..

Not sure where you are at..

Last I read somewhere your daughter was visiting and then your husband was unwell..

Then I lost that thread..


Wherever you are

A tag would be warmly welcomed when and if you are up to it..


blast from the past

Re: Living with absence

Hi @Sophia1 So nice to see you online again. Has been a while since I’ve been on the forums, trying to sort my headspace with the help of a psychologist. My daughter cancelled our reunion so now heading into the 4th year of not seeing her. Weekly phone calls though needing money but nothing more. Back into her old detrimental habits and I’ve just called it quits. Paid off a huge debt for her and no more money being sent. Slowly realised she was prioritising substances over food and I simply cannot and will not enable this any longer. It’s so hard knowing she’s doing it tough but her choices are contributing to this. She receives enough each week to get by. Otherwise my husband and I are both well despite the worry and concern. Not getting any younger and desperate for some peace of mind. My girl has just been approved for a social housing townhouse but won’t share the address at this point but knowing she will have stable affordable  accommodation is a huge relief. Her team are still supporting her 6 hours per week with errands etc. so they kept me informed every now and then of her well being. My garden needs attention although I did grow some beautiful tomatoes etc. this Summer and veggie patch now being prepared for Winter crops. Looking forward to the cool reprieve. I made the effort of driving to the ocean twice a week during Summer to swim and float and ease my mind and will continue to do so until the water becomes too cold. I hope you’re managing okay despite your worries, looking after yourself best you can. 🙏❤️

Re: Living with absence

Thank you @Krishna 


In overwhelm mode at moment...

I know that I can tell you that and not feel judged..

will write more when I can..

In the meantime...

Two by tangible answers...

There is a special flower that has popped up from my bromeliad in my garden house...first time one in there...not even sure if in season..

I will think of you every time that I manage to get there.



Thank you for being here for me even though absence plays a part in our connection as well as that with our adult does not change the meaning of the connection that we have had..

Re: Living with absence

Thank you @Sophia1 your words mean so much. Little tears being shed knowing somebody understands. Truly grateful my friend. 🙏❤️🌹

Re: Living with absence

I understand that feeling you described in your last post to me.



I am in a dark place at the moment.

All the anguish as hopes for some semblance of a life dashed again.


I know that you can relate.

I do not want to pass this on to you though.


a garden where we might meet


Sophia 133c71612f53108a78a50abc843bfeaf9--colorful-flowers-colorful-flower-garden.jpgcornwall uk.jpg


coastline to walk across the clifftops find a path to lead us to some shallow water, wade, swim and relax in peace.



Re: Living with absence

Sitting by your side @Sophia1 in this beautiful garden and floating weightless as feathers together in the ocean. 🙏❤️

Re: Living with absence

Thank you for your beautiful words @Krishna 


I want to share with you that I feel safe over here, in this space that you have created, reading and responding to you.

That is not easy for me to find and feel.

I feel less alone with the lifetime weight of struggling with someone who will only ever truly be able to help himself.

I try to be there for him when I know how where he is and attempt to reach out to help him through others at same time respecting his privacy, dignity and autonomy.

This sometimes works briefly then collapses as the system is really to my mind purely a band aid.

Any hard work and efforts, results no matter how minimal achieve collapse as any glimmer of trust, hope that he gains is wrenched away from him so heartlessly as he faces the cold world.

The world is not equipped for the vulnerable.

The vulnerable make mistakes as they are still human.

They have so much trauma and suffering that remains with them.


Then there are us and we become burnt out.

I am tired of being told that he hates me and I have never loved him or done a single thing for him in his life.

This hurts even though I know it is the illness talking and the next text message that I receive weeks, if not months later is so different.


He lashes out at his dad and I as we keep in touch separately of course no longer together after decades.

He blames us for his not receiving the help that he really needs.

We cannot get him off of the merrygoround where they cannot accept that his illness started from a very young age and its foundations are trauma from kindergarten, school, teasing, cruelty, cruel dad also, the list goes on.

I even recall now he had several injuries that were traumatic as a result of accidents, some concussion and I wonder if there is acquired brain injury from that which of course is labelled as one thing as you know.

We have become the system who has never been there for him. He hates the system through us as the system does not listen is only there under detainment against his will.

How can any human gain from that zero support?

Then there is the grappling with the sending money which I always emphasise,accommodation, clothings, essentials...


I dream that I might win a lottery so that I can take him to a nordic country where they see people as individuals with suffering not label them with illnesses.

They speak to them as a person who has something to offer the world, not a person who has failed again. They given them a voice and they listen and allow them to hopefully feel heard at some stage as they are so very tired of holding themselves up and surviving.


This is a dream. He would never even get a passport these days.


Still missing. Though I have an idea of an area just not type of accommodation or even if only very short term. Only a thought though. I could be way off track.


I hope that this does not dredge up pain for you.

I hope that in sharing my anguish and helplessness it further serves to show you that you also are not alone in this world.

We have shared in the past how very hard it is to find even professionals, family, I don't tell friends, most family either. They are not listeners.


Let me know if you would prefer me not to write about this pain.







Re: Living with absence

Hugs @Sophia1 .


I'm listening. We're listening.

Re: Living with absence

Your words resonate deeply with me @Sophia1 and am always happy to receive communications from you. I’m tired, burnt out and trying my hardest to bring myself back into balance. Turning 59 next week and am tired of the heartache, the worry, concern and fear of what the future holds for my girl. Our relationship has been reduced to her need for money and nothing more. I have little communications from her Acute Care Team or Social Workers these days. Nothing for them to share except that she hasn’t been in hospital for some time so in their opinion is she’s doing well. Existing is not well. So much potential unfulfilled. I doubt I’ll hear from her for my birthday unless she’s skint. Her support workers each week do nothing more than drive her to do grocery shopping and make sure she’s looking after her personal and environmental hygiene. No outings, walks, mental stimulation, social interactions.  There’s so much I could do if only she’d let me. I too would love to win the lottery to buy a small property where she could have her own accommodation, an art studio and animals. All things she loves. I dream. For now, I simply hope that tomorrow will be a better peace filled day with my anxiety and lethargy at bay ❤️🙏🌹


Re: Living with absence

Hugs @Krishna . You are so brave. Just holding on as any mother would. Your girl will not forget you. We are sitting with you.

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