Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

Am hearing you @LizzieLou  so frustrating.

I have noticed that when a person is well supported at home, they do better, however the bulk of the caregiving falls on a single carer who often ends up with carer burnout.   So we start again with a new pdoc or caseworker and it again takes time for them to learn that our observations are actually factual and are not exaggerated by our own fears or stress, sadly in a lot of reported cases this can be at the expense of early intervention or optimal care.  

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hearing you too @LizzieLou .  My soon2bX's addictions are so extreme that they were behind anyone believing me, until proof emerged, after the long-term damage of invalidation was done. By that I don't mean to me, although that was substantial ..... I mean to him, and our family. and the life we used to have.  He is still really sick with them, but they masquerade as norms within society when you don't have the inside view of what they actually are.  Me not being listened to meant they got way out of hand and the issues are well and truly embedded.  We have lost the life and person we used to know, and I have had to sign off on all of that.  Having taken on a new partner, while he is still married to me btw, means he is no longer my  concern, beyond trying to extract myself and my most vulnerable children from the damage he is continuing to cause.  I wish it had been otherwise, but I have peace in the fact that I gave it all I had.

It is comforting to hear your stories, and your successes, for what you have invested in your relationships @LizzieLou @Former-Member.

[Former-Member]

@JB70  Come and meet some others who are long term carers of their partners. 

If we can help with anything specific, do feel free to sing out or if you would like to share  a little more re: diagnosis, challenges, problem area or triumphs so we can get to know you a little better.

[JB70]

@Former-Member Thanks. Diagnosis is an interesting topic for me. Hubby has had many over the years. Maybe he just doesn't fit into one box. Perhaps it just doesn't really matter anymore. In the early days maybe it would have been helpful to know exactly what we were up against.

Happy to be on board though. Have never really had people understand what we have gone through before. And just browsing some of the comments, I don't think that is the case here 🙂

[JB70]

When I married my husband over 26 years ago, I always thought I would stick with him through thick and thin no matter what. Little did I know I was entering into a crazy, turbulent, confusing, heartbreaking world of living with someone with MI. Life became all about the illness and trying to cope and my own needs were pushed into the background.

Over the years I did question whether I would reach a point where it was unbearable and I would have to give up on our marriage. But I decided if I had that point, it was like already being defeated, so I decided that when things got tough, there had to be a way to cope and make things better. Not that the abuse is ok, or that I deserve to be treated badly or am responsible for the behaviour of my mentally distressed husband, but that we could forgive, move on and work out ways to minimise the damage. We have learned a lot but you need two people willing to adjust.

Unfortunately, about 5 years ago, our life did spin out of control worse and more prolonged than it ever had before (about 3 years of pure absolute devastation and pain) I really felt like the next admission to hospital, I would tell them I didn't want him back. Thankfully, we found a medication that took the edge off the anger and volatility and things have settled down. We did have to start over and rebuild our marriage again from the beginning and slowly the damage and pain is healing. I am so grateful that I never gave up, and that I got the help I needed to deal with the trauma 

I hope for everyone there is a light beyond the storm

[Former-Member]

@JB70 

My husband Mr Darcy has had many diagnoses over the years as well as "diagnosis hypotheses" as one pdoc put it.   @Shaz51 's husband has also been diagnosed with many things. 

In our case I gather Mr D's his bipolar ii diagnosis replaced his MDD diagnosis but perhaps not his GAD (anxiety), not sure where his OCD fits in (this term is used somewhat loosely and is atpical) but his personality disorder all but disappeared following his BPii diagnosis.  

I understand where you are coming from in saying that perhaps in some ways diagnosis does not matter,  for myself it is still important and gives a point of reference for treatment protocols as well as how you put it so well, being helpful to know what we are up against.  

[JB70]

@Former-Member  bipolar ii is my husband's current diagnosis too. It doesn't explain all his symptoms that's for sure. And unfortunately he is super sensitive to mood stabilisers and can't tolerate a therapeutic dose. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

@JB70  I feel like I could have been the author of your post before this one (above) .... only without the hospital admissions, at least not for MI, which was never diagnosed.  We, unfortunately, haven't made it ..... he left for / with someone else who he had already secured ahead of discarding me at the end of last year - something that appeared so completely out of character at the time that I thought he was experiencing a delusional episode.  

I am so glad for you that you have a diagnosis and a medication that takes the edge off his condition for you.  Despite my situation not having held together on our marriage level, I applaud your perseverance and loyalty.  I do encourage you to prioritise your own needs as much as those of your husband though, and invest as stringently in your own self-care as you do to attend to his needs.  You matter too, and particularly if the aggressive behaviour is also vindictive, as my soon2bX's is (has escalated much further in fact, but is now outside my door ....) then boundaries become essential.  The question is often asked on this side of the forums, "Who is caring for the carer ?"

I have adult dependent kids with MI who are going through the wringer with their dad at the moment, via coercive control, but they are gradually establishing boundaries too.  While I can't help but be concerned for her and her children, s2bX's new partner has become our saving grace.  I believe she can't yet know what she has gotten into, but while I can't fire-warn or help her, I do absolutely feel for you, and encourage you to protect the core of who you are while you nurse your husband's condition, and find the small measures of joy in the everyday.

Bless you .... 🌷💕

[Shaz51]

Hello and welcome @JB70 

wow reading your messages is soo what we are / have been going through 

my husband has had depression all his life , they called it inherited depression as it runs in his family 

over the years he has had lots of different diagnosis including ADHD, GAD, SAD MDD and many more 

I am his second wife and I have 4 step children who all have some degree of MI 

The meds that he is on is for SZ 

he has had 2 attempts in his life   and then 5 years ago he had a big breakdown which ended up in hospital 

he always said he felt like "Mr jeckle and dr Hyde "

then they have added an anti depressant and an anti anxiety meds to his list of meds and then diagnosis him with Bi polar 2 

glad you are here 

Hello @Former-Member , @Faith-and-Hope , @LizzieLou 

[Former-Member]

Trust is a huge thing @JB70, and I would imagine it would take time for your husband to earn this. However there will always be scars and I hope he is respectful of those and any boundaries you may set.