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LouLou0610
Casual Contributor

I guess I always knew the story would be the same with him.

Firstly I just want to say how much I appreciate and respect everyone's journey here. I will admit that I feel like I'm one of the luckier ones that didn't fall prey to being totally consumed by the life of someone with an addiction. When I read other people's experiences on here mine really pales in significance to be honest.

To give a little bit of a back story, I first met this man I'm about to speak of 5 yrs ago. Back then we moved so fast in our dating and relationship hitting many milestones and by 8 months partially even living together for the last 4 months of our relationship. By month 10 I finally realized he had an alcohol addiction and had recently relapsed. He of course tried to hide it as he didn't want to lose me and thought he could try and get on top of it before I clued on.

Anyway during our 1 year together there were so many behaviours that were red flags...... Obviously the drinking (when I finally realized it), prescription pills, addicted to energy drinks and even porn. His communication was crap and he would instantly put a wall up whenever there was an issue that I needed to discuss. He was moody at times too. There was also a very beautiful man hiding underneath all that crap (the one I fell in love with).

Anyway I called the relationship off around the 1 year mark as there were more red flag behaviors that started outweighing goodness in the relationship. I had to be done for my own sanity and that of my daughter (she was only 6 at the time).

Fast forward to a month and a half ago (5 yrs later with absolutely no contact whatsoever), out of the blue he sends me a message in FB Messenger. At first I was thinking, I never reconnect with an ex however 5 yrs is a long time and maybe he has turned his life around for the better. So I responded and we began texting and talking on the phone. It was quite evident that we have a natural connection and there definitely was some feelings there still between us.

One thing I noticed was his communication was 10 times better than 5 yrs ago, in fact it was very evident that the way he spoke and even thought was quite mature and he showed consideration to my feelings and thoughts which totally blew me away. He was in a great well paying job too which he loves and treats as his number 1 priority to the point he would make sure he was in bed by 8pm each night as he was always up very early and had to be alert as he was driving a forklift and couldn't risk making a mistake which I also admired in him.

One night we were on the phone and I just had a hunch he was kind of slurring his words. I asked him if he was still drinking 5 yrs on and he was brutally honest and said yes, he drinks beer. He also divulged that he smokes a bong every day after work until his bedtime. At that moment although I appreciated his honesty I was extremely disappointed. In 5 yrs I guess I had expected him to have had growth and become a healthier version of himself and moved away from his addictions.

He said that Covid and isolation had not helped and he had obviously not felt motivated enough to make those changes. I told him that if we were to ever explore a relationship in the future again that those things would need to be worked on (the drinking to completely stop) and the weed intake to be reduced over time. He agreed that he would obviously want to work on those areas as he wanted to win my heart..... I had no reason really to not believe him so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

We went out for dinner and even on another occasion spent a weekend together close to home at a hotel (which he paid for everything). We had a great time, reconnected physically, talked alot, went for walks, went on a Jet Boat Thrill ride and ate brunches and dinner.

I knew before the weekend away that he was still 5 yrs on drinking. He tried to make me believe it was under control but that he just wanted to be like a normal person who could have one.

โ€‹โ€‹โ€‹โ€‹โ€‹โ€‹However he literally was drinking from the minute he got home from work each day (3pm - 7.30pm) as well as smoking his bong and getting high. Over this 6 weeks of reconnection I feel like it may of gotten worse. So I stopped having phone calls with him because I just couldn't bare to listen to his voice when he was under the influence of weed and alcohol. I told him this as well in a text conversation one night. He said he felt the most connected to me when he was drinking and smoking, I told him I felt the most disconnected when he was drinking and smoking, sad really.

I am a woman that has my **** together. In 5 yrs I have had amazing growth. I have been on 3 overseas holidays with my daughter, bought a house, reached 10 yrs in a job, got a payout for long service leave and found another more satisfying job. I joined a gym and look and feel the healthiest I have ever been, I watch what I eat, eat healthy and barely drink any alcohol except for socially out celebrating a Birthday or something which is only every couple of months and even when I do that the most I will have in a night is a cocktail and maybe 2 glasses of wine, I'm never drunk! I don't do any drugs of any kind, don't smoke cigarettes, don't suffer from depression and don't pop any prescription pills. The total opposite of him!

I struggled to see how our lifestyles matched up really, we had no compatibility in that area whatsoever. Sometimes I'd sit and think how he would possibly blend in with my friends and in particular my gym friends as quite clearly he was on a different path (drinking after work each day and smoking weed). Still he said he isn't perfect and he was willing to try and get on top of those things to ensure things would work out for us as a future couple, that he needed time to make the changes and that we needed to go slow and not get serious so soon(obviously because he knew making changes would take time) he didn't want either of us feeling pressured (probably he was mostly referring to himself here).

So I tried to stick with it. The first 2 and a half weeks of texting conversation was great, we both spoke deeply about most things however at the 2 and a half mark something very bizarre started to happen slowly...... He started sending me poems and rhymes. At first I thought okay that's cool. He told me he loves writing rhymes (never knew that about him 5 yrs ago in the year that we were together and never once heard a single rhyme from him then). Anyway as time went on, he was sending more of them and he was telling me how much he loves hip hop and rap and that he is amazing at writing these rap rhymes. More than half of them never made much sense to me and it was always like a cryptic puzzle trying to work out the meaning behind them as he said there was always a meaning in them and that I just needed to try harder to understand them. I tried but it was difficult. These rhymes would be texted to me after work so obviously he was writing them while drinking and being stoned. His morning texts before he started work were always normal and lovely!

As the weeks progressed he was sending me rhymes every day and I just couldn't connect to him through them which would in turn slightly frustrate him and he would feel like I didn't like them or appreciate that part of him. Then he would send me hardcore rap songs that he loved but I disliked (I told him rap/hip hop) was not a genre of music I liked but I respected that he liked it and having differences was okay, we didn't have to like the same things. Still he would literally be ramming them down my throat and most of what he was sending was in German (he is German) so I couldn't even understand what the artist was even rapping about. He then said one day he wants to buy some music equipment and start a YouTube channel rapping. Now I don't mean to knock him and I obviously never told him this but he cannot rap to save his life but in his mind he really believes he is amazing at it.

On the way home from our weekend away I swear in the car I felt totally invisible to him. He out on his rap music which was in the German language, turned it up loud and didn't really make a hell of alot of conversation, it was like he totally zoned out and didn't even ask me if I would like to perhaps have a turn in listening to a song that I liked. I felt it was rude. He got easily irritated by other drivers on the road which I couldn't help but notice and he at one point got so frustrated with the cars on the road that he weaved in and out and sped up at times like a complete nutcase. He dropped me off home 30 mins later, came inside to use my toilet, kissed me goodbye and said he better get going to beat any traffic (he lives 45 mins from me) and left.

That night he rings me and wanted to say goodnight however I couldn't take the call as my daughter was right next to me so I texted and told him that. I sent a voice message instead so I put my earphones on to listen and he was clearly drunk abd obviously high. He was slurring his words so badly and really wasn't making too much sense at times, I was extremely saddened.

He obviously just couldn't wait to get home and drink alcohol and smoke weed (probably explains his irritability on the road on the journey home) because obviously that's all he really wanted in that moment - to feed his addiction craving since he had gone 2 days and a night without any of it for our weekend together.

It was in that moment that I realized that even him having an amazing weekend without the alcohol and weed abd seeing how great our life together could be without those substances was not enough for him to make a change..... I had to accept right there and then that he was an active alcoholic and really the goodness of me was really not enough for him to turn words into action.

The next day he texted me to ask what Saturday would suit me best to catch up.

I checked ny diary but also asked him which Saturday he preferred. I specifically gave him 2 dates to choose from and he was unable to answer normally. Instead I get a multitude of rhymes that make no sense. I get frustrated in the end and told him "oh my god, can you just please pick a date babe, simple question, I don't need a poem to decipher"

He responds with more ridiculous rhymes and I say "omg, nevermind, let me know a date when you can be bothered answering properly, night."

He responds with " if you can't read this, never happening"

Me responds with " I just want a normal answer but all good"

He says: " No! You just want normal answers all the time. Not fine with me, can't you ****** see!? Seriously bumblebee, whatever, text me when you understand and are better.

Damn you have no ****** idea what you got, never mind I'll stop, I know I rock, no beautiful girl, I'm on top! I need a break, don't understand why you keep me up, for **** sake, hmmm, really, figure this rhyme out, I should be in bed, still misunderstood, don't worry I'm good! No errors, my loss, bye, I'll make sure I will fly.

The next day I got no goid morning message from him, no messages at all. I didn't message either. Was the first day since reconnecting that we never messaged each other. The next day I sent him this:

Hey T, Happy Friday.

Hey I know things left off pretty crappy on Wednesday night, I'm sure you have probably been feeling uneasy about it all just as much as what I have been considering we connected so deeply back in July when we started reconnecting again and then had our amazing weekend away last weekend. Such a shame really!

I do think that we need to get real about some stuff though, one of them being your drinking outside of work. I'm not trying to get you all fired up with this but the drinking is damaging our connection together and we aren't going to make it unless you give it up completely.

Perhaps you need to work on that part of yourself first before trying to invest in you and I as a romantic couple.

I don't want to abandon you during this because you did say you needed time to move through this process of quitting the alcohol. I said I would support you through this and I still want to but I think while I do that we must just stay at a friendship level. No romantic stuff, just friends. I don't want to give my heart to you while you are clearly having a drinking issue. When you quit the bottle that is when we can start turning it into a proper romantic connection.

Until then lets maintain our friendship. Hopefully one day the timing will be right for us to be more but it needs to be without the bottle. That's my standard and expectation if we are ever to have a romantic relationship.

If you really want us to be together in the future you will find a way to work on this as soon as possible.

I hope you understand that I'm only trying to protect myself from being hurt here. I want us to work out but once again it seems the timing is off, you need to move away from the alcohol completely and step up here, I will accept nothing less.

If you don't want this anymore then I respect that. Just let me know what you want to do x

He responded to this later that day with:

"This is my last text and a very quick reply. You have so many issues in your head. I don't want to be with a woman that can only be with me if I change.

You go and change your problems, see how you like that having someone constantly in your ear!

Goodbye, I'd rather stick with my weed and beer! I got no fear. That's why this ends here.

You couldn't wven appreciate my rhymes, not many people have this kind of talent. I only have good times. I don't think you will ever find the right guy, bad boy or shy. You are impossible to be with, and now you want me off everything that makes me ME, can't you see? Not gonna happen. I will continue my rapping and in the future people will be stepping to the rhythm of my beat. No more heat, last rhyme this time, I'll be fine, so will you be, no longer my bumblebee, no kisses and no text, you will stay as my ex.

I wished him all the best in one small sentence and thanked him for at least replying.

He then blocked me on messenger, Facebook and the phone for texting. Why I will never know?

The end! He rejected me ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ

8 REPLIES 8

Re: I guess I always knew the story would be the same with him.

Hey there @LouLou0610 

 

Welcome to the forums! Gosh what a reconnection it was with the ex! It sounds like you really do have your sh** together. Good on you! So to be honest, it's probably for the best that he's blocked you from his life. It sounds like you don't need that sort of stuff in your life. Thanks for sharing your story!

 

Hanami 

Re: I guess I always knew the story would be the same with him.

Hi @LouLou0610,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. Thank you for sharing your story with us - it sounds like you have been through quite a journey with your ex.

I guess at the end of the day addiction can be a lifelong struggle. Not everyone has the ability or the desire to quit their addictions. Maybe he does not see his issues with weed and alcohol to be problematic. It does seem like a shame because it sounded like outside these issues you had real potential to be a great couple. What I have learned as I've got older is that the only person that can change is the person themselves. If he doesn't want to change (doesn't think he needs to) he won't change. Changing bad habits for other people can led to resentment and more problems from what I've seen. The desire to change needs to come from within and then if others support you around that change, that is great. I guess it could be compared to your motivation to go to the gym, go on holidays etc. At the end of the day you were the reason that happened based on your own motivation. 

It seems unfortunate because you both sound like good people with what could have been a lot of potential but you seem to have some different ideals and perspectives on life. Hopefully you can stay friends and one day, who knows, perhaps he will overcome his addictions and you will meet up again. I really believe when it comes to the important things in life it's important to know what your non-negotiables are. I think they help set a good foundation of what you want or need in life.

I wish you all the best.

Warm regards,

FloatingFeather

Re: I guess I always knew the story would be the same with him.

Thanks Hanami. Obviously I'm not perfect but I do well in life and am a happy person, making sure I live life to the fullest and am being a great Mum to my 10 yr old daughter. 

 

I know deep down its for the best that he blocked me but boy does that sting after telling me for 6 weeks how important I was to him and tjat he has my back and a mountain of other amazing stuff, I was literally discarded the minute I voiced my expectations of what I needed. That actually hurts.

Re: I guess I always knew the story would be the same with him.

Thankyou Floating Feather.

 

It is a damn shame that things couldn't work out. I really cared about him, I still do.

 

I think in his mind he thinks he can change, its like a flash goes through his brain and he gets this idea to change but its such a fleeting short lived notion that disappears just as quickly as what it came. 

 

Obviously he doesn't want to be my friend as he blocked me everywhere. I cannot communicate with him at all due to the blocking to see if he is at least okay. Hopefully he is.

 

Maybe this really does need to be the end of our story, it seems like it needs to be this way. 

Re: I guess I always knew the story would be the same with him.

We hear you @LouLou0610 ,

 

Just a quick note, you can type @in front of member's names so that they receive a notification.

 

@FloatingFeather @hanami , I believe the above messages were for you ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Looking forward to reading about your experiences. Hopefully you'll be able to find some connection and support here on the forums.

 

Kindest, tyme

Re: I guess I always knew the story would be the same with him.

Thankyou @tyme

Re: I guess I always knew the story would be the same with him.

You've shown such great @LouLou0610 in being able to 'bounce back' from these events. I'm not saying they haven't hurt, but your courage, strength and resilience is definitely something admirable! I really appreciate the time and energy you have spent in sharing your story with us.

 

tyme

Re: I guess I always knew the story would be the same with him.

@tyme The first few days were hard because it just seemed so unfair. I was doing everything to try and understand from reading about alcoholism to reading others experiences. At one point I was going to write something to him and ask his ex (mother of his kids who I am friends with) to send the text on my behalf since I'm blocked. By the time I got home from work and read more stories from other people I soon realized that would be a huge mistake and stopped myself. Since that moment I have become stronger in my ability to just accept he will never be my person, he wasn't 5 yrs ago and he isnt now nor will he ever be.

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