Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Rhye]

I did, thank you @Shaz51. It was a quiet one, which is a little different for me, and it was so good to recharge. Glad you're getting your rest in, you deserve it 😊

[Shaz51]

hello @mishyanne73 , @billybutton , @BlueBay , @TideisTurning , @Rhye , @Daisydreamer , @Former-Member 

[Shaz51]

Hello @TideisTurning , @Rhye , @BlueBay , @billybutton , @mishyanne73 , @outlander 

I am finding out the having the same routine everyday helps my mum 

Also to let our love ones have some independence , in what they can do without taking over 

I know she will end up doing less and less and her emotions can vary a lot 

Wishing @eor was here to share her experiences 

@billybutton have you any good suggestions,  love to hear from you xx

[Rhye]

Hey @Shaz51,

I can really identify with what you said re. independence – my grandmother, who has dementia, does not react kindly when she feels her independence is being threatened, and I can really understand that. I think it's about trying to meet them where they are; if they don't want to wear socks that day (and it's safe for them not to wear socks) then so be it, if they decide to eat dessert for dinner occasionally then so be it. I've found there is often a reason for her stance or behaviour, we just need to have the patience to sit with them to understand where it's coming from.

[Rhye]

Hey @Shaz51,

I can really identify with what you said re. independence – my grandmother, who has dementia, does not react kindly when she feels her independence is being threatened, and I can really understand that. I think it's about trying to meet them where they are; if they don't want to wear socks that day (and it's safe for them not to wear socks) then so be it, if they decide to eat dessert for dinner occasionally then so be it. I've found there is often a reason for her stance or behaviour, we just need to have the patience to sit with them to understand where it's coming from.

[Shaz51]

Yes very true @Rhye 

To become the parent and still being the daughter is sometimes hard 

To have our mum's  and grandmother who have been strong and I independent all their lives and they want to hold on to that xx 

Mum only has custard for dinner every night 

[Rhye]

It's really one of those hard adjustments in life, isn't it @Shaz51. I've found there is a grieving process in the acceptance of the shift in roles. My grandmother was/is like a mother to me, and was a tower of strength. To see that strength diminish, quite quickly, can be really confronting. In my experience there was a subconscious letting go, letting go of what was, and then really stepping in to what is...the opportunity to give back all that love, support and protection. I view my care giving role as an honour. It isn't one without challenges, but it's like a love that has come full circle.

By the way, my grandmother only wishes to eat tiny meals too. Do you find that tears at your heart a bit? For me, it used to stir up a lot of worry because food is so integral to our wellbeing, and all I wanted was for her to be well. 

Hope you're able to find moments of solace in the care giving role you have with your mother, @Shaz51. It can be so tough, and she is lucky to have a daughter like you 💜

[Rhye]

I just finished writing my post to you @Shaz51 and this link was shared with me...it was quite timely and I thought it might be something you'd be keen to try...

[Shaz51]

Very true @Rhye 

My mum has reoccurring bowel obstructions,  so she can only eat a little bits at a time and she has to take laxatives every night 

She has had lots of dead bowel removed a few years ago which she nearly passed away and then she had to have hip surgery  where she fell and broke her hip 

One strong lady my mum 

[outlander]

thanks for sharing @Shaz51
its hard when your caring someone in the family. i stopped being a grand-daughter a long time ago. even though my main role would be to be a grandaughter, this role has really changed me into someone who is a 'carer' rather then a family member now.