SANE Forums

[Determined]

What a week this has been 😞 

Not sure where to start here, after being absent for a while, I checked in a month or so ago to report that everything was our version of steady. My period of not checking in was purely a lack of capacity after returning to full time employment while still in a caring role. Operating at above 100% capacity. Primarily supporting my Darling who lives with BPD, (Seeking support for my Darling is how I found the forums) , S1 with an intellectual disability, S3 with ASD and FIL.   

Well, last week the status has changed again with the passing of my father-in-law,

It has occurred to me that for the past couple of years our lives have revolved around Dad,

And I am ok with that, he is totally worthy of that. He has been a significant support over many years to our family.

The point of this is that I now need to be intentional in how I fill that void, I need to stay glued for my family to function. Darling now more than ever needs my support to adjust to life without her Dad. 

And my children who adored their grandad. 

Thinking about some goals for self care and interested in other peoples strategies.

It has occurred to me that I perhaps have not been looking after myself as well as I should have despite convincing myself I am ok.

I have been added to a waiting list for a grief and loss course through carer gateway.
I received an email seeking expressions of interest the morning after Dad passed.

This will be a good start.

Things that I want to achieve included

- Better diet

- More consistent exercise (Cycling)

- Time out with Darling, return to our motorcycle adventures that ceased when Dad went into care.

-  Complete an NDIS review for S1 to get supports for independent living so I can relinquish some micro managing to better qualified people. 

- Some self paced study.

- Gardening and home maintenance. Have big plans for the garden that is in a state of disrepair. 

- Generally being more chilled and present for my family.

[Determined]

A feeling that I have been challenged by in the early hours a day or 2 after Dads passing is that this is now an opportunity to let go of a lot of emotions.
- I have never dealt with my Grandmothers passing, (some 20+ years ago), I got in trouble for crying.
- I have never dealt with my fathers passing, got in trouble for crying again and also solely responsible for propping up a grieving mother along with a wife falling apart with a new baby that would not sleep.

I chose to instead burry myself in work leading to a major burnout.

- I have never dealt with my mother-in-law passing, Darling was in the midst of a mental health crisis, I was still unrecovered from burnout, so just battened down and pushed on.

So now, this time I am going to allow myself the opportunity to grieve. (If only I knew how), so intentionally working on that. And have had discussions with Darling around how I can not be the strong one this time, we need to walk this journey together.

This is also an opportunity for Darling and I to heal and let go of hurt and grow closer together.

This requires me to as part of self care to deal with emotions and let go of past hurts.

And accepting that some bags are not mine to carry and some outcomes are not my responsibility. 

[Healandlove]

@Determined , firstly I am so sorry for the recent loss of your FIL. My heart is filled with kindness when I read about your strength and determination to be there for your family, your wife and your children.

It is devastating to know you have not been allowed to grieve all your losses in the past.

Exactly right, this can be a time for your wife and yourself to grieve together and support each other.

Please look after yourself. Your list of things to self care sounds great! I hope you start on these as a priority. 

Here with you in your grief and gently encouraging to take each day at a time.

🫂🧡

[Shaz51]

Thinking of you lots my friend 🧡 @Determined 

My husband has been given the undiagnosed ASD this year which has explained a lot 

Take one step at a time my friend 🧡 

@Healandlove 

[Ainjoule]

Hey @Determined 

Sorry to hear of the passing of your Father In Law. 

It sounds like you have a great set of goals you want to accomplish. Go you! It also sounds like the expression of interest for that course came at just the right time. You mentioned, I think outside of this, that you also want to do some self paced study....is there anything in particular that you would like to study? A return to your motorcycle adventures sounds very exciting indeed. 

[Determined]

Thanks @Ainjoule 

Study is work related to expand my opportunities.

While I love my job, in a past career I was locked in a. Job I hated because of a narrow skill set and I do not ever want to repeat that. Still in recovery from burnout after 10+ years. 

Now learning is as much about soft transferable skills to keep my mind adaptable. .

There are some great online  courses on LinkedIn learning and Udemy. 

[Ainjoule]

@Determined 

Oh yeah, you're right, there are some great course on LinkedIn Learning...I have had a subscription to that before. I haven't tried Udemy but I'm sure they are great too. The LinkedIn Learning ones are tempting because if I remember correctly they put the courses you have studied with them on your LinkedIn profile if you want them too.

[Determined]

@Ainjoule 

I believe Udemy certificates can also be displayed on LinkedIn profile but I am yet to finish a course to find out. I have a bunch paid for and pending and a bunch more in my wish list. 

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Determined 

I would like to say sorry for your losses. Not being allowed to grieve must have been very difficult for you. You sound like you have done a lot of work on yourself and in your vulnerability, have found quite a lot of strength. That strength allows you to be vulnerable, too. To feel and accept. 

You said "This requires me to as part of self care to deal with emotions and let go of past hurts.

And accepting that some bags are not mine to carry and some outcomes are not my responsibility." And I just think that is wonderful. That is strength in vulnerability, to release the outcome and allow things to fall naturally. To hold your centre and know your worth. 

🙂 💜

[Determined]

Thankyou @8ppleTree @Ainjoule @Shaz51 @Healandlove  (sorry if I have missed anyone, relying on the dropdown). 

I just want to share some thoughts as I travel through this journey. It feels like carer caring for the carer at the moment. And if this can help someone else then that is my hope.

Lots of reflection at night when the sleep won't come. And a lot of this is faith driven.

To be fair to my family,. All the times I have felt I didn't have the opportunity to grieve were times I needed to be strong for those around me. Aka bags that were not mine to carry.

Clinging on to relationships too tightly and taking responsibility for other people's wellbeing and happiness. 

There is something freeing in admitting I can't be that person but together we can achieve better outcomes. 

Looking at the stages of grief has been enlightening. Being ok with this process rather than feeling like a fail if I feel these things.