Looking after ourselves
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โ28-01-2023 06:45 PM
โ28-01-2023 06:45 PM
Re: ๐ป
I'm sorry SANE & @tonys if that is an inapropriate thing to say. I am always getting in trouble for saying the wrong things. Are you really my friend tonys. I feel like you might be the only real friend I have.
I don't think I'm allowed to disclose my living situation. I have been told this is not a crisis forum.
I have crisis contacts. There is no accommodation available. The best they can offer me right now is daily safety phonecalls. If I don't answer then people come here & do welfare check on me.
I don't know what you or anyone can possibly do to help me. I have to keep asking until I can the right person to finally listen to me.
I don't know if this is appropriate or I shouldn't be writing this. I don't understand the rules. I believe in you. I believe you are really my friend. Will you help me? I really need help. Please.
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โ28-01-2023 06:49 PM
โ28-01-2023 06:49 PM
Re: ๐ป
Thankyou @Jynx for supporting me. I feel confused about what I am allowed to write on here or to another person. I am confused about boundaries. Thankyou for listening to me.
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โ28-01-2023 06:54 PM - edited โ28-01-2023 06:55 PM
โ28-01-2023 06:54 PM - edited โ28-01-2023 06:55 PM
Re: ๐ป
Any time @maddison - having a lil poke around the guidelines can help. And you can always ask - the mods and our members are very happy to help. And if you're not sure if you can ask here, you can always email us - team@saneforums.org. No stupid questions, I promise.
(Edit: Just to clarify, I mean there's no such thing as a 'stupid question' when it comes to helping out our members ๐ )
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โ28-01-2023 07:17 PM
โ28-01-2023 07:17 PM
Re: ๐ป
I'll email you @maddison - you're not in trouble, just want to provide some clarity and support you as best I can ๐
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โ28-01-2023 11:05 PM
โ28-01-2023 11:05 PM
Re: ๐ป
and YOU are good for me @maddison you express yourself in ways that feel similar to many of my experiences but I would not use the same words. I just find it good to reflect on.
Women are often socialised into taking care of others. Take care of you at the moment, and maybe some cats... lol
Hope you sort out the mods thing, dont worry too much, I still like and relate to your intensity.
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โ28-01-2023 11:56 PM
โ28-01-2023 11:56 PM
Re: ๐ป
Thanks @Appleblossom I'm happy you think I'm good for you. That's big.
I'm having an awkward night - please excuse if things are coming out wrong.
I'm self conscious that I'm using the wrong words now. I can't use your words tho, can I - I will have to stick by mine.
And I would describe your words in the same way. I find I need to process at times. I don't understand everything you write. In this moment I'm feeling like I understand nothing. Yes, mentally deleted...I meant depleted.
You wrote 'keep being me' I thought it was really cool & uplifting. 15 mins later I panicked - I don't know who me is.
There is some good not knowing. I could be anyone?! Maybe..? ....Or am I already me, cloudy?
Thankyou for encouraging me to take care of myself. Thankyou for letting me express myself to you.
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โ29-01-2023 09:41 AM
โ29-01-2023 09:41 AM
Re: ๐ป
I know I have lived with my head in the clouds and in books and my words come from there rather than feeling talk. @maddison I do have feelings but always had to shut them down. There is the long word 'dissociation' I came across studying theory and psychoanalysis. It has come more popular these days, and probably applies to me a lot, but I still always had feelings whatever I was going through.
When I was young and people spoke of finding themselves I did not have a clue what they were talking about and kept things polite and matter of fact.
You do feelings well. I did a course called Desire and Discourse at uni and tend to put things in those kind of terms. I may not have been allowed to speak my experiences or feelings but at the BIG school was taught all these things, so surely they are right Huh? Not mad and bad like me and my family.
Then I learned the word "individuation" 'ah that is what I need to do' and I learned to put the word "I" in my thoughts.
I went out last night with a lovely lady who is very expressive and enjoyed being with her and being calm in the background and dancing and jazzing it up a little for fun.
Being you ... is not an order ... we can often lose our mojo ... or whatever... but it does come back.
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โ29-01-2023 01:37 PM
โ29-01-2023 01:37 PM
Re: ๐ป
A little random self expression๐ป...๐ค no guidlines crossed.
Troy
You can tell me anything
You can tell me
You are here
You can see
You can hide
You can come out
You don't need to be shy
You love me
You are safe
With me
You are strong
You are brave
You are the bravest person I've ever known
You take your time
You go slow
And you wait to see
You are faith
I need
Becoz I don't always see
You
Help, guide, protect
Me
I'm in you now
As you in me
Feels like it rained last last
It rained
Feels like it did
I write it feels anxiety
Can I push through
The medications
Increasing
What makes me nervous
Why do I fear
Babies fear 2 things
Loud noises
And falling
Am I falling
Am I screaming
I'm scared of my words
They come out of me
I could say anything
Am I scared to be heard
I didn't know that
It wasn't only for me
I'm scared to be frightened
I hate all this me
I hate I don't know
I hate I can't breath
I hate everyday
I look in the mirror
New pimples on me
I can't take sedation
I can't eat junk
I want clear skin
I don't want to wear make up
To be pretty
I am prettier with the makeup
I like who I see
Mascara on blonde lashes
Lip liner on smallish lips
Foundation to even
Uneven complexion
My hair
Not been to a hairdresser
For 20 years
Do I need a trim?
My hair never sits right
I wear it up to hide
A messy do
Strands pretty
I create
An alibi
I'm better than you
Jewellery
Perfume
Diamonds I love
I have good things
I'm sad I never had
Flawless skin
My body, skin divine
Perfect white golden tone
My eyes big green
Gold black blue grey
What colour am I
I'm glad I'm not black
How could I think that
The dark skin
I love & I'm racist
I'm homophobic
I like some
Actually, I find transgender
Appealing
The spirit & hell
I'm not the right person
Safe in white
White butterflies are
Not so bright
The coloured ones
Fast smart
Powerful
Tricky
My stupid friend
I hate him
What tea did he make me?
He is black
Or White
In my way
Asking for a hug
I yell no
And leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone Leave me alone LEAVE ME ALONE
F..K OFF
YOUR IN MY WAY
I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU
YOU WON'T LET ME FEEL PEACE
YOU ALWAYS DISTURB ME
I HATE THAT YOU MAKE ME
CONFUSED, NOTHING, WEAK
I ASK YOU TO DO
YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME
STOP TALKING
STOP TALKING
YOU TALK OVER ME
You love me?
I love you?
You love the sh.t out me
I couldn't look
Re direct
Let me be free instead
You raise your voice
Mean, anger hate
I can't respond now
You try harder
Get insecure
Want it from me
I feel guilt
And then you betray me
Like I'm nothing to you
It's easy to walk away
Why hope
And give more
Waiting for you
I have to please you
To connect with flow
I'm walking away
Where is my home
You are my home
And who is right
And who is wrong
Alone I know me
Alone I'm strong
It's only cause your not around
I probably think I'm happy now
There's no perfect life
Only life
The grass isn't greener
Accept this & you will be free
Be grateful and you will be thankful
There IS a perfect life
There IS a dream
The GRASS next to me
I laid on the grass
In the sky
I thought of God
And why God is in the sky
A metaphor
For She
I try to understand God
The Bible - it sounds judgey
I found Hare Krishna
Have anything you need
I only want you to be happy
I asked Hare Krishna
A lifetime supply
That day, a phone call
And now I'm high
Mala makes sense
Repeat 108
Meditation on
Hare Krishna
Hare Krishna
Krishna Krishna
Hare Hare
Hare Rama
Hare Rama
Rama Rama
Hare Hare
Thoughts can escape
I get bored
Tulsi
Holy Basil
Krishna
My only tea
Garlic is not allowed
What will unfold
I'm waiting again
Waiting to see
Unstable IVO
Drugs or me?
Waiting for my house
Waiting on the list
Waiting till they remove him
I wonder what I'll miss
Locked in my room
His body moves past me
I feel fear, his intimidation
Anger in his energy
He asks 'am I still leaving?'
'Will he be alone?'
I respond 'Why are you asking?'
He says, 'I just want to know.'
I get angry
'That's not an answer,
I need honest, direct
You want to play words games
And get in my head.'
I am autistic
I need straight words
He doesn't listen
Can't comprehend
Doesn't get it
And now he begins to YELL
Will he hurt me
Is he weak at the core
Curl up and cry
Or do I even know this person
At all?
Imagine to live
In this uncertain way
I can't breath here
They gave me bugs
And cockroaches
They say I'm high risk
No that's not acceptable
Why did you put me there?
What bullsh*t is this.
You made it unsafer
My predicament worse
Courage to leave
I trusted your support
And now you call me
Every day
And check in
Warn me of danger
Not listen to me.
Safe Steps
Temp housing
This is my option
Abuse I choose now
I've been forgotten.
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โ29-01-2023 08:02 PM
โ29-01-2023 08:02 PM
Re: ๐ป
@Appleblossom hello appleblossom. Thankyou for your lovely message. I didn't get any messages today.
I am literally in the middle of all sorts of trouble. It's probably not safe to go into detail. Another plan has evolved as a result. More intense work I have to do tomorrow now. I'm running out of options & time. God I want this to be over. I need him gone. I need a safe place for me & cats. That is all. Why is it all so wobbly. I have things balanced so precariously, one wrong move, misguided action, it could all fall on top of me.
I have to be stealthy in my escape. I don't know what tomorrow like. The uncertainty is difficult.
I had a lady call me now. Support, to see if I'm ok & what the situation is here. They will call again in the morning. It helps lots.
I am self focused appleblossom. I can't relax too much right now. One thing that stood out in your letter was 'suggestion' to be me. I loved that - it made so much sense to me. I need to look up the word you mentioned too. I know it will help me.
I have to be quiet & sign off for now.
Hope you have a lovely night.
Thankyou for thinking of me
@EternalFlower hello. Thankyou for supporting my poem. It made me feel good. Hope you are well & at least we made it thru the weekend!! Thankyou all for helping me . And there it is..xx
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โ29-01-2023 10:39 PM
โ29-01-2023 10:39 PM
Re: ๐ป
Thank u for Ur poem @maddison I liked it
I know a bit about ivos and court ....I don't think they helped me much ...i hope u get us much support as u can...I know u will find the right way out. It's a lot, though, I acknowledge.