Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[bipolarbunny]

@SJT63 This book was really helpful to me and has some great information that may be of use for you both. 

the-bipolar-disorder-survival-guide 

[Anastasia]

@SJT63 ❣️

[Carlachris]

We all recognise who the angry child is.....Farout....is it a full moon or something. We have also had a few weeks of relative calm but things are going off tap as his Angry Bitter Nasty abusive mother 92 had a fall 2 days ago at her aged care home and has been hospitalized due to pneumonia and not expected to last. We have to relive the unliveable again. Trauma, PTSD unmedicated this time.....It's going to become rough. 

If it makes him angrier when you don't engage....then it's working. It's bloody awful but he's only angrier because he is working it out that he is being abusive. Took me a long time to realise that. Don't explain or argue try doing what I do and go quiet. I have walked out of rooms and my hubby suddenly dosent have an audience and is arguing with himself takes him a few minutes to realize I'm in the kitchen doing the dishes. If he comes and finds me and he's still on about rubbish I just so " NO"......I'm not talking to you until you calm down and walk away again to feed the cats or clean the car windows. He usually gets the point. If I'm not his whipping post then he only has himself to be angry with. Sometimes stepping back and handing it over to the professionals is the way to go. It's all about boundaries. Sounds like your Mr has been over stepping a few. It's never going to be easy. Try to remember to breathe and remain stoic. Do what makes you happy even just a little bit a day. It's like going into battle blind some days your not alone. I really do understand. Big hugs.  

[Carlachris]

Same wavelength. I very much appreciate your perspective. My husband has glimmers of accepting his illness but the anger blinds him. I hope one day he TRULLY can see it but for now keeping him off FBook is my greatest challenge. That's where the nasty cruel abuse comes from and spills over into our life. It's so hard having to be everything else in a marriage let alone dealing with the garbage and crap coming at us via social media. Too many rabbit holes that all lead to Paranoid thoughts and delusions. Not a healthy place for anyone unwell. I can't keep up with the mood swings as fast as they change with social media platforms. I have been known to unplug the modem and walk out when it gets too much. 
my darling hubby has taken responsibility countless times over the past 15 yrs but it never sticks. Still hoping he grows up one day but at 66 he better bloody hurry up. 🌷

[Carlachris]

You need support. I agree with every word. We get pulled so far out off the track sometimes by the dominance of MI. I have cried an ocean at times and been through all the thought processes, the advice, the control issues the whole bunch of everything. I have gone to walk out several times in the last few years. I understand. We get lost along the way. My advice would be to take time out for at least a week to let the overwhelm lessen and then take it from there everyones circumstances are so different. Sending you strength and hope. I have been where you are and somehow made it through. My hope is you do as well. Find someone to talk to no matter what as unloading can help to clarify things. Bless and hugs. 🍀🦙

[AussieRecharger]

@SJT63 

I had an episode with my brother recently.. I asked his son to give something a go and it went wrong and he got upset because when he gave it a go, it did not go as well as planned.  I told my brother, that his love for his son has to be bigger than the object that may break just because he gave something a go and got it wrong. 

This caused my brother to go nuts. I stayed calm and just kept asking why?  What is it about your stuff that gives you the right to put it above your relationship with me or your son? He was getting more aggressive and upset but by the end of it I just stood my ground and kept asking. 

The next day, he came back with some answers, saying I did not understand the pressures he was under with money, to be a provider.  I simple said to him if he is having money problems then he needs to learn about money. Working harder, stressing himself out and burning himself out was not going to fix his money issues and he needed to value his relationship with his son more than money. 

I would be interested to know if he knows why he is prioritising his stuff over his relationship with you. He seems like he can only handle conflict if he feels like he can win, hence why he wants you to do it.  He can't handle losing, and I wonder if he has some shame issues that are undealt with.

Tag me if you need me.. remember it's your choice to be there and if you have had enough, start driving to uluru and figure out what to do next when you get there.

[bipolarbunny]

@Carlachris  Completely agree about FB & other social media for that matter being a rabbit hole of destruction for MI. I banned myself because the constant bombardment of negativity just triggered me constantly. 
 I have the ultmost respect and awe for anyone caring for someone with MI. I have no one so I've been forced to accept things and save myself. But you absolutely cannot help anyone not willing to try to get better. I spent 5 years waiting for someone to save me till I realised they weren't coming. I spent the next 9 trying to learn to help myself. It is a long and painfully slow process. 

I had a conversation with my therapist a few sessions ago where I told him I think that the bipolar episodes are almost narcissistic to a degree. You become so self centred, blame everyone and everything, as you stated, become blinded by the rage, blind to how you are treating others etc. I feel fortunate that I was able to eventually recognise that in myself and when an episode starts to build I work my ass off to repel those feelings and thoughts of me me me me me. I think in a way the rage is a form of self loathing and switching that self absorbed mindset helps me see when I need to ratchet down or isolate myself so I'm not pouring my illness and trauma out over everyone. It has taken me years of introspection and self reflection to reach that point. 

And even though I've lived the rage and still do. Abuse is abuse. And MI or not, people with illness need to own their bullshit and behaviour good or bad and understand that carers are not emotional punching bags. There's just no excuse for abuse. I feel so much empathy for people in your situation, I wish as someone on the MI side I had the answers but I don't. I just know you all deserve to be loved, respected, heard, supported and to feel safe. Take Care xx

BB 🐰💙

[Carlachris]

Thankyou @bipolarbunny 
Your voice is clear and heard. Nobody has ever thanked me as a part of this journey. I appreciate it very sincerely. 
My husband and I chose each other and I knew he had problems one of our vows was he never went off his medications. But 13 yrs in.... he did without telling me and I lived 2 yrs not understanding what was going on. I am not privy to his treating Doctor who supported him and it nearly destroyed us. I felt betrayed by them both and the secrecy and illusion of an unstable unhealthy life. Just the abused wife. That's not who I am I ended up having to hand it all back to him in spades. I was close to a breakdown.

My hubby is extremely intelligent holding several degrees and a masters in Political history so FB was a sewer for his mind. 16 hrs a day sometimes all nighters. A target for the keyboard warriors. My boundary is he touches it I leave. Seriously.....I'm done. it is a destroyer of families and I wish it was never invented. People need to get real. Unplug and connect with reality. Take ownership of their lives again and not be click bait. It's just plain old wrong. It can't be justified anymore. Too many healthy minds are becoming addicted. I want a life not a pretend feed with doctored photos of the kids. MI numbers have never been higher and we are all tricked into the algorithms to sell us crap we don't need. No wonder the me,me,me is triggered we can't win. I applaud your decision to ban yourself. Once seen how it works you cant unsee it. It's very very very unhealthy.

you feel empathy and care so you are not a narcissist but yes the element can be strong when stuck on the loop of MI. 
thanks again. 🌷🦙🌷

[AussieRecharger]

@SJT63 Where are we at now?  Hope you both are doing well..

I have not been across this whole thread, but I noticed some your comments... 

I know you will be there till the end.. It's just sometimes I just wish you would create some recovery space for yourself.. you are a good person doing a good thing, but I hope you have some space to recover so you don't burn out.  

The mind might be strong but sometimes the body can give out from stress and you have no choice in what happens next.

[Carlachris]

I don't think I can do this any longer. Husbands Paranoid delusions are free falling and he refuses to get help. Just found out he has a sex addiction and has spent hundreds if not thousands on prostitutes. Saw him on his phone on the App Ashleigh Maddison and confronted him.......... I feel sick.....so very very sick. I am safe but for how long?
I am Seeing his doctor who wants to put him back on his meds for a STD test on Tuesday. He left home last night and has been driving around all night. Came back this morning admitted he is at fault for destroying our lives and would see his useless Phsychologist who has done nothing in 3 yrs to actually help him except read a book and be happy. I stood my ground and said No ....you need a phsychiatrist so he left again and drove off. 
How long is the long haul. ? I don't even know what that means anymore. How long do I take the emotional abuse? It never ends.