🌻

[tyme]

I hope you are okay @maddison . I'm sorry to hear how tough things are.

Please take care. I'm here if you want a chat.

[maddison]

3rd cat cafe out from under bed. She is timid & sniffing around so that is good. She rubbed her head against chair leg😻 they are worried, displaced. They are being so good.

@tyme @tonys @EternalFlower 

[maddison]

So difficult @tyme am ok. Feels very weird. I have things I need. I don't think I'll sleep tonight. 

[maddison]

There are bugs here @EternalFlower I'm not wanting to get in the sheets. It's yuck. I'm used to my yuck. This is is unfamiliar. 

2 cats doing ok. 3rd cat not accepting. I'm not sure she should.

I only wish it was cleaner & I felt at ease. I don't even know this suburb. I want to open a window because it feels gross. They don't have any screens.

I have a tv & a jug. No cooking. No microwave. I have a fridge & cockroach. There is no way I can get under the sheets. Why didn't I pack a sheet?

I'm getting asthma. It could be anxiety, I think it's the dirt.

[maddison]

Super heavy @tonys I don't know. It was expected. Not easy. Maybe I'm so low, I could read you. Maybe neither of us liked lies. I assume I took my pm meds. I have no memory. I suppose I see what you are doing. It does not feel fun or good. It feels sad & full. Slippery stones. I know now who laid them. It wasn't you. They were me. I had to find the perfect alibi. You took all the punches, more than you could bare. I'm sorry. Don't tell me not to get down on myself, typical tonys, wants to lighten everyone's burdens. It's the truth I know in you. Not me, ok?  Can I tell you - maybe I never really did anything good in my life - you did. No one really saw you. I know. This is for you now. You cared & gave. I'm not the first person to direct misgivings - I'm the one who directed indiscriminate anger, worse.

You are innocent. I see. You must let me own my travesties. No cushions ok? I am good. I know I'm good. I need to piece my puzzle alone. We both know. I want you there almost as much as you want to be here. It wouldn't be right. I can't keep anaesthetising my truths & you are the kindest, most gentle, giving life guard I can see. Don't drown my friend. I want you to drown with me, or instead of me. Don't enable my needs , broken dreams , the price you pay is too much. Yes, I am worry the effort, & you see. I'm not for you heal.

[EternalFlower]

Hi @maddison is accom women's only ? It sounds so like U don't have basics....I wouldn't have thought to bring clean sheets either 

I used to bring just my own towel but stopped doing that 

Poor cats they sound scared. And just one mug ? It is very hard and disappointing. 

[maddison]

Oh @EternalFlower ! Thanks for message..hello  The accom. dirty. I left. Cockroach on pillow when I woke up. Cat was terrified. Too many non negotiables. I came back to usual residence. Cat is eating again - not enough. I couldn't do it too her any longer. Cat is way happier & that makes me happy. My neighbour didn't have any clothes. I gave her my good hoodie, food shopping & money. She gave me one of the nicest hugs I've had in long time. 

Not female only. Dodgy motel. I understand it's crisis accom. I feel bad complaining. It was a dirty, filthy room with a tv. 

I felt very alone & hypervigilant. I had the TV on the whole time. I could not focus for a second. It all felt not real. I was meant to stay for few days & then get moved to much nicer accom. 

I need things planned properly. It's not only me. The animals are my priority. I'm mama - babies, animals, I choose their lives, & mine.

[maddison]

Hi again @tonys  I'm in a smoother head frame now. Your letter to me was profound, with your slippery stones, valleys, protection & pleads of small steps for you. Your mind is very s t r a n g e. ..I love it..... completely confused. Tell me more about this strange mind.

Now, I happened to glance - & I don't know if I've ever laughed so much 

My brain was wired upside down by someone who should have pulled a sicky.......

I thought about you sick in bed...our posts.. letters.. balancing precariously as it strikes midnight. 

I found a small sparkle in my heart 💓 & wanted to share with you as you build your strength & recover.

Btw - happy you are mending. I have been sending you good wishes. Oh, I think I may have a new opening for you... You have been upgraded to muse⭐ I've never had a muse. 

https://youtu.be/y83x7MgzWOA 

https://youtu.be/kTJczUoc26U 

https://youtu.be/kXfOiQf37Dw 

https://youtu.be/PwB56IYDfWs 

It's your recovery playlist.

Love. Be Well❤️❤️

[EternalFlower]

Hi @maddison I had tried to get into crises accom once....they discouraged me even from going and tried to instead suggest I find accom where they pay your first month 

That sounds not ok, cockroach and scary people 

But on the other hand....you are trying ....like stepping stones....I hope the next will be more solid....

In glad ur cats are ok, and ur back at ur residence 

You tried.... Sounds like U have found some support to get you to safety. Needed.

I am grateful for U for being here and sharing 💓

[tonys]

Hello  @maddison ..    I always leave your letter till last because you  are the person  I  worry about the most,    I  am the least equipped to find the missing pieces of puzzles.

I can only share the vail scrapes of life experience that keep me alive,  and tell you that I am sharing and thinking of you while the rest of the world sleeps.  and hoping  you  find refuge and answers in your sleep.

I  look back at days gone by and know that I spent way to much on regret.. . .   You cant by anything with regret...   To spend on it is  futile.

I look back only to try and not forget my mistakes...   To  forget is to repeat.

There were words of an awakening,  in your last letter to me.   I   saw  strength in the sadness,    Many  times   I  have had to cry my way to a new dawn...  The  new  rays of  sunshine will always  dry  the tears  and allow  you  another chance  to look in the  mirror.

Do  you see now   why   time and again  speak of mirrors....    

Many people,  much advice,  recycled words,  over and over,.....

   For  me it  was only  a  reckoning with my self,    eyes to eyes  in that old mirror,  Facing my limitations,  accepting,     I  will never just wash my face in the morning and walk away.

Its  the one chance each new day to ask the big ......    and small ...questions of your self 

We  all  love you madisson......    I  love you my friend.       Tonys   moon base one