Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Dax_dog]

Hi, Are there any wives of hoarders out there? I would love to hear from you and how you survive in this horrific situation. Although I'm his carer I admit I would leave if I could, but because the house is mine I'd have to pay that mortgage or be in worse trouble and rent for wherever I went to live, whihc there's just no way I could afford to do. How do other people survive living in the squalor that this disorder (he's also bi polar) brings? I just don;t know where to turn any more. Thanks.

[Missy]

Hi Dax Dog,
I'm in the same boat. My husband buys things on eBay, collects from roadside clean ups, visits op shops etc. we've been married 12 years and I do love him but it's so hard. I survive (just) because I'm a Christian and I figure it's not something he does deliberately. I just try to hang in there, work around the mess and love him. If anyone can suggest a better approach ....
Missy

[Dax_dog]

Hi Missy

Are you in Australia? There must be heaps of us around. I was feeling particuarly miserable when I wrote in, and like you know that it's the illness and not voluntary (well, not altogether) but very, very hard to live with.

Loved it when Hoarders came on TV because it was like coming out of the closet - I'd joke that we looked just like the hoarders on TV but at least our cats were alive and healthy (referring to the episode where the cats skeletons were found at the clean up - missed that show - work, so don't get to see that many - but it relaxes the situation as people get embarrased. They just can't believe that people can live like that.)Feel so ashamed though in reality. My kids (we're in our 60s) can't believe  their mother can live like it (also been with this husband about 13 years) and won't bring my grandkids round for safety reasons (not that i could handle having people see it that close up). A support group would be fantastic - any takers? Thanks for replying Missy. Is there anyone else out there? PS Ebay should be BANNED!!

[NikNik]

Hi @Dax_dog  & @Missy 

Welcome both to the forums.

Dax_dog, thank you so much for raising this. You both are the first to raise the topic of hoarders.

If you don't mind me asking you both, what type of services/professionals (if any) have you had experience with? Were any useful?

Again, welcome both to the forums & sharing your experiences.

NikNik

[JT]

Hi Dax_dog and Missy.  I don't have a spouse but I do have a father who hoards (though I have to say he's not in the severe range so no one sees it as a problem yet) but I have a son who would have the house full of anything and everything we have ever owned if I let him!!!!  I know a few people who do hoard quite severely so I'm looking forward to watching  this topic 

Just a question, do your spouses watch the hoarding shows with you?  If they do what's their thoughts on them?

[Missy]

Hi
This Christmas has been my hardest yet. We couldn't host any social get togethers because there's no where to sit in the house or garden and to humiliating to let people see how we live. So when we went for a few days to a "normal" holiday house at a place where 3 other families I knew were staying I invited them over - no one came. Pretty lame excuses. One lady carefully told me later that she found my husband too difficult to deal with so hadn't come.
I'm feeling totally defeated by the isolation, the squalor of the house and the shame of my association with him. He was diagnosed many years ago, he tells me with Borderline personality disorder - but he says that was wrong - it was depression. What I've read about It though - difficult, manipulative, narcissistic, fits him totally. He won't ever change will he? I'll be subject to him telling me I'm the one with the problem and hearing his negative rantings about everyone and everything for years to come. Is it bad behaviour? Is it something he can change? Really need some help here. My friends switch off and say "leave him" when I try to debrief. and when I've threatened my husband with leaving in the past he shrugs then later makes a rash of promises he doesn't keep about tidying up - or worse he churns the stuff and packs it tighter AND wants praise for what he's done.
Anything anyone can say - gratefully received.
Missy.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Missy 

I'm sorry to hear that Christmas time was hard for you. You are sound like a very patient and understanding person. 

The question you raise, 'is it something that he can change?' Is a big question. It's hard to find answers for that. No one can be certain of how someone will behave in the future. What I do understand, however, is that for someone to change, they need to first acknowledge that's there's an issue, and then have the motivation to change it. From what you've written, it seems that at the moment, your husband is fairly closed off to making changes. No one can really know if and when he'll be ready to change, but you can start looking at ways you can make some changes to improve the situation. Seeking support (as you have done by posting on here) can be helpful. There's a few angencies that provide support to carers such as ARAFMI. Also Relationship Australia can provide counselling for issues within relationships

Also, you might find this dicussion, 'what if they don't want help' helpful. In this discussion, members, @Cazzie @GivingMick about some of the difficulties they have had with their partner not wanting help. I wonder if they could offer their perspectives?

@mountain who wrote this post may have some insights to provide. While her partner does not have an issue with hoarding, she shares some similarities with you in that her partner would not make changes, so she started to set boundaries and make changes for herself. @mountain any words of advice for @Missy.

  I wonder if @Dax_dog is about to provide some advice.

[Dax_dog]

Hi Missy

Sorry you've had such a lousy Christmas. I would have liked to have had your post in front of me so I could answer through it, but it doesn't seem to work that way. It sounds as if your husband is hard to get along with on top of the hoarding but I'm not wildly impressed by your friend! My kids give me a very hard time, but my friends are really supportive. We had Christmas at my only really supportive daughter's place (she also happens to be the one in Brisbane) so that problem didn't come up, although as I've said before, none of them will come round anyway because of the safety issues. No, there's nowhere for anyone to sit - I do all my work lying on the bed (as now). I'm trying to reclaim my office to make my life a bit easier this coming year - I nearly go nuts trying to run my business from bed!

I'm a member of ARAFMI (going to a workshop this Monday - can only go during the holidays). It's on keeping boundaries - would be very useful for you too, I would think. I'm sure there'd be a place for you at it, even though it's so late. I've been to other boundary ones but find I need the "booster" when I can. Have also been to Carers Queensland workshops. On the whole though, I tend to try and use humour. I mentioned the cat one in my first post. I also joke that I have the greatest excuse not to cook as we don't have a kitchen (can only get at microwave and jug), don't have to vacuum as I can't find the floor, and so on. I don't think I'd stay sane if I didn't try and make light of it. I'm not sure how I can contact you to give the details about the workshop on Monday but maybe we can work something out on the board. It would be great for you, I'm sure. Get back to me.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Dax_dog  and @Missy,

Just going to quickly chime in to address a few point in Dax_dog's post:

• Firstly, thanks for a wonderfully informative and supportive post @Dax_dog. 
• I'm not sure what happened with not being able to view Missy's post while you wrote your response. Usually, the post that you reply to is availble below the editing box, so you can scroll down to view the post that you are replying to, and then scroll up to write. Not sure if this differs on tablets, types of computers and mobiles though. Anyone else have this issue, or can anyone shed some light?
• I think the setting boundaries course sounds great. Unfortunately, we don't have a private messaging system, and based on the community guidelines, members cannot share information that will reveal their location or identity. I'm afraid this includes sharing details of a course that you are going to attend. What I could suggest however, is for Missy to get in contact with ARAFMI to see what other courses are availble. We also have a moderator, @Hobbit, from ARAFMI that might be able to provide some referrals that you might want to contact on here, @Missy .

Thanks again for the great info @Dax_dog!

CB   

[Dax_dog]

Yes,he has watched the odd one  with me but just doesn't see himself as the same. Our bathroom and loo are perfectly normal, as I can have control over them so they're obsessively spotless, as is MY side of the bedroom, so that's his "out" from the programmes. The fact that I haven't been able to go downstairs for about 8 or 9 years, that he hasn't been able to get into his office, that there is no room in the kitchen to cook (no stove for untold years), and that my office was starting to be taken over, not to mention the goat track through the lounge or the fact that I haven't seen the dining room table for also about 8 or 9 years doesn't seem to register. His reason? The house is too small, doesn't have storage - and so on! The fact that there is also a huge shed chokka, a caravan, a truck and a small shed,plus what's in the yard! But they are still a good show for me to use with my warped sense of humour!!