Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Determined]

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@soul wrote:

I understand the whole doctor patient confidentiality thing @Determined, but considering that family support is so crucial to the management and recovery of someone with MI, for you not to be be consulted and informed seems to be quite counterintuitive. 

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@soul

Darcy gave me some excellent infomation to address this, the reality is though I currently lack the energy or inclination to push the issue at the moment. It dosent help that my darling thinks she is fine and dosent need my input except where she selectively deems somthing is too hard or is my responsibility. Ie is my responsibility to make all of her appointments but have little input into them. 

She has just left hospital wih the memory of a goldfish and i have been given no infomation about her medication in order to ensure compliance. When i asked she angrily replied she was fine.

Unfortunately as a self preservation measure i am taking a whatever approach at the moment. As long she is in no immediate danger of self harm she can do what she wants. There is however increased expectations around childminding. Im not going to be the slave anymore. Over it. 

I have come to the realisation that my doing too much has enabled the bad behaviour and spiralling mi issues. 

Rant over. 

[Determined]

On a positive note. My darling has indicated she wants to make some new social connections. Far more posiive than the ones that ended at the end of last year. As far as I can tell these ladies actually love and  respect their husbands. Positive influences like this will be a nice change in our relationship. 😊

One lady is from church the other is a mum from school, one of s2's frinds mum who had made contact looking for some social interaction. 

She also wants to get back into zumba for exercise and a form of social interaction. Realy hoping that it happens an is not just talk but that there will be balance. 

[Shaz51]

sending you and your darling hugs @Determined 

I think i need some social time too but have no close friends anymore  and time is a factor too

[Former-Member]

Hey @Determined

I know rant over, but for you to be able to manage would you mind if I keep on encouraging you to put into place loving boundaries, not only for you but for your darling and your boys?

I guess you know there will be resistance ... I will pray specifically for you for strength and courage to remain calm, consistent and kind and that you will find with each boundary established the next one will be easier.

Darcy

[soul]

I totally sympathise with you on the OCD thing @Determined. My ex, whilst he enjoyed eating the meals I cooked, couldn't stand the smell. He would spray deodorising scent everywhere, buy scented candles and reeds. The kitchen had to be cleaned up before we ate (I know all about cold food) and as soon as he had finished eating, those plates and cutlery etc had to be whisked away to the kitchen and washed up even if I hadn't finished yet. I would cook whilst he was out and then just reheat the food at meal times. 

As for laundry though, he got anxious that I would get up early and put a load of washing on and hang it out. Claimed that I was always doing the washing and why couldn't I just relax. He suffers from fatigue and wakes up slowly, needs to lay down after meals etc. 

However, when on a high, he was incredibly untidy and would go to the gym or get in his bicycle and cycle for many hours and all the bad stuff would happen as well. Wish it could have been just average. I would have happily settled for average. 

[soul]

I agree with @Former-Member on the boundaries bit @Determined. Look back through this thread and read what you had planned to do and how you were to approach it. Otherwise, it may become a case of everything is fine until it isn't. 

Dare I say, this could be the "honeymoon" period and it may be all too easy to drop back into old habits?

I wish you fortitude and patience and of course determination. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

There are so many parallels with our situation @Determined ..... I thought the eating disorder was the source of all the control issues, but having a diagnosis of ocpd now has shown that this is the actual driver.  WH has taken over my housekeeping systems, including insisting on buying a washer / dryer so he can put his day's washing through (4-5 sets of clothes a day) overnight because he has to have them back again the next morning to go again, even though he has extra clothes.

I set up a wash-load the other day, then went out, but the machine didn't start when I pressed start, without me realising.  When I came home, the dirty wash load was strewn across the laundry floor, and his washing was in the machine and going.  I went to find him and asked what was going on.  He said the load obviously hadn't gone through, cos there was wash powder still in the compartment for it.  I asked whether he couldn't have just pressed the start button and put this load through first, rather than just throwing it out and all over the floor ?

Answer - it was in my way !! 

My answer - well that was rude !!

His answer - I'll tell you what's rude !!  Having to do all my own washing is rude, because you don't do the housework any more !!

This, after he took over doing his own washing, ignoring my multi-basket system for the whole family that shows which wash colour needs to be put through next, and now hogs the machine every night, leaving me only one wash cycle during the day to get the household washing done, including all the linen and tea-towels .....

Obviously the faeries visit my home every night, cos I don't do housework any more .... :face_with_rolling_eyes:

Control issues include his austere 8 - 10 hour daily diet and exercise regimen, tracking us on household cameras and our mobile phones, micro-managing us as much as he can within the boundaries we have tried to set, and.passive-aggressive or outright aggressive behaviour.  

This diagnosis has got him withdrawn from the micro-managing at least - he has referred to it as "apparent defects" - but I really don't know how he is going to cope with being told that his all-righteous regimen constitutes an eating disorder .... 

There's my rant over ..... 

Feel for you so much, but I don't know where we are going to end up either, and what form "recovery" is going to take ....

😔

[Determined]

@Faith-and-Hope wow that is a lot, I really feel for you at the moment and trust that things start to improve for you sometime soon with the steps already taken, at the very least the beginnings of some insight. At least in our case my darlings limitations are out in the open and being addressed (the best we can anyway). 

 @soul @Former-Member

Thank you also for your encouragement
I will be pushing forward with the boundaries as discussed, just a case of choosing my battles at the moment. The basics around respect in communication, self harm and driving when not appropriate remain however and are not negotiable. We had a big blow up about the new boundaries last night with a rather derogatory spray about my councilor and her input so I fully expect there will be significant resistance.    Once I am clear of my last exam for the semester we will be finding the time to sit down and properly discuss the finer details.  

I have also been more consistent with the children instead of ignoring things and putting them in the too hard basket. School holidays (start in 2 weeks) is a good time to implement some more changes as it will reduce the impact on schooling. 

I have made the difficult decision to reduce my study load next semester to give me some more time to focus on getting routines and boundaries in place. (Being taken away from my commitments to manage bad behaviour only adds to my feelings of resentment).  

Before any of this is will work I need to address a bad attitude that I have developed so that I can respond consistently and with love rather than negatively and out of frustration.

Will be working on the focusing on the positives thread as one way to achieve this. 🙂

[Faith-and-Hope]

I am glad to see you validating your feelings of anger and resentment though @Determined. For a long time I didn't know how to do that with my mil ...... because my value system said that angry, resentful people are not happy, and they're not nice to be around ...... so that couldn't possibly be me, right ??

Hmmmm ...... needed help from friends and a church minister to realise that these feelings are valid, and build, and turn to bitterness, and from there have the potential to turn to rage and hate if they are not validated, and the source of the problem addressed ......

So how do you address the source of the problem when no-one will acknowledge that there is a problem ? You do as you and I are both doing - acknowledge and validate those feelings of frustration action, disappointment, grief, anger ....,, the whole range that are totally appropriate to our circumstances, then we choose a range of salves - self-care, distraction, seeking joy in other areas of our lives, acknowledging the positives, finding reason to smile and laugh .....

WTG @Determined ..... and glad
To hear you have a counsellor for you ...... ❣️

[Determined]

@Faith-and-Hope  @soul  @Former-Member  @Shaz51  @Rockpool  @everyone  

If i missed anyone, sorry, relying on the drop down menu 😊

GIven that my darling is home now this thread is now somewhat redundant,
I just wanted to take the time to thank everyone who took the time to listen to me rant, cry, moan and  express a range of motions that I could not begin to describe now. SImply being able to express my emotions here and to have people respond with advice, encouragement or simply say you were here to listen and I was not alone has meant a lot and helped me to process a particularly difficult time not only in my own life but for our family.  And to recognise that you were all able to do this while going through your own trials and turmoil. 
It is times like this that it would be nice to give each of you a real hug as an expression of my gratitude.

So THank yoo to all xxx