One thing I do is ask, if I am honestly capable of accept...

[Snoo]

One thing I do is ask, if I am honestly capable of accepting something. In the past, I tended to 'let things go', which means I accepted behaviour that had a huge impact on me without saying anything. Now I ask myself if I am capable of letting it go on? How will it impact on me in a few months? And if I forsee that it's gonna impact on me and us, I say something. It helps to get things out in the open, and work through it. 

[JT]

He came kicking and screaming - literally - into my new way of thinking lol.  Me taking control, picking my own battles and standing my ground certainly helped him learn that he also needed to step back and do the same.  I'd always had a very close relationship with him but it was in danger of exploding so it certainly helped us to mend the bridges and move on.  Now we have an excellent relationship, there's more respect for my need for time and he is very open and honest about everything.  

[JT]

Snoo - I asked myself the question is this what I want in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years.  

[Snoo]

Gosh, I'd not thought of it that way before JT! 

Can I ask how long did it take for you to change your behaviour and mend the relationship? I'm such a timid person, and I know that I can avoid rocking the boat because I like to avoid conflict. I guess what I'm really asking is how did you stick your ground?

[-karma-]

Time away from the relationship, allows space for reflection, a chance to put things in perspective and to come back fresh and recharged for the longer journey ahead.

[Eagle]

@-karma-Space is definitely important

@JT I like the way you look at it.... separating the person to the illness 

[-karma-]

I like that

I think someone made a similar comment, asking themselves are they still on the path to where they want to be headed?

[JT]

I practiced on my ex husband and booted him out 

Seriously though, it wasn't an easy ride and I did literally pick my battles and worked my way one by one.  I hate conflict and confrontation so I know exactly what you mean.  I decided what I was willing to ignore, what was negotiable and what I simply wouldn't accept.  Slowly the list evolved and when I say slowly it was a rough couple of years.  I also reasoned that sometimes it was better for me to just pick myself up and walk out for a while.  Set yourself up to succeed not fail. 

[CherryBomb]

Interesting discussion so far!

So some points I'm picking up on are:

- setting boundaries

- having space to reflect and recharge

- Knowing and being honest about your capabilities

Sounds like self-care is pretty important to maintain a positive relationship.

I'm curious to know of relationships outside of the relationship - what do you say to your friends and or family when they ask - why do you stay? 

[JT]

My psych calls it 'sticking to your personal values'.