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Looking after ourselves

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

Hi Darcy and everyone. It's been awhile since the Trauma of Christmas and these weird times we are all experiencing haven't helped anyone. Hope somehow everyone has each other to hold.

I havent felt the need to talk but unfortunately hubby has gone off his meds and refuses to even talk about going back on them. It's been a tough few months for everyone and I'm just so very tired and worn out by the storm that lives in my husbands head. I have suspected for a few yrs now he might actually have the start of dementia as well as BPD ,paranoia ,Aspergers and just no idea where to even start.

I know he is terrified but it all comes out AT me he's angry all the time at everyone and everything.
His Phsych has been useless as my husband outwits him constantly on the intelligence levels but in reality no concept of time, space or sequence....no one has any interest in what I have to say. I live it everyday. I see it everyday and I can see something going very very wrong with him. It's not the BPD  I know all those patterns and triggers. It's something other.
He has dementia in his family up until now I have been unwilling to discover it but I can no longer make excuses. This time I have no idea where to start. The Co v mess has heightened whatever is going on. Any advice would be welcome. 

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

Hi @Carlachris ..... it's good to see you, but that sounds really tough.  I am not sure what to suggest in terms of your hubby - mine went AWOL at the end of last year, but I do hope you are taking care of yourself.

 

Maybe talk to your doctor about respite or home-care options ? You may be eligible for carer support through a variety of different services that can take the pressure off in other directions .....

 

Hugs incoming ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

Sorry to hear hubby has gone AWOL. I hope you have found him. Thankyou for the reply.

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

Hubby has gone AWOL with someone else @Carlachris ..... so he won't be coming back to me.  I am on a different recovery path now, and his new partner has probably inherited much more  than she is aware of yet.

 

How are you doing today ?  I am full on with study assignments, which is a real blessing at the moment.

 

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

Hi @Dove73 

There are other partners here walking along with unwell wives, husbands, partners ..... the circumstances can vary widely, but the feelings of struggle and loss are of the same nature.  It brings a lot of care and understanding, and helpful advice around how to cope.

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

There's so many ways to go AWOL. Maybe he can find himself and in the process you find you again.The new partners journey has just begun.
Having something productive to do helps heaps. I'm a hobby artist and find I can zone out with my watercolours or knitting. Keeping my hands and mind busy holds back the wave of anxiousness at times. We are ok at the moment but who knows when the next episode will come. I am enjoying having him back for now. He is Quietly reading and playing guitar in the study and Keeping warm with the cats. Life for now is ok. Big hugs.

My watercolour seals.

CFAB5CB1-0C18-4A34-95A8-B6B52BF8BA77.jpeg

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

I love your seals, I find painting very therapeutic myself but somehow there is never time now. I have not contributed for some time, the staying home has not helped our situation and I have no time as my husband is so  debilitated, frail but demanding.  I find I can relate to so much of what others have posted, and I wonder why the medical "experts" cannot see the carer as in need of support so often. Thankfully there has been a change in our area, but as has been said often they have the same problems themselves so will not recognise the clever way some hide their problems.  My husband is now 84, doctors are pleased that he has managed so long, they appear to think he has coped well so must not be so bad. In the past it has been almost impossible to get them to believe that I have been the one who got him through, especially with finances. He has spent most of his life inventing a facade, he almost believes it himself, and psychiatrists have believed him. Now some have realized I might be the one telling the truth, a bit late for me, after all these years. A neurologist has diagnosed him with cognitive problems as a result of his mental illness, and suggested he is on the autism spectrum, but mental health experts are not interested. I am sorry to hear of  others who have lost their partner, I have sometimes wished for the same, but in reality he has not been all bad and I would miss him a lot. There have been good times, if only treatment of mental illness was more accepted and recognized like most other illness. I think it is time the stigma was gone, I hope for every ones sake it will eventually.

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

@LizzieLou 

Being heard = validating

I think Mr D's latest pdoc might have been a little surprised as to my response as to why I would support Mr D in his decision to decline a medication without more information that would convince him that any perceived benefit would outweigh the risks of a drug he was offering to prescribe.

 

However I have been quite vocal in ensuring that there has been a multidisciplinary approach to Mr D's care with his recent cancer diagnosis ensuring the surgical team liaised.  I have also actively sought the pdoc's opinion in relation to some of the support drugs the oncologists use to alleviate chemo side effects as a few of these have a bearing on mental health. I think that the pdoc has appreciated this, although he told us he does not have too much experience in relation to the cancer treatment my husband is having but I am not sure there would be too many.

 

I do not want to lose my husband either, he is a good man but have at times wondered how much he can bear and it breaks my heart to see him struggle.

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

I do feel people should be free to make a decision themselves, as long as they really do understand the the choice they are making. Currently my husband is wanting an operation which he has been told would be risky as he is an anaesthetic risk, even though it is a fairly minor op. I don't really think he is fully understanding the risk as he does have cognitive decline, or maybe it is because he has so many   different health issues he is too tired to care. The surgeon I spoke to concluded that maybe he should be allowed to make that decision. I know I would be full of guilt if he did not recover.

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

@LizzieLou 

It is tough when we wonder how much of an understanding our partners have, however if they have decided to go ahead despite any reservations we have voiced, focusing on the potential benefits (if indeed you can see that this op will lead to a better quality of life) and seeing what needs to be done in relation to aftercare and what our role would be in that is probably the best thing we can do.  

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